Thank you all for the love and sincere thoughts. I’m really torn - it’s so easy for me to justify jumping back into the mix. More resources for our family to get high-quality mental health support. Bury myself and dump the burden BACK onto my wife - who is only now beginning to recover from her ptsd.
But. How many of us have experienced high-quality mental health support? It’s mostly shit. And I feel confident that my son would soon rebel from whatever I did and end up homeless or in jail or dead.
We all dream of finding ‘the answer’ to our pain. The right med. The right living situation. A compassionate angel-friend (paid or unpaid) to take this burden away.
And everyone on this Forum damn-well deserves to make their own decision when ‘enough is enough’. The very fact we’re on this Forum shows that we’re trying!!
So please don’t take my decision as ANY type of judgment on other faithful warriors represented here.
For me, I’m going to pass on this specific, full-time-plus opportunity. We will survive financially but obviously we ALL feel better when we have MORE! I’m no different.
But to take a currently manageable situation and dynamic and force it back on my poor wife and hope for a different outcome than the previous 7 years, is simply fooling myself.
I’m going to pass on the work opportunity. I’m going to keep investing my time with my precious son.
Please pray that I handle the news with love and leave bridges intact!!! Who the hell knows what tomorrow holds…. #lovewins!!
When I first read this my feeling was this is all about relationship. A family therapist or psychologist who comes into your home to study the family behaviour/dynamics would be advantageous. My brother looks after my mother who has dementia and he finds it difficult, not just because of my mother’s behaviour but because of his own ideas about “discipline”. He has an over-riding urge to explain things and define what is correct or good or bad. This is not a good approach when working with someone who is suffering mentally. You have to be more accommodating and stop being correct, even if you are. These situations are not about being correct, they are about being emotionally supportive. Telling someone they should shut a door, or make their bed can be like a red rag to a bull. Think about how what you say and the way that you say it might affect someone’s feelings. These are difficult situations and everyone says things they later regret, but it is possible to build on better relationships by being more empathetic. If your loved one says there are Martians landing in Minnesota tonight and he has been asked to join them, then take him to Minnesota even if he is going to be disappointed. Don’t try to correct all the time, be curious, interested, supportive
Great advice. This is a big struggle for me. A few years ago I’d have pulled out the white board to scientifically explain the absence of martians and why they’d never choose Minnesota regardless.
Later, I’d attempt to redirect with ‘oh the car isn’t working, dang’ or ‘ice cream?’
Now, I’ll engage and love and be on the road trip. Knowing at SOME point - my son will at least know (a) dad loves him, and (b) dad believes him - even if no one else does…
Keep loving! Be strengthened today in your caregiving. Know that you are special and capable to carry this burden. If not us… then who??
Thanks for your lovely response. Brought a tear to my eye. Made me reflect on how tough it can be. The mind can play tricks with us sometimes so that the real and imaginary become indistinguishable. Feel for you and your family.
Hi Sando-
I meant to respond to your earlier post although I generally agree with what others have said.
I was going to say that you matter too and that if this is something that would help you to feel fulfilled then you could probably make it work. On the other hand, since you believe that it would not be possible to manage both the job and the care of your son, I think that your decision to pass is really your only option. As parents we are inextricably linked to our children. I know sometimes we may need to dissociate in order to survive, but that isn’t really what you are describing in this situation. I really hope that you can find work that is more flexible so that you can care for your self as well as your son.
