Boyfriend has schizophrenia I believe, but will not seek help

Family
21

Hi Wisdom,

I am one of those forum members who can really relate to your post. The difference with my situation is that my husband has been incarcerated and in the State hospital and no longer wishes to take meds again. He does not want to try any alternative treatments, either, to my dismay. He is happy with ruining his health with fast food, energy drinks, smoking cigarettes, using street drugs and drinking alcohol (even though he goes to AA all the time!).

His behavior is odd, socially awkward, grandiose and exaggerates to strangers, gaslights me frequently, is extremely poor about communicating and is difficult to understand when he does communicate (talks very fast, disorganized sentences, talks about things only he knows about and doesn’t want to explain), does not stay on topic…ever!, always has excuses (never his fault), hoards gross stuff, cannot manage his own money, spends his disability in several days, etc… I don’t know if I should trust him or not. I hear conflicting stories from other people about what he does during the day, what he buys with the money I give him. He argues and yells and stalks me at work. He does like to stay clean, though, and would shower several times a day when we lived together and didn’t have to pay the water bill. Right now we are separated and he is homeless; not being able to shower bothers him a lot.

There is still hope for you, I feel. Dr. Xavier Amador’s book “I Am Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help” would be a good thing to read, as well as to follow up on his advice. It will take a while, so don’t expect rapid change. Doctors and therapists are not always the helpful people we wish them to be, so you may have to do a lot of this work on your own. It’s great that you have support of his family. No one supports me with my husband, and that is tiring.

A sensitive, please stop reading if you are sensitive topic related to my story is this: My husband admitted he would ejaculate and put the semen in ice trays in the freezer. This was before I met him, prior to his first psych hospitalization. I always look at the ice cubes closely nowadays. Humor. He has done some other gross stuff but not while we were living together.

I hope that you are able to have success. There are always differences and degrees of illness and some are more receptive to changing their patterns. Please keep us informed. I will be thinking of you. :heart:

22

Thank you LifeIsHard. I appreciate that so much.
I have read some Xavier, watched his TedTalks and other presentations. Some days I feel we are getting closer to actually getting him to walk into a psych office, if for no other reason than under the pretext that it’s ME who is going for help and we can do some couples work (you’re exactly right. Everything is everybody else’s fault, especially mine! The anosognosia is extremely severe in this case…) At this point it’s not even untruthful to say we’re going for me either. I often have a hard time sleeping and when I do, just before I fall asleep or in those moments just before I wake fully there’s a flood of memories that bum rush me in such vivid clarity it’s like I’m there again…leaves me feeling like I have rocks in my stomach and I usually have to take a half PM to settle the anxiety and go back to sleep. People talk about their own PTSD from living with a loved one for years that is sick. Because if we are honest, their behaviors really are abusive to us, those that are close and live with and love them. And do have an effect on our mental wellbeing over time. I used to be a strong willed person. And I didn’t understand women that let themselves be abused… just goes to show once again that we can never ever truly know 100% what goes on behind closed doors…
Humor. You know, you’ve got me thinking too… I’ve seen some shady behavior around the open refrigerator and freezer doors.
I’m gonna start being more aware and taking a good look at the ice cubes!

23

I always felt this way, too, until it happened to me. I have always been a strong, independent person from the time I left my parents’ home at 18. I was just beginning to turn my life around in the four months he was away, but when he moved back to the town where I am living, the problem has only grown worse.

I hope the two of you do make it to therapy. It can be difficult to find a therapist who is well-trained in dual-diagnosis.

24

Yes, I understand wanting to come here for your own peace. I love my garden too. I was married to an abusive man for over 18 years before I left (he was not mentally ill) and currently am married to an alcoholic (who became REALLY bad in the last 4 years). My sz daughter (3 years ill) is doing well right now, on meds, and my husband went to and completed rehab just two weeks ago.

Somehow, events came together to get her on meds, and him to rehab.

I am learning to take better care of myself now. I hope you find some peace and success in handling your loved one’s illness, and your own care too.