Coming to terms


I’m sure this topic has been covered many times. I have a teenage son with SZ. My life outside of making money is almost entirely trying to take care of him. It’s hard to find enjoyment in anything because I feel guilty. My older child is doing so well but again, hard to celebrate that. Do you ever come to terms with it? I’m not talking about moving on or giving up, but at least come to terms?


Yes, you do. And many people with sz gradually get better with consistent treatment and support


Yes, you can come to terms with the guilt. It can take time, but my husband and I have found pleasure in the good things in life again. You can get there. We had to want it and take steps to work towards it.


It’s hard but still looking for the way
My 30 yr. old son had his first episode 1 yr, ago this week.
We thought we were making progress but 4 weeks ago he disappeared.
Just heard from one of his acquaintances (has no friends anymore) he is still local area.
I need to find a way to be “HAPPY” again.


Stevie, yes, I do believe it is possible to come to times and except the situation. By doing so (finding acceptance) doesn’t mean you’re not going to have bad days again or sadness at certain events but accepting does allow us to live our own life. I hope you find peace soon.


So often its one step forward and two steps back in this business. I am so sorry that you were making progress only to have him disappear and have that worry added into your life. What a relief to know he is still in your local area.

My friend who used to teach Family to Family would say to make happiness a goal and plan steps.

For my first step, I had to figure out a way to stop thinking about my son. My brain just would not let it go.

I tried to do something I had loved in the past that required my full concentration. That worked. Once I could stop thinking about him, I got better at doing it.
For me that was how I started being happy about things in life again.


Thanks everyone for the responses. After a year of panicking when the phone rings its hard to ever stop thinking about it. Some days I think we’re on the right track. Other days I think we’ll be in the exact same situation 10 years from now.


For me the step was to choose one day a week when I don’t do any direct support for my son. I needed that one day.

My next big step will be going out of town, which happens the end of this month. 3 days, for work.


Another thing is, he was my traveling buddy. We loved traveling, seeing new things, new places. Now being in public is so hard for him. I miss that.


I too am trying to accept that we’ll probably be in the same situation in 10 years. I’m pretty sure we will, based on all the stories I’ve read and heard about, and the fact that there is no cure for this disease.

I thought my husband and I would enjoy our last work years, and then retirement, as empty-nesters. Instead we’re having to settle in as caregivers to a severely disabled adult child, an adult that had everything going for him until his brain was hijacked just when he was about to fly. It’s beyond heartbreaking.

I think we have to try to embrace the joy we get from the successes of our other “healthy” children. Don’t lose that opportunity.


Hello stevo,
I believe no one really knows what to expect in these trying times. I’ve been sitting on the fence thinking about this same question for a few years now, do we really ever come to terms? Personally my life has changed so much, and the acceptance is very hard, why? It’s something I cannot wrap my head around. I can say this, with time we adjust, the pain is still there, the suffering lingers in the background.
My situation is very different, my son was forensically committed by the judicial system and now resides in an institution. It is very bitter sweet. I now have a moment, here and there, without tears or sadness.


I know what you mean about thinking of them 24/7. Somehow that just seems to drain me. I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that my son actually has schizophrenia. I’ve been obsessively looking things up, anything that pops into my brain that might be a clue. I drive myself crazy with this need to know when and why … schizophrenia runs in my family so I need to accept that my son got “luck” of the draw. Out of all his many cousins, the forces conspired just right. The genetics. The complications at birth. The ten days in the NICU. The ADHD and anxiety diagnoses in grade school. And as far as coming to terms, it’s different for each person. I’m still crying almost every day since 2013.


The rollercoaster ride is tough. It has been over 15 years with our son’s journey. At first there are a lot of what ifs and should have done. It is a tough adjustment to the new normal. But remember it is like any other chronic disease, Parkinsons, diabetes, MS–they are life changing. MI is not a character issue, it is a brain disease. Of course there are boundaries. No free pass to act like a jerk consequence free. Figure out what your limits are and communicate them. MI people are not dumb, they just think and react differently.

There is no real going back to the way it was. AND THAT IS OK. We call it life. You will grieve but you can adjust.

In our case after years of trial and error, my son decided no meds. We will go along with his decision because again MI people are still people with rights. However we have made it clear, no street drugs. No danger to self or others. These things will result in an involuntary admit. We really work on being there when needed but giving him space to be who he now is. Expectations have changed.

I will make this clear, I am not an advocate for no meds. There are different types of sz, and each persons symptoms are different. There is waaaayyyy to much unknown about this illness to advocate a definitive course of treatment for all–be it allopathic homeopathic or therapeutic. This is the hand we were dealt and we are dealing with it.

However after coming to accept it is what it is, the strangest thing has happened along the way. Respect for each other has grown. There are times when I even think, man we had this wrong; he is fine–we are having a normal day…then he will say or do something that reminds us, while we are seeing more of the boy he was, the man he is definitely has this illness. So in answer to your question, yes you can come to terms with this. But it lies more in what YOU do and think about this illness than how your LO does.


“Out of all his many cousins, the forces conspired just right. The genetics. The complications at birth. The ten days in the NICU. The ADHD and anxiety diagnoses in grade school”

Yes, same here but I still never would have seen this coming despite all of these exact same incidences, and speech therapy, and I EP since grade school, having to homeschool senior year, and unsuccessful college year, it’s bizarre but I still didn’t see this coming.


Do you ever come to terms with it? Yes, and no. Just like recovering from SZ is a process, coming to terms with it is a process. Talking to people who understand what you’re going through does help. The first time I talked about my brother, I had a two-day nervous breakdown as all the memories flooded back. At the time, I thought it was a mistake to talk about it. I didn’t realize how traumatic it can be to finally talk. Like reliving everything. But it was worth it. After almost 30 years, I’ve finally come to terms with it. And I know I’ll come to terms with it for the rest of my life.


I find its one step forward two steps back.I live in Canada and my daughter has sz-afective disorder and I think I am a head and boom her drugs quite working.sHE GETS NO MONEY FROM disability here in Canada from ODSP because she lives whith her boyfriend who has a job as a chef.Now she did have her hairdressing course and did work in it for a few yrs.before she came down with here disorder.So she gets about 580.00 to live on from Canada Pension she tried to work at a fast food place and she started to here voices and she had to quite.Yes the good old government was right in there trying to see if they could get her back to work.She usually has at least on relapse a year and lands in the icu mental health ward for 5 weeks anything longer they put her in a safe bed.Now she had to have one more drug changed because she was hearing and started to see something.The bad news she was told her new drug is not covered .How is she suppose to pay it? I believe they don’t want her to have a boyfriend or why would they be so hard on them.But I keep hoping things will get better for her .She is now on community treatment order that makes it mandatory for her to take these drugs.The joke is who is going to pay for them.I keep hanging in there hoping they make great advancement.I know they just had one in Huntington Disease where they can slow down the symptons so maybe all of us will be next.We just have to hang in there.You must join some group at your Mental Health This is one thing that kept my sanity in tack.Please reach out it does make all the difference .In these groups other have been through a lot of things they sure help you get through it.Hope this help


Thanks for the advice. My poor son is still in high school so he lives at home. I’m trying as hard as I can to keep him functional. Sometimes he seems perfectly normal but other times, I know he is struggling. There is still a lot of misunderstanding in the public about schizophrenia. It’s hard to see people withdraw.


I find it so disgusting when people makes joke about mental health.You see it in movies and at times personal comments on different topics on websites.Do they not realize that someone family members are suffering with it So Sad


Does Canada have anything like ward of the state? That’s what happened to my brother, here in the US. Sounds nasty, but it was actually the best thing that could have happened. The state took over guardianship. My brother was finally able to get the help he needed. Here in the US, it has to be court ordered.


Worried1, That is one of my pet peeves! I hear the word “schizo” describing people who are definitely not schizophrenic on tv by folks who should know better and it just makes me angry. It’s so very disrespectful. My schizophrenic husband’s sister used to say “looney bin” and while I could not control what came out of politicians mouths, boy oh boy, I vented on her that day! She didn’t mean a thing by it, it was just ignorance talking. Needless to say, she sincerely apologized and we are still best friends as well as sister-in-laws!