I need some fellowship and support. Been in a relationship with my gf for about 9 months now. She was diagnosed with schizo affective disorder about 5 years ago, she also suffers from borderline personality disorder. I have never been witness to a episode -she told me that her illness is characterized by unhealthy fixations with celebrities. It’s so easy to forget there is an illness if you’ve never seen it rear it’s ugly head.
I am sending out smoke signals on this forum because Im in uncharted waters. I dont know how I never noticed but she has a scar on her left wrist which is evident she’d attempted suicide before, was extremely embarassed that I saw it -more so than when she told me she suffers from this illness.
Short while after that that she was showing me some pictures of her hometown on her computer she got up to use the restroom and I discovered two videos of her extremely adult in nature, she was alone in them but it was confusing to me why she would have these of herself. I pointed it out to her and she casually wrote it off that the clips of her she would watch for her own entertainment and also brushed off that it was something she sent to a guy friend years ago? What!? And she wont allow me to watch them and yet she’d just willy nilly send them to just a guy friend a few years ago??? This makes zero sense to me and somehow I feel bad about having seen it?
I am really bothered by this maybe because I want to love and support her like any normal boyfriend would and still entertain the thought that maybe we have a future together but I dont really know now what the future holds and I dont know how to bring this up to her or if I even should? It’s tough when you’re asking yourself the question that if she didnt have this illness would I have broken up with her.
Feel better sending this out into the airwaves, at least it’s off my chest. My family doesnt know that she is schizophrenic and I quite frankly dont want to divulge this fact to any of my friends because it’s embarassing.
Appreciate any words of wisdom or comment you might have!