Hello I’m new to this site.
I’ve been dating this girl for 5months now and our family and friends never knew about this cause same sex relationship is a big no no to our culture and religion. But I tell u what she is the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my life. During the times we spend time for each other (we r having long distance relationship now) we always have a fight over something stupid or unreasonable things. Sometime she’s mad for no reason and sometime she took my word wrongly and assume a lot of things. At first i thought this is just normal fights but it occured almost 4 to 5 times a week. I already know she had a mental health problem cause she told me she’s taking pills everyday n hv to go meet the family psychologist every month or week but i thought she probably has anxiety or severe depression so i didnt ask her much about it. I studied medical (only halfway sorry) before and my goal was to be a psychiatrist or a psychologist so I don’t really mind when she told me about her condition. I’ve put up with her ups and down, and sometime she show lack of emotions to me and I kept having doubt if she really likes me but she assured me she love me and it was just she didn’t know how to show it. She kept saying she’s tired and has problem with sleeping and have sleep paralysis almost every night but at that time I thought it’s because of the problems she had with her family that made her feel depressed.Once we had a huge fight and the next day she got hospitalized but because this is a long distance relationship i can only ask her what happened without seeing it myself. So she told me she did something to make her ‘awake’ because she feels numb lately. I dont even know what she was talking about but she refused to tell me more about it and i respect her so i dont want to push her or anything.
I love her so much so whenever we had a fight I’d be the one who say sorry first cause i dont want her to do stupid thing but this morning i had enough. I was mad at her and after a fight she finally told me that she had been diagnosed with schizophrenia for years since she was a teenager. And last week her psychologist said that her condition is growing. She said she’s not up to point of hearing voices but more to being emotionally drained and ups and down and sometime forget things and she talk about being awake or unawake. It breaks my heart not because i finally know she had a problem but because I feel like when she first confess that she likes me it’s probably when she’s under her ups and down mood and she probably wasn’t serious about it. But she assured me that she’s aware at that time and even if she wasnt aware she still remember she loves me. Another half of me was so frustrated to myself because I probably have basic knowledge about this condition and I dont know how I can help her.I love her so much I wish I can take half of the burden that she’s having right now and carry it onto my shoulder. Part of me was panicking like what if she forgot about loving me when her condition get worse. I love her so much I cant afford to lose her.
I can’t stop myself from crying because i dont know what to do. How can I support her, what things i could do to help her, and what things that can make her become sensitive about it cause i dont want to say the wrong things. For now i told her I will always be with her and she need to believe in herself to not let that condition control her. Suddenly i felt like her ups and down just makes sense now but at the same time I am so scared if her condition could get worse cause I dont want her to stop loving herself and loving me.