Dealing with guilt and anger


#1

I have a 30 yr old son who is diabetic and has seizures (on disability). He has always had a “one off” personality, then about 2 years ago, he began a sharp decline. He became buried in the video game world. He became more and more isolated, angry and paranoid. He began to think that people were watching him through the cameras in his devices. Finally, he started having visual hallucinations and becoming upset that I could not see them. “Glowing white flowers” “Streaks of lightning”, etc. This progressed into a full grown delusion that he was to be the Savior of the world. In order to do this, he had to travel to the “Suicide Forest” in Japan and camp there so that he would take the heat that was going to scorch the earth, with him. It came to a head because he wanted me to pay for an airline ticket for him to go to Japan and became VERY ANGRY when I refused. He even became, somewhat physically threatening. Then he stopped taking his insulin and I had to call for an involuntary Baker Act.
He was FURIOUS with me and called me every name in the book. He railed against me to the people at the hospital. He stated he would never live with me again and stated that I only wanted to control him for selfish reasons…even insinuating that he was not really disabled but that I had made that up (as well as making up and exaggerating his delusions) in order to control his life.
Since he is an adult, and was not declared incompetent long term, I was never actually TOLD his diagnosis but the Dr mentioned schizophrenia. My Father had schizophrenia. He was there for 2 weeks and started on risperadol. For nearly the entire time, he swore that he hated me and would never live with me again. Then it seemed that things started to improve and they gave him a risperadol injection and he came home. He had already told them that he would not take any medication because he was not convinced he had any type of mental illness.

Fast forward a couple of years. While I had noticed some odd behaviors, irritability and anger, he stopped verbalizing his beliefs and delusions. I wondered if it was because they STOPPED or if it was because he was smart enough to know that no one would believe him so he just remained silent. Living with him is never easy, it is like walking on egg shells. He is intolerant of anyone disagreeing with him. He tends to be very bossy and to dare to not do something the exact way he said it should be done will bring on a world of anger. Just recently I noticed that he is back to the video game obsession. Spending much more time at it, sleeping during the day and staying up all night. On Saturday, he went on line and purchased a ticket to Japan. He spent $1500 on that ticket which left him $300. He told me his plan is to get to Tokyo, get a cab to take him to the Suicide Forest, walk into the forest without any food, supplies or shelter (insulin dependent diabetic) and stay there for 30 days. He says the forest will decide if he is meant to live or die. When I found out about this, I made an attempt to reason with him. I tried everything, the crying, the anger, the guilt…whatever might get him to give up on this. This only infuriated him and brought back his anger toward me.
Now, I have to figure out what I should do. He is 30 and he is high functioning (I guess)…but if he goes on this trip he is going to die. He has the ticket and the passport. I truly think that he is convinced that either he or the forest (or both) are possessed of magical powers. He seems to think that when he comes out of the forest “everything will be better”.
Because he has a concrete plan at this point,his mood is better than I have seen it in a long time. There is a selfish part of me that is dreading bringing on his hatred and his anger. I have had people tell me that I should just let him go because he is an adult…but if he is psychotic, that would be like murder. Please help! Any feedback. I am running out of time. His plane leave around 7/28/18


#2

Sound like it could show he is at harm to himself. Can you have someone come do a mental health check? Try to get him in a hospital…


#3

I could try to Baker Act him but there is a risk they will believe him when he tells them he is “just going on vacation” and I don’t want him to go. If they take the time to question his plans, they will quickly see the issues…but he is adept at hiding because he knows that other people do not believe him. Currently, my plan is to attempt to steal his passport, but my other son is worried that he might lose control and injure me when he finds out it is gone.


#4

I also filed a report with Adult Protective Services. I wanted to see if they could have someone come here for an evaluation…then it would not be me who Baker acted him. I have not heard anything


#5

and if he does hit me, then I would have a reason to Baker act


#6

That’s a good first step! Hopefully they will call back soon.


#7

Thanks for the feedback!


#8

Hang in there, sound like your in a tough spot but I thinks the direction you are taking is a good one!


#9

Here is my unsolicited advice:

You love your son as much as any mother has ever loved any child on this earth and you are trying to save his life.

Look into all possible options to help him, including contacts in Japan, if the trip comes to pass.

Do not talk with him about this or tell him how you feel about it for the next few days. When you have a chance, sit down with him and tell him your deepest truth one time along with the simple facts, such as: I want you to stay here because I am concerned you will not have access to your insulin in Japan. This could make you very sick or even kill you.

Then try your best with all local and state resources, maybe you will move on to federal and even international resources for Japan if he goes. Except the one time, do not try to talk to him about this stuff. Concentrate on how much you love him and how important he is to you, being as present in each moment with him as you possibly can in this awful situation.

His delusions are in control. He needs help from medical providers and possibly some type of law enforcement. I pray he gets this vital help.

Love him, even if he is angry and making you feel guilty. Be with him in ways he allows. Your love, openness, and care will stay with him no matter what.

Best to you both. May all the motherstrength you need be available to you throughout this time.


#10

Do you have any type of textual proof of his plans? Something you could keep with you or an image in your phone? I just cannot understand how someone so delusional could make that journey without someone noticing something off about him.

I agree with @Hereandhere, get on locations and closest resources. If you need help, I’d be happy to do some research but it would be helpful to have as much information as possible as far as where he is trying to go.

Be calm and grounded. Hang in there…


#11

if you can afford a lawyer, you can pay like $1000 to get an emergency Guardianship or there is an option to take his right away for 30 days to be taken to a mental hospital and get evaluated. Talk to Family lawyer in your state.Or Talk to NAMI ( National Alliance of mentally ill) in your city. they will advise you.

you need to act. My son did wanted to fly to Ireland thinking that he can meet nice people there and have a good life better than being with us ( his family) myself and my brother. he was delusional and talking nonsense. I called a lawyer and get a emergency order to take his right away and get him admitted to mental Hospital. I am glad I did. I saved his life. He is better now, but still need more work.

DO no delay. Talk to a lawyer. if you cannot afford one, you can get help with Legal Aid. try to Find involuntarily commitment Officer in your city. NAMI should know about this.

Will keep you in my prayers.


#12

[quote=“CAAR2016, post:11, topic:5786”]
Look for involuntarily commitment Officer in your city ( Free). he can help you to file a court paper and that he will be served and if he does not go to court, he will be picked up by the police and taking to Mental Hospital.
.in the Midwest, they allow the law to take an adult child right away if they find enough evidence that he is a danger to himself or to another.


#13

I really appreciate all the feedback and it actually had me in tears. Thank you. I DO love my son but I am very conflicted. I am not in fantastic emotional shape myself. The reason I mention it is because it comes into play here and I am having a hard time. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for many years, and through that abuse I have lost the ability to trust myself. I question, over and over, whether I am being honest about what is motivating my behavior and decisions. For instance, logically I know that I want to stop my son from harming himself and I logically know that is the right thing to do…but then these doubts creep in. Is it possible that I AM being the “Overprotective, controlling” person that I have constantly been accused of being, Both by my son and my ex husband abuser? It is SO VERY HARD for me to take a stand on ANYTHING…to make ANY DECISION…because I am so fearful that I may be wrong. I also just become nearly paralyzed with fear when I have to do something I know is going to anger anyone or make them unhappy.
My son (the one we are discussing) has always, in many ways, been my favorite. We have stood together through the abuse. He has been there by my side during some really rough times and we are very close usually. Because of this, doing something to make him angry is just so hard for me. Hearing him accuse me of being selfish and manipulative and seeing the hatred on his face is like a death. I wish I could KNOW that “one day he will understand I was doing this to protect him” but there is a part of me that does not believe that and thinks he will hate me forever. Logically, I know there is no option. I have to protect him from himself even if he hates me for it. It is just so painful. I know this is hard to understand but I appreciate the ear.


#14

You and I have similar experiences of not trusting ourselves. Maybe you can find a counselor or crisis services to talk with as you go through this. The Suicide Hotline is available all over the US. You can talk to someone about your son’s plans AND about what you are going through; they regularly talk with people who have relatives and friends who are at risk. I don’t know if they will have resources.

The forum will help with research. We have all done this as much as we can for people in your shoes. Also brainstorming ideas if that is alright with you. Local, state, or national NAMI might have ideas.


#15

I appreciate the support. I think it is really difficult for my Sons Father to understand he is ill. Rather than help me or encouraging my son to trust me, he has been laughing it off and telling my son “women over-react especially Mothers”. He did not bother to find out the details of our sons planned “trip” and did not even discourage him from going. Obviously that perpetuates me as the enemy. I called him and bluntly asked him if he was ready to watch his son die. That is when he told me that he just cant believe our son has schizophrenia because he just “seems so normal”. It is even hard for me… My Father had paranoid schizophrenia. He, too, saw people that were not there and heard things that no one said…but just like my son, on most days and for months at a time there is no discussion of these facts. My Father, just like my son, was able to get through day to day life without anyone knowing that something is truly wrong most of the time. There is, of course, a hair trigger temper and being very antisocial…but (not trying to be funny here) most people just think that he is an “Ahole”. My Father was a borderline genius. My son is also intelligent although he has some learning disabilities from have thousands of seizures.
I know that there are some people affected who have hallucinations and assume others also see them, and some people who have hallucinations and get upset if others cannot see them. Today, I read about people who can progress to the point that although they see the hallucinations they logically know they are not really there. With my son, it seems that he sees them and he is very aware that no one else sees them…but he is still convinced that they are real and that only he is special enough to be able to see them That is why he does not talk about them anymore but he still believes in them. I don’t know if anyone will ever be able to break through that.
It is difficult as I know you are aware.
I do appreciate you reaching out!


#16

That is the place where the youtuber went viral just a little while ago. Since that incident, it sounds like they have tightened up on security. They have patrol officers and security cameras now.


#17

That’s an incredibly difficult situation, tampalizard, to have your son’s father be completely ignorant to the fact that your son is so seriously ill. I can’t even imagine. I’m so sorry.


#18

Yes Holly67, they have added security cameras to the entrance and guards on the paths. Unfortunately, I have read up on this area and that is unlikely to make a difference. The description of the park states that it is 36 Sq Kilometers. Even seasoned hikers are cautioned to stay on the paths as the growth is so twisted and thick that getting just a few feet from a path can leave you completely lost. There are metals in the ground and surrounding hills that cause cell phones not to function (even if he had one). It is an isolated area with no medical personel and no stores. Once a year the government and a group of volunteers goes into the forest to search for bodies because there are so many that are never found during the regular “use” of the park They estimate that even with the targeted searches there are some who are never found. The “supernatural” reputation of this area HAS to be the draw to him. In my desperation, on the day he started to book the tickets, I even encouraged him to go to Oregon or California to camp. Neither would that be a safe trip for him alone but at LEAST he would be in the US and closer to medical care…as well as in a more populated area where he might be found if he goes into a coma. His ABSOLUTE INSISTENCE that it had to be the Japanese suicide forest is what convinced me that this is related to his known, previous, delusions.


#19

After my conversation with his Father he seemed to back me a bit but, I know that this may will not last. His Father is SUPPOSED to pick him up today for a visit If that happens, I plan to take that opportunity to look for his passport Depending on the level of his paranoia it may not be easy to locate. If I find it, I am going to take it. My younger son is worried that he may become violent if he finds out but I don’t know what else to do. Am considering (if I find it) asking his Father to stay for a talk when he drops my son back off…and explaining to my son that out of love and concern for him, I need him to know that I will be doing all within my power to make sure he does not take this trip I know he will be furious…but at least if I do it with his Father present, I may be safer and his Father may see what I am talking about.


#20

Tampalizard: First I want to say that I know you’re in an impossible situation. In my case its my mother who is schizophrenic. It’s next to impossible to help an adult because being a general potential threat to themselves isn’t enough to legally intervene. They need to be an immediate threat, not just to their well- being but to their existence.

Taking your boy’s passport might work. It also might backfire in legal ways. When your son goes to replace his passport and explains that his original was stolen, I’m not sure how that will be handled legally. Of course I’m sure as a Mother you’d gladly accept any consequences to save him from himself. :heart:

First, is it possible he has no ticket and is waiting for a mysterious situation to get him to Japan?

If all else fails and your boy does go, is it feasible to send him with a satellite phone and a GPS locator beacon? Would he allow that? Would it be feasible for your husband to go with him? At the very absolute least would he be willing to bring unusually colored paracords to mark his way from the path?

Also, I know reasoning with a schizophrenic is impossible. We can never imagine what delusions they’ll produce to counter our objections, logic and physics be damned. Every now and then I’ve been able to use their own belief systems to insert an idea. Here are some ideas though I’m admittedly an outsider and even as an insider I couldn’t predict how these ideas would land when they hit his ears. I’m just brainstorming. He said the forest, which has supernatural powers, will decide whether he lives or dies. What if there’s more that one source of supernatural power governing that forest? What if there isn’t one single power making these choices and for each person, they have ideas about which one of them ‘wins’ each person? What if pure unadulterated faith in the powers that be isn’t how they determine the winner? What if preparedness is how they determine the winner? There’s a “joke” that I’ve told as a parable with some success. A shipwrecked man is drowning in the ocean. A boat comes by offer assistance but the man refuses help, saying that God will save him. A second boat comes. A third boat comes. The man refuses all. The man dies & when he meets God he asks why God didn’t save him and God replies “What more did you want? I sent you three boats!” The message being that your boy might not want to decide to eliminate his own preparedness from the equation.

If this is all crazy on my part, I apologize. I’m trying to speak Schizophrenia and as much time as I’ve spent visiting, it’s not my first language and I’m not fluent.