Well, bad day here. Even the meds I’ve been sneaking on him have dropped to every other day if that, and now that it’s been over 2 months with no suboxone, he’s suddenly craving opiates really bad - but I’m just not going there. I’ve already gotten rid of all his leftover suboxone. It never seemed to help - just make things worse in the long run.
I don’t know if he just wants to get high or if he just wants his symptoms to stop. The opiates do that for him like nothing else ever has.
Anyway, today he’s mentioned killing 2 specific people, told me I’m only good to get him cigarettes and I might as well die, and he slammed his door in my face and beat it in from the inside. All this after I didn’t instantly know the number for his therapist that he stopped seeing a few months ago. She was one of the people he thought he should kill because she’s working with one of his old friends(the other person he should kill) he hasn’t seen in 8 or 9 years - so I guess that’s paranoia back. This is going to freak some people out, and I know I should be too, but I’m not afraid just yet - he was standing there yelling at me while I was sitting on the couch working on the laptop. He put his hands around my neck, and got in my face, but didn’t put any pressure on me. I think it was because he wanted me to look the phone number up faster - and I shut the computer and said I couldn’t do anything while he was yelling at me.
If he doesn’t calm down, I’m guessing it’s only a matter of time before he ends up in the hospital or jail (he said he’d rather go to jail). At this point, I’m considering not pushing any more meds on him and just let things take their course. They’re not working all that well anyway.
I’m out in the garage now (completely detached from the house), but I’ve got phone, internet, tv, refrigerator with drinks, everything. He won’t know where I am because I never come out here. If he does, maybe I’ll go to the library or something. I’ve got my keys and cellphone on me but walked out the house without my wallet - guess I’ll learn to put a bug-out bag together.
I told him a little while ago that if he wants to tear up the house and yell at me, then I don’t have to let him live here. He can find someplace else to live.
And, that if he can’t treat me as nicely as I treat him, then I’ll find someplace else to be most of the time.
I spend most of my time working on my laptop if I’m not doing something with him or doing housework. I can’ always go into the office or hang out somewhere with free Wi-Fi.
I’m just really tired of feeling like I’m the only one trying to help him get better, and the more I try the more he pulls in the opposite direction.
I might feel differently tomorrow, but today, I feel like the hospital would be the best thing for him. I’m just prolonging things by trying to hold him up all by myself. I just want to give this intensive program a chance, and I need one more medical record to arrive before I can drop all the paperwork off.
Oh - he did apologize for being an A-hole, but it was too little too late for today. Next time, I’m just going to pack my stuff and leave for the day. I’ll get back in the mode of being ready to leave at a second’s notice - always dressed with keys, cellphone, wallet and laptop at the ready.
I feel your pain! I just had to ask my husband, my sons stepdad, to leave bc of the threats towards my husband. My son is 31 and has bpd and sz. Its so hard as a mother to watch our child suffer while at the same time being on the receiving end of their outrage. I’ve heard…it’s all your fault, he should have been a stain on a sheet, I am unfit to be a mother, I need to take parent classes among just a few. And it’s funny to me that he can see when my husband was being verbally abusive to me, but can’t see that he does the same thing or when he does notice he says it’s true and sometimes the truth hurts. Also, I’ve noticed a pattern on the forum…where are the dads that are dealing with their mi child? All I seem to see is moms or girlfriends trying to help their child or boyfriend. Just an observation.
Just know you are not alone in this fight! I’m so thankful I found this forum!!