Fiancé of SZ male


#1

Hi all

Sorry about the long rambling post, but I’m new to all of this and I’m not exactly sure how to proceed.

Just recently my fiancé has had his first delusion that I have been around before (he was diagnosed as a paranoid SZ before we even met and he was doing really well nothing unusual).

About 4-6 months ago he spoke with his mother and stopped taking his meds. I am not sure is he spoke with his doctor about this. He was doing absolutely fine until about two weeks ago when he went into a full blown delusion. In retrospect there were signs along the way that I should/could have noticed but did not know to be prepared for. In all honestly, I did not completely believe the SZ diagnosis as is never seen any symptoms in the 2 years of us dating and I never did much research into it.

His delusion is that I have been cheating on him when I have never given him any reason to doubt me. He has been cheated on before in past relationships. He had been living with me but is staying at his parents now and they have bluntly told me that I am not to contact, approach, or reach out in anyway. This makes me feel as though I am the reason that this is all happening. Is that true? Will him seeing me or me reaching out make things worse?

He recently also, told a mutual friend of ours that we had broken up and it was because I had lied about too many things (aka the cheating). This especially hurts because he has not spoken to me since this delusion began and I am still wearing my engagement ring.

He is back on his medication again now as of about a week ago.

What should I do/expect? Do I need to give it time for the medication calm his delusions and then will everything be alright? Do I need to try and push his parents for a presence in his life?I’ve always been able to calm him and love him when he was depressed or experiencing other emotions. It’s different because this time it’s ME who’s apparently hurting him. Do I cut my losses and accept that this relationship can not be salvaged?

I’m just starting to learn the full details of what this all means and I’m hoping to consult with a professional soon, but does anyone else have any advice for me?


#2

Hi Aya, Welcome to the forum!

First of all, you should know that its not unusual for someone relatively new on the scene - especially someone in a new relationship with one of our successfully medicated family members - to make the mistake of thinking the new person in their lives does not have a brain disorder at all. Some of our loved ones have excellent success with proper medications. Many of our loved ones can have cycles of lesser psychosis and delusions, and, not even being on meds, can appear quite well.

There are many sad stories of our family members who were successfully medicated for years until they enter into a new relationship and the newcomer actually talks the person out of taking their meds. Some of these people do get back on medication successfully and some don’t. That’s just the reality. I hope your partner’s meds get him right back on the same track he was on.

Do you think his parents are blaming you for his decision to stop taking his meds? If they think that, they could be pretty angry right now.

If his parents were originally successful in getting him on meds, I think you should listen to them and try to help as they indicate. Do you know anything about their efforts with him to get him medicated originally? Hope


#3

Hope,

I was often the one who when he was running low on his meds would run to his parents house for the extras he had there to refill his supply. I would remind him to take it morning and night and would try to stay on top of it.

It was his choice to discontinue his meds because of negative side effects and because he was feeling so much better. Maybe I should’ve been more instrumental in telling him I don’t think that’s a good idea, but I don’t see how they would be angry at me for that reason.

I don’t know too much about getting him on his meds the first time around, I just know that he is on them now and has been for a week.

I just want the same thing as them for him to get the help he needs. They will only give me updates in one sentence responses so I don’t know the extent of what’s going on right now


#4

Aya,

It sounds as though you were supportive of him being on his meds. He may have cycled worse, even while still on the meds that he began talking about the side effects and wanting to go off the meds.

I am just guessing here on my end, maybe his folks are just upset and trying to cope with everything. They are probably quite worried now about whether or not they can get him stabilized again.

I didn’t address the delusions because they are just that, delusions. Some delusions can end up being hardwired - do you know if he still held any delusions while he was medicated and not showing symptoms over the two years you have been together?

I wonder if his mom or dad would agree to meet you for dinner and talk about his history. You might be able to understand their reasoning better if they would just share more with you.

They are probably worried that since you don’t have any experience with scz, you might upset him even more so during this very, very fragile time.

The event you mentioned early, when “he spoke with his mother and stopped taking his meds” did he tell you much about that conversation?

Give his family some time to understand that you want to be involved, they have been successful doing this before and that says a good deal.

Professional help is always a good idea. A therapist can help you with the decisions you are pondering.


#5

Hi Aya,

@hope gave you really good reflections.

I’d like to let you know, it’s not you. It’s the illness, but once a delusion is in place, it’s good NOT to “trigger” or reinforce the delusion in any way. So, perhaps his parents feel that by not seeing you, he will become less fixated on delusions about you?

I would respect his parents’ wishes. I agree with hope and would contact them and ask to speak with one or both privately. I would ask why they don’t want me to see my fiancee and listen closely. If there is anything totally false that they believe, you can clear it up simply and without being defensive. There is a chance that they are not willing to do anything behind their son’s back; I feel this is a form of respect to their son, but it does not help you.

Other than that, you are doing the right thing by finding a counselor to work through your own stress with. This must be very difficult for you. NAMI is a group that has free, confidential meetings for family members and friends of people with mental illness as well as free education classes.

Maybe there is a chapter near you:

https://www.nami.org/Find-Your-Local-NAMI