Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Paranoid Schizophrenic Fiance


#1

Hi everyone:) I have never joined a support group before but with my fiance having paranoid schizophrenia I feel like I have to have the support from other family and people close to their schizophrenic loved one. I am currently really sad because my boyfriend and I are engaged (he is 25) and so a few months ago I made a wedding website on the knot.com. He knew about this website prior and was okay with it but all of a sudden last night he started demanding that I take the website down, that the website makes it easier for “them” to track him, that it is not safe, and that by creating this website I am “letting them in, stop stop stop god dammit.” The words in quotes are what he texted me. He then proceeded to tell me that I had “made many mistakes” (indeed he has been the one making a lot of mistakes but projected that onto me) and he told me that he was ignoring me for the whole evening and night because I needed a “time out.” I don’t know how to cope when he is struck by paranoia. When he is this way he is not the sweet loving caring man I fell in love with and is this cold distant person who somehow in his mind thinks I am out to persecute him and he becomes so unreasonable. When he is in the middle of a psychotic break it is like he has no love or mercy for me and relentlessly tries to “punish” me and worst of all thinks he is right to punish me. How can I cope?


#2

I know you love him and are concerned for his health, but I would put off wedding planning until he gets stable on medications. I speak from experience; my husband had paranoid sz, and we were married for 15 years.
He did try many medications, but never stuck with one for too long. Your fiancé is young–25, so I’m guessing you are, too. ( incidentally, my husband’s symptoms started around the same age–28). We are divorced now, and he is in his 50s and more or less stable.
Anyhoo, I’d wait, at least 1 year, to see if his condition improves. Don’t rush into marrying him! Take your time, and maybe use your energy to coax him into treatment instead of wedding planning🌹


#3

One of the Peer to Peer speakers from Houston said he still doesn’t believe he has scz. He says he just takes the meds to keep his wife in his life. Won’t work for everyone, of course. But, you never know.


#4

First of all - get him to an early psychosis treatment center as quickly as possible:

Next - read up on Xavier Amador (he has a good book called I’m not sick, I don’t need help) and his videos below:

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Sick-Dont-Need-Help/dp/0967718902

videos:

and


#5

Hi Jan,

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I do agree with you. That even may be part of what set him off…the wedding planning. He may resent the planning because he feels as though he doesn’t have himself under control so how could he possibly be thinking about a wedding right now.


#6

Thank you so much. All this help is overwhelming. Thank you everyone!


#7

Welcome Vivien,
It’s is good that you have joined the sight. All of us here understand the ups and downs. All you can do is love this person and take it slow. It’s so hard to understand a person who is suffering with a mental illness. Lots of prayers for you and your family, take care


#8

Yeah, wedding planning is likely a trigger for him. It’s stressful for everybody!


#9

So stressful - I have refused to do it. :grinning:


#10

I lived thru it! Not only my own, but also my two sisters’ weddings. He was surpringly ok on our big day; the other two weddings, as guests, not so much.


#11

Thank you so much for this post. My fiancé is Starting to come back from a pretty bad episode. All I want to do is help but I don’t know how too. I’m so happy I joined this site so I can get some knowledge on how to help the man I love.


#12

Hi Desiree,

My fiance is just starting to come back after an episode as well. What kind of episode was it if you don’t mind my asking. I don’t have much experience with knowing exactly how to help a loved one with scz since mine developed it in the past year and a half. He wasn’t like this when I met him. But I can say that as a fellow fiance of a man with scz I can support you and try to help at least. I’m very new to this site too:)


#13

Vivian,
He had gone of his meds for about a month and the paranioa started mainly aimed at me and he had a pretty serious delusion that I was cheating on him. He got back on the meds and its been 2 weeks and he starting to slowly come back. It is very hard while he is in the middle of an episode. I joined this group so I could further understand how to help him through the episodes because I don’t have much experience either to help him through it. I’ve never experience an episode form beginning to end. I’m just glad I have support now.


#14

Harsh as this may sound - you are young, by the sounds of things you don’t have children yet. Think long and very very hard about whether or not you want to marry him. This may outrage some people, but frankly, it’s different for me because we have kids but if I could wind the clock back I would. If you do get married, again this will upset people, but be very careful about having children, and if you do make sure you agree in advance a way that you have legal control of the children not him. I come from the PoV of a spouse, and I would personally advise anyone against marrying someone with a psychotic illness.


#15

@Cato1 Its always good for people to hear a variety of responses and experiences. I think it helps us make better decisions.


#16

I agree with Cato, I would think long and hard about that commitment. I have been with my husband for 23 years, 15 of them married. My husband became paranoid schizophrenic 4.5 years ago at 44. He is more unstable than stable and when unstable, he is as cold as an ice cube to me which is pretty much all of the time; ignoring me, fighting with me, just a blatant disregard for my feelings. To be honest I don’t see too many success stories of people being miraculously cured or going long periods without hospitalization on this forum as this is an illness that there is no cure and that is something you should remember. It takes a very strong person to be married to someone with this illness and I am not one of them. Good luck to you!


#17

My husband has been dx with depression and severe anxiety with PTSD…he has also been dx with scz type symptoms…never fully explored, but still on his records. When this dx was put down, he was given a med (Saphris) that works for scz symptoms like he has (they said)…thing is: it works for him, so I ask that despite side effects, could he stay on it? He does.

Let me state: 16 years of marriage.

It’s been hell at times.
Job loss, hospitalizations, arrests, court dates, incarceration…

With kids, and with a child dx as Early Onset scz.

We have gotten through this…it’s rough. It’s ROUGH!!!
We have no extended family, so we are all we’ve got. We have separated…it gets confusing and overwhelming at times. The hostility and distrust runs deep post episodes.

Please don’t read my posts and think that everything will be fine.
Two people really need to work together, and sometimes that just can’t happen.

Just…be aware. As I tend to be private when talking about husband and I (and MI), my concern is that you may read a few of my posts and think a marriage can work. He has symptoms, not full blown. Hell, there have been times where I have been dx with mental health issues that have required professional assistance. No one is perfect…we each bring challenges to a marriage. It happens with any marriage. Add MI, and you’ll have to acknowledge the “elephant in the room”.

It comes down to what you BOTH are willing to do to make this work.
And that’s not something that can be resolved over night.
OR can be figured out by someone else.

ANY stressor in a marriage will takes it toll on the couple. This one does. Financially, emotionally, physically…the whole kit and kaboodle.

Just my two cents.
I don’t mean to offend.
I love the guy, but he works his butt off to ensure that we succeed.

We both do.

Love alone isn’t enough.
Marriage is not the same as parenting.