Finding ways to make my son talk

Lately I’ve been making my son go to the grocery store by himself to buy an array of lunch meats and cheeses, specific brands, types, amount, (he would have to ask for them at the deli), having him wait for the HVAC guy to tell him what’s wrong ( I would be conveniently late so he’d have to talk to the HVAC guy), made him go to Home Depot to buy blinds and gave him measurements (he would have to ask someone at Home Depot to cut them to size), drive thru”s for food (he has to order the food himself, pay for it), make him pay bills online and on the phone with a customer service person, make him call when my electric bill is too high (I will say I’m so upset about the bill, can he please call them for me and find out why bill is so high), pick up his meds, run errands for me, call and ask questions about bills or different phone plans etc

There are many many things that we can do to make our kids talk and interact briefly with someone else. I made him call his eye doctor for his 2 year check up. I made him go to the lab by himself for bloodwork. I made him call his GP for his yearly check up. Trying to convince him to call the dentist next, no luck there so far. I’m slowly “making him” do things by himself that I used to do for him or with him. Anything that would require outside interaction.

Since he enjoys driving anyway, I wanted to make good use out of it.

Going to try to make his daily errands progressively alittle more difficult, he may have to actually have a full conversation with someone.

When he returns from these errands, he seems happy like he accomplished something.

Getting him to talk 1st, then maybe work? My sons biggest hindrance was not talking or knowing how to socialize.

There are risks involved, including letting him drive my car by himself (I’ve always been in the car with him until recently), and I feel like so many things can go wrong, but at some point I’m hoping he would feel more “normal” again and doing what everyone else is doing.

It’s such a fine line between trying to protect and shelter them vs letting them go to be as independent as possible. My instincts are to always protect him and keep him safe. So scary

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Great ideas. We’ve got to all find loving ways to push our loved ones to live their best lives. Well done.

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Hello, I’m so happy I read this. That’s so creative of you. My son is very isolated been home for the past four months. He is 21 years old. I’ve been trying to get him out more and socialize. I’m going to try this! Thank you.

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@Ihavethevictory , I’m a mother who is desperate and willing to do whatever it takes to see some semblance of my son the way he was before he got sick. I’d make a pact with the devil if it meant it would bring him back.

It’s not in the stars that I will ever get my “old” son back, but I’ll take any little improvement that I can. I miss my “old” son so much as I’m sure many of us can relate to on here.

And yes, I do stay awake @ night thinking of ways to make him talk more and not making it obvious to him that I’m trying to do that. He’s very smart and he will sense foul play so I have to be very careful how I maneuver this.

And yes, I do tell white lies and say I can’t be there to help him right now, and can he possibly handle it? I’m trying to make him stand up for himself and be able to know a world without me in it.

I often say “you have got to start sharing some of the responsibility, I can’t do it all by myself”

I wish you the best and everyone else on here :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Good for you. I know in my recovery, I often struggled with trying to understand the purpose of small talk. Having set tasks or “missions” can help, because it makes social interaction seem to have a purpose. I recall in my early days of NAMI, I met some people who were involved with Toastmasters which is a group that helps people with public speaking by giving them tasks of making increasingly longer speeches in front of the group and sometimes to outsiders.

I took group voice and acting classes as part of my recovery and they would give you similar tasks. In Voice we had to prepare a song each week and then we’d go around the piano and each we’d sing our song, then the instructor would critique and go over bits of the songs and walk you through vocal exercises and such. It was made easier because we were all in the process together, so everyone got the experience of being performer and audience. Most acting classes are done in similar ways. A side benefit to these classes is it gave me something to talk about outside the classes. Similarly your son is having to report on his progress when he gets back from his errands.

In a way these are similar to real life “achievements” in video games. They have a way of reinforcing continuing on with the narrative of interacting with society, each time building on previous successes. When people ask about what sorts of jobs I recommend for people in recovery, I usually point to jobs that require a bit of low-stakes social interaction, it’s especially good with recurring interaction with the same people. Not so much that it stresses the worker out, but enough that they feel accomplished and can build some sort of rapport with coworkers or customers and vendors.

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@Maggotbrane , thank you so much for your input on this. Your input reinforces my belief that talking, even in any small capacity, can only help. I’ve often carried on a one sided conversation with my son for hours just hoping for some response from him trying to get him to answer back or at least acknowledge. The most I ever got was “ok” or “yeah” or “no”. Very frustrating.

And since he refuses CBT, any type of group therapy even via ZOOM, and any help from the ACT team, I’m kind of left to use my own resources.

I probably sound crazy to him because I talk so much about anything and everything but if that somehow helps initiate a response in full sentences I’m grateful for it.

Thank you again

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You’re more than welcome. Part of the genius of these sorts of interactions is in the US there’s such a focus on customer service. Being nice to customers and being helpful is almost a requirement, and there’s a formalized informal courtesy to customer interactions built in that mimics non business social settings. For me, before I figured out how to navigate classes and clubs and groups, commerce and work interactions were all I had.

At work, I had factory workers I interacted with on the job who took me under my wing and would remind to say hello in the morning and such, and they’d send me out on errands to pick up lunch for them. I’d frequently get lunch at the deli next door and eventually developed a rapport with the owner who knew me as a “regular”. My hairdresser had a habit of calling me to remind me of hair appointments and this eventually developed into going to events with her family and even visiting her and staying at her house when she moved to a big city.

Beyond these, any other regular interactions like getting the car serviced, opening bank accounts, going to the dentist or eye doctor or picking up prescriptions are opportunities for interactions. As mentioned I found attending classes to be helpful, since they offered regular interactions with low stakes (I audited my voice classes) and additional hurdles like getting registered and paying fees and finding parking and eating on campus etc. You might also add classes or other training to your list. I always felt more confident taking social risks in a structured framework that prepared me for work or avocations that required social interaction as a “cost of doing business”.

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Omg! This is exactly the way I am with my 35 year old son with Sz. I talk and talk, babbling on about inane, boring things! I feel like he’s thinking how ridiculous I sound. But he does not have conversation. He says yeah, no, I don’t know …

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Yes @daquilamarguerite1, same with my son. I always say to him, “if you had a dollar for every time you said no, yeah, I don’t know, you’d be a millionaire and could get off of SSI! He just gives me a very tiny smile.

My son is very flat, no emotion, and he was always that way since he was a baby. I always knew there was something “off”. The only time I saw any emotion was when he was in psychosis and then I saw anger.

I’m so glad he’s holding his own now and stable…but I do worry about his future after I’m gone.

And I’m certain he thinks I’m crazy because I never ever stop talking. Most of the time it is a very one sided conversation, but somehow it still makes me feel better knowing that he’s listening. We talk a lot about world affairs and politics- he seems to enjoy it. And I’m always joking with him, and say “can you imagine if you were president”? “You’d be the first president with schizophrenia”! And he just looks at me and stares but it makes him think. And that’s basically all I want him to do is to just to think by my talking constantly. There are days where I go from 1 topic to another all day long and I’m so exhausted, but I do it daily as much as I can. Whatever I can feed into his mind…

Thank you for your response, now I know I’m not alone.

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Engaging in life and knowing our opinions have value can go a long way to giving us a more focussed path to positivity, also possibly giving new meaning to a otherwise dull life (although balance is always key). I think those who know what it is to suffer may be more inclined to have understanding and empathy, and also perhaps more aware of the needs for positive change. Opening mind-sets and communication channels inviting their thoughts and opinions on what can be done to bring about positive change may engage healthy communication and improve self-esteem as they become aware that their opinions are sought, have value and are respected. Engaging the mind in a positive way often takes thoughts away from the negatives as one train of thought inspires, while the other deflates, depresses etc. I can’t help but think in the case of a label of schizophrenia a lot of sufferers feel they have nothing of value to give to life, or possibly afraid that people will dismiss or worse still somewhat demean their opinions if they were to give them. I’d be keen to hear thoughts and opinions on this. :slight_smile:

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Great point and welcome to our community. I KNOW my son hates the SZ label. He has enough insight to Google it and realize the perceptions, tragedies, and challenges.

And so often he has said ‘no one believes me because I’ve got SZ’. In fairness, many of his beliefs are challenging to accept. But living with that label likely only serves to frustrate his thinking and affirm negative perceptions.

Frankly, to counter this labeling-issue, I’ve advised my son that his condition may NOT be SZ. But something related or as of yet unknown. Not denying that there is a medical diagnosis for him but attempting to shield him from SZ label.

Sucks regardless.

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Yes beliefs can need addressing, especially in the case of psychosis etc. There is such a thing as healthy debate, as long as it stays healthy, but health teams are the ones to advise on this. My take is respecting others views, but allowing open communication can at least get thoughts out into the open and allow those with a need to know to keep their finger on the pulse so to speak. The danger of course though is it can enforce/strengthen someone’s misconceptions of reality which would not be a good thing. No easy thing to approach which is why seeking the guidance of health teams is paramount. I think we could do a lot worse than let someone afflicted know they are loved, valued and respected, and generally that in my opinion is done through actions, the manner in which we communicate etc.

Also thank you for the welcomes. :slight_smile:

My daughter is in her 40s, a different child from the one she was pre diagnosis. She has an incredible intellect and sense of humor. Medication has helped her mind be less muddled , but it is still there and so hard for both of us and our family. She is in a bad place now, the holidays or winter months are a trigger. we have the open communication and mostly our family respect her and love her deeply. Over stimulation is a real trigger and most of the time we can catch her. I am so disappointed in the healthcare system, having nothing for the uplifting of people with mental health problems. I agree with you that labels and discrimination is so hurtful to them and me to be honest. Growth happens, but we need to somehow be able to teach everyone about MI . Schizophrenia is the worst and such a terrible diagnosis, yet it can be helped with medication that sometimes makes the person even less approachable ie weight gain, tremors, on and on. Families need to be able to understand that your child needs your love, respect and care. I think the communication is very important and honesty with what we can and can’t do, to help get them back on track. A better Mental health system has to be our goal to help self esteem and the general publics awareness.
I know I’m rambling, I have dealt with this for many years and it hurts so much that there is not the support for my child.
She’s the smartest of us all and valued by her family. Society has to catch up.
Happy New Year 2023

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I think a healthy mind-set and positive self-image go hand in hand. Self-esteem is good, but being able to stand on one’s own feet and meet life’s challenges head on and be confident in ones abilities is to take away a lot of anxiousness, is to take away a lot of negative mental health triggers and make coping with afflictions so much easier. When someone knows they are valued, respected and included it makes for a good strong foundation someone can build on, it also inspires trust and breaks down barriers to communication. I agree with what you have written. :slight_smile:

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Also wishing you and yours a healthy, productive and rewarding 2023. :slight_smile:

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Poverty of thought/speech. One of the features I experience as well. There was a time I thought it was Autism/Asperger, but doctors confirmed it’s Schizophrenia. A cognitive or negative symptom. It’s like having low working/operating memory. Not enough neurotransmitters. There’s the chemical imbalance. I could argue it’s one of the features that is key to a real SCZ diagnosis. A fragmented mind vs. a regular mind. Thought disorganization. Difficulty connecting thoughts or holding onto the thoughts. Thus, verbal conversation with a schizophrenic can be difficult due to this alogia aspect. Especially since I entered adulthood, I noticed I have a lack of verbal speech to the point where others actually try to get me to talk. An example is when I tried to make in the US Army. They wondered why I’m so quiet and tried to get me to talk. They seem to conclude that it’s due to low intelligence which lead to complicated issues. At that time, I didn’t even know I had SCZ. Other soldiers did not know and didn’t know what SCZ is to begin with. Only doctors at a military mental health facility could see I had SCZ. It can be incredibly obvious.

I would recommend writing instead of verbally talking. I find myself to be a decent writer. Writing/typing gives me time to formulated and connected thoughts, to formulate real output that is visualized. I would see if he is good at writing/typing. If so, he would be like me, and you could get a lot of useful input by asking him to write out unpaused and formed constructs of communication. When talking, I may utter little output. When writing, I can produce enough output that helped me graduate with a Bachelors Degree.

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It was interesting you used the word fragmented in this post, and how writing gives you time to formulate and connect thoughts. I tend to find my written communication to be head and shoulders above my verbal communication too, although the gap has lessened a bit more recently. I wonder if your internal (or what I would call Spiritual) voice seems to be more fluent/pleasing than listening to one’s own voice too. Also how are you, I hope you are keeping well, and I apologise for the late reply. :slightly_smiling_face:

Yeah, I’m doing well. Hope you’re good too. I don’t mind late replies. When writing, I may output from my unconscious to formulate; thus, may not require voices.

Great to hear you are doing well. :slight_smile: I’m okay, and thanks for asking. :slight_smile: