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Heavy heart tonight


#1

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I have written anything here. I’ve been very, very lucky in that things have been steady (I don’t know how to explain whatever normal is these days!!) for a while. Today has been a bad, bad day made worse because I’d been lulled into a false sense of security I think. The name calling, the nasty accusations, the yelling and screaming all came back today and my heart hurts tonight.
I was googling poems to try and find one that fits my mood and I hope it’s ok to share one that I found. image

Sending love to all xxxx


#2

So sorry you are going through this. I am guessing you are the caretaker for you mom? Getting yelled at is never fun.


#3

Jcar, tomorrow’s a new day. Start fresh. Try to forgive.

You can do this. You’re not alone.


#4

Thank you so much for your replies. I’ve had chance to sleep in it now and having this place to write down what happened and how it made me feel, knowing that anybody who read it would understand, really helps so much. I’ve been able to put in into perspective, yesterday was just a blip, thinking back to days that actually were bad made me realise that I’m ok, I’ve come through a lot worse and the road will always be bumpy with bad days, horrific days and everything in between.
There truly is nothing to forgive as it isn’t my mum saying these things, it’s schizophrenia and she has no control over what it says, it just uses her as a vessel to say them. My mum loves me, schizophrenia doesn’t.
I’m not the caregiver for my Mum, we don’t even live in the same country which brings its own guilt but she’s in a place where they look after her and they care for her and she’s as happy as she can be. My mum is 69 and has been fighting this war for nearly 40 years, she is so strong and I’m so proud of her. Hopefully today I’ll be able to let my son talk to her but if not today, maybe tomorrow.
I’m sorry for my rambling, I always feel a bit washed out after a bad day but it’s all part of this rollercoaster.
Love to all, I hope today is a good day, always remember that someone understands how you feel and cares about you xx


#5

@Jcar You can always share your thoughts and feelings on this site. I think all of us understand quite well and we care about each person’s journey, and would like to offer something helpful or hopeful, if possible.


#6

Just when we feel everything is quiet and maybe just maybe we have tamed the disease and then it returns. I am so sorry Jcar. It is not any easy journey. I had 2 years of calm and finally feeling that I may have a life and then another episode happened. Not entirely the fault of my son since his psychiatrist believed he was capable of taking his own meds. He doesn’t live with me so I had no idea this was happening or I would have told her he was not ready. Of course, he stopped his meds and all hell broke loose. Life is very uncertain for us all so moving forward is all we can do and enjoy the space in between when we can. There is a meditation I have somewhere that says to feel the pain, find a safe space to sit and feel and cry and scream until you can move forward. Sending love and hugs to you all as we share this journey called schizophrenia.


#7

I hate the thought of my son refusing meds at some future point. I can’t stand the thought of going back to that horrible place. Even with meds, it’s still so hard and heartbreaking.

I hear so few stories of people with this illness having the awareness (not having anosognosia) to be able to manage their own meds.

With an illness like this, I don’t understand how an educated and trained psychiatrist could ever give the go ahead for their patient to choose to or not to take meds, without getting input from those on the outside (the family members). It’s so stupid and ignorant and inhumane.

But, that psychiatrist went home, enjoyed dinner with his or her family, and had a good night’s sleep. It must be nice.


#8

Exactly and I told her so too. I told her that since I am the person he calls when he is in trouble I am the one who needs to know first. I met with her on my 43rd wedding anniversary and explained that I don’t get to celebrate like she does. I would love a trip to some island for birthdays or anniversaries like she gets to do but here I am in your office fighting for my sons life. Don’t get me wrong I would give my life for my son but when it was unnecessary it really angers me and makes me so sad for my son who was only doing what they told him to do. I have to let it go and move forward . Thanks for listening.