Hi to all of you! So…how do you all who have young adult children with Schitzoaffective let them enjoy love relationships. Sorry if Im sounding ignorant on this…I see many who have love relationships with the disorder or have it on this forum. But Im asking out of concern for my son who has this and also the young lady or perspective ladies to be. My son met a nice young lady but she has issues of her own one being a cute baby! She is aware of his condition but she is young and all. My kid is still young in his illness still dealing with minor delusions. As a mom I always hope for my son to have love a real healthy relationship. Is this any of my business any way?? He gets annoyed when I step in to talk. But this young lady is my coworker lol and church sister. (Quite new to both the church dnd job) im do confused for my son. Surely someone on here understands my fear my hope and what Im trying to get advice on! Thanks
I don’t know what you can do. A person has their own worldview which is real to them. You really only understand your decisions in retrospect with 20-20 hindsight.
If he isn’t working, then don’t support him (rent, food) if he decides to move in with the woman. She will probably grow tired of supporting him.
If living with the woman motivates him to support himself, then that would be a good thing – a very good, recovery thing.
My son’s girlfriend stayed with him all throughout the worst of his pychosis but now that he is much better she doesn’t want to be with him. I think that when it was really bad she was in denial about how serious and permanent it was. I think she realizes now that he will never be the same as before. I completely understand her position but it breaks my heart to see him hurting from the loss off their relationship and I’m honestly not sure he will ever be capable of being a real partner in a relationship again.
My advice would be to try your best not to make a big deal about it. Frankly I’d probably find it pretty awkward to date someone who was my mother’s co-worker even if I didn’t have SZA.
The sum of my dating experience was after I developed SZA, and it was difficult because I had a tendency at first to be self conscious and overthink things. I liken the experience to an extended adolescence, and from my perspective some of the worst things parents can do is offer unsolicited dating advice, undue attention or try setting kids up who might not want to be set up. As young people say nowadays, it’s cringe.
This isn’t to say you shouldn’t offer advice if asked, or pretend that relationships don’t exist, just try not to make such a big deal out of things. Don’t expect that a relationship will “cure” him or even make his life easier, odds are it probably won’t. People (myself included) placing undue importance and pressure on relationships usually just stressed me out and it often leads to failure that’s only amplified by that excess.
I personally do best in low-key, low-pressure relationships. I don’t need extra drama or passion in my life. It took time to come to this conclusion. While I’ve dated women with grown and teenage children, I’m not sure I’d do well in an environment with young children. Too much distraction and additional drama and stress. Don’t get me wrong, relationships have been a definite boon for me socially, and they’ve enhanced my recovery, but they aren’t the end-all be-all for me. They enhance my life; they aren’t my whole life or a measure of my self-worth.
Our son was living with a girl who struggled with both SZ & SA, which was extremely dangerous for him, as a recovered addict. They lived together for a year & it felt like quadruple the amount of work to try to help them. I drove 2 1/2 hours to pick her up to go to rehab & she left after 2 days & landed back on our doorstep. My husband was very persuasive, insisting she go right back to treatment. He finally made an ultimatum with her: drugs or him, but she chose drugs. This was devastating for him & he was suicidal for a time. I think relationships can be really wonderful for our ill family members, but it depends on who…
Hey there 
Butterfly1. I’m one of those people who maintains a relationship with a person with a diagnosed MI. Been at it a long time. More than 10 yrs. We are both older, 40’s and 50’s. I can start by saying it sounds like your son has a head start for a positive outcome in managing to have a meaningful relationship in his future. I say this because it sounds like he has Insight, which is in my experience one of the primary hurdles. (If you’re not familiar with Insight, reference ‘anosagnosia’).
More relative personal experience to your son’s situation however, my ex-husband of ten years suffered from sever paranoid-type schizophrenia. He also has Insight, (side note: my current partner has none) though he wasn’t always med compliant which caused some pretty intensely abusive situations as he did heard voices, and his voices would tell him to do things, and those things usually entailed murdering me, his family, committing suicide, or killing the animals. I once had to pull him off of his closest childhood friend whom he had dragged overboard and held underwater (we were fishing in a small leisure boat). He was trying to drown him. And almost succeeded. He had not been taking his meds. Nobody knew. The voices told him to do it.
This disease is no cake walk.
I don’t tell you this to scare you, but I do think it’s important to understand that this illness is a lifelong struggle. There is no cure. There are fewer success stories it seems than tragedies. My ex, as it turns out, is a success story. He ended up with a woman who at the time had three younger children (he was always great with kids) and they fell deeply in love. She keeps him on his meds, no excuses, and finally went on to finish his electrician’s licensing (so excited for him. I’d been there for ten years helping him study and tried to be supportive of staying on track with field time and classes. Bravo to him!) Point is, sometimes, when there’s enough dedication and effort and patience and love, great things can be accomplished. These were my first thoughts…
Next, I applaud that you have the mindfulness of boundaries that you do. I think that’s important. I don’t personally believe you have the right to dictate anybody else’s love life, and I understand as a parent how hard that can be, MI or not. Kudos to you for respecting that.
That being said, I’ve found in both relationships, with my ex and also my current partner, the family support aspect has been and is huge. Like, HUGE. If my ex’s mother wasn’t perfectly open and close by and able to take charge and baker act him at some point my ex likely would have succeeded in killing me during an episode. We were very open about his illness as a family and he very willing to accept and participate and discuss when we had family meetings. This openness and supportive aspect of the family dynamic was invaluable. Yes, this can be tricky in some situations if you are trying to respect his privacy and rights. Maybe you feel it’s his place to educate this young lady he’s involved with about the disease, or not your right to volunteer to be involved. You’ll have to decide what’s best for you guys based on your personal dynamic. However, I have to say, with my current partner, if his family member hadn’t come to me and sat down with me as early on as he did to explain to me that my partner has a condition, a MI, a brain disease, and talk about some of his behaviors and tendencies and how pretty much it was going to be to know his brother down to the bones and that the family was aware of his condition and understood and was always a call away, we wouldn’t be having a relationship today. Or I’d be falling off a barstool. But don’t be disillusioned. My partner lacks insight. There is ZERO aspect of our working relationship that could be called ‘normal’ in any sense, and most outsiders who have never had the pleasure of having to deal with MI in their loved ones, have no friggin clue and would immediately judge my relationship as abusive and I’m sure describe it as having many other destructive maladies. But as I’ve said, they’ve just really no clue.
One thing that would I think warrant consideration is the fact that the young lady does have a cute baby. I can’t in good conscience say I think it’s a good idea to involve any young children with anybody who suffers these illnesses, especially if the person is themselves still getting to understand the nuances of their own illness. It effects everybody close to them. Any ideas people have about their futures and their Children’s futures are greatly impacted by this disease. Greatly. So if this girls got goals and a vision for her and her child’s future, somebody should let her know it’s not going to look much like she probably imagined if her heart tells her he’s the one. Get ready for the ride. Nothing will be standard or normal. Ever ever again. It’s a whole different kind of life we live.
I like to believe that those of us who are partners give a lot more than we will ever expect to get in return, and we are the consistency and ‘normalcy’ and the familiar in the face of our loved ones’ personal chaos of their minds. There’s plenty of happiness to be be found together, it’ll just be a bit different than most people imagine for themselves and their lives, especially when they are young.
Oh. And be ready to afford therapy. As partners we take a LOT of hits. We need to be able to take care of our own mental and emotional health too. As much as I believe in the power of prayer, Jesus just can’t fix this.
Hi my name is Elizabeth and my granddaughter hsa this and Bipolar and other issues she just met a nice young man she is 21and he is 20 he knows all about this and is very good to her and understands everything .You just have to let them find there way and be there for him .
Thanks for sharing. This was great advice.