Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

How can you deal with a w**ker of a brother in law

MY brother in law is a very judgemental. He hears of some things Ive done when very unwell and deeply psychotic and treats me like Im scum. Im not. Like for example he heard that I spat in my mothers face when deeply unwell and psychotic. I was crazy. And I deeply regretted my actions. But I was very unwell. But this brother in law heard this and treats me as if Im scum. Im not. Im a good person. I cant stand this brother in law. If he was a first family member I could have it out with him but now its awkward. He looks at me as if Im scum and never ever talks to me in the 23 years Ive known him.

Is he aware of your situation?

Sometimes it is best to just walk away from a conflict like that if you can, or maybe tell him to his face how you feel if you don’t think it will get you hurt. May be he thinks you are easy to push over the edge . I’d be at least that understanding and patient with this person but keep in mind they may have an un-diagnosed problem themselves if only an anger management one, try to understand why this is occurring. I have learned to analyze situations by looking for the cause or causes. There is a good reason probably along with some others that just pile up and spill over at times for all of us.

He knows that I thin that he is judgemental. He also knows that Im aware he ignores me always.

Ive told my mother all this who has relayed it to his wife. But its a waste of time. For example I befriended him on Facebook 2 years ago, but he has not shared one thing with me on his newsfeed. And that’s in two years.

I have a similar situation with my in laws, but rather than ignore me, they make snide remarks. I’ve had to break off contact with that side of my family as a result.

No no, I meant another thing. Does he know that you are ill? Because if he knows that, he should be ashamed and not you! If he doesn’t know it, maybe he has an excuse, well, even I, if I found out that someone “annoyed” his mother or anything like that, I might be judging him. However, doing it repeatedly, shows that he has issues himself. Maybe if you avoided him and not showing any interest at all to him? Maybe he thinks you are weak, and hits you in your weak parts!

He does know that I have schizophrenia. He just doesn’t seem to understand schizophrenia. He is extremely judgemental. Id be interested in hearing your opinions more.

I’ve discovered that guilt is a very powerful emotion that helps guide us along a chosen path. That is why a lot of TV preachers prey upon the weaker of us who are lead to believe we can buy our way out of a guilt trip laid on a lot of us when we are but infants by telling our parents we must be baptized to be free of original sin. That is what they are really praying for.

He counts on the fact that you are a kind person and that you want to have a good relationship with him. He is an a… for me. Trust me, you don’t need him. I 'm only sorry for your sister (?) Is she married with him? She has ruined her life. Don’t care about him anymore, try to avoid both if your sister doesn’t understand you, else get help by her. I would be very sorry if a sibling of mine would marry such a type of guy though. However, it is really as your mother said your sister’s responsibility, you must arrange the relationship you will have with her firstly and tell her to either help you, or avoid you.

My brother in law is great. One time he let me talk him into three wrong answers playing Trivial Pursuit. He didn’t hold it against me.

The guys a jerk. Don’t lose any sleep worrying about what he thinks of you. If you don’t live in the same house as him then put him out of your mind. Maybe confide in your sister about the whole situation including your regrets about spitting in your mothers face. Who’s more of a scumbag; someone who does a couple bad things when they were in the throes of one of the worst diseases on the planet or a person who treats someone who is in a bad position like dirt for 23 years? My vote goes to him.
What you did was between you and your mom and has nothing to do with him. He’s probably the type of person who gets off on treating people bad and is just looking for someone to take his hate out on.

My ex-brother-in-law always treated me condescendingly but at least he took it easy on me for 25 years. He wasn’t all bad.

@77nick77…the problem is he is a nice guy to other people. Its just hes extremely judgemental of me. I believe its the case that butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth and thus when he ehars of crazy things Ive done hes extremely judgemental.

WHere I stand in my views on him, is I know he is a nice guy to other people, its just that he is judgemental of me. He heard of these things and judges me a scumbag. I am not a scumbag, in fact I would consider myself quite the gent. I have been hearing the voice of God for the past 10 years.

Did he say you were scum?

No he never said it but he looks at me in that way, with a contemptible look. Also, in 23 years hes never spoken to me, but we meet each other about 5 times a year.

Ahh that’s the ‘thinking’ part of the brain , the part that assesses , makes inferences and draws conclusions… And is the part that gives you any other delusion

Hello @karl,

I’ve been thinking about your situation for since I first read your thread, I hope you don’t mind me posting.

I’m sorry your brother-in- law doesn’t seem to understand mental illness and is still holding on to the image of the past you. I was wondering if maybe there could be a way for your Mom who he seems to be protective of, could advocate on your behalf and put the whole incident in the past once and for all.

I can understand you not wanting to be around this person, but it does sound like your trying to find a way to open the door and promote some understanding or some friendship?

Is there a way you can talk to him and let him know that everyone is not the person they were all those years ago.

If he is nice to others, and not talking to you, maybe he’s trying give you some space? Maybe he doesn’t know how to start the conversation? He’s married to your sister, would she be a good go between help opening the line of communication?

I hope others in the family can help bridge the gap and let him see that everyone else involved has moved on and the past is the past.

Thank you for letting me post.

Maybe you could grin and bear it?There’s other people in the room, talk to them. 5 times a year is bearable. You have another 360 days where you don’t have to put up with him.There’s other people in the room, talk to them.
Or tell your sister to tell him that when you made your original mistakes with your mom you were not in your right mind but now you are better and you don’t do those things anymore. Tell your sister to tell him that you regret your past behaviour and you would never do it again. I know it might be hard to break the ice with your sister and discuss this situation. But it begs the question: What do other people in your family think about this situation? They have to notice what’s going on between you and your brother-in-law. What’s there take on it? It might help to know what the rest of the family thinks about this.