Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Dealing with jerk family member


#1

I have taken care of a family member who has schizophrenia. They have put me through hell and back. I am responsible for them all the time. Now, they are getting better. I have my own problems and they promised to help me financially, but they backed out because they like to spend money on things they don’t need. It makes me so mad because I wasted my life taking care of them and have always been generous with them. When I got mad I shoved them and hit them and yelled at them. They said I am abusive because I hit them. I am still so angry. I accepted abuse from them but they can’t seem to remember. I was always there for them and they have never cared about me, only sometimes and they always feel like the victim. They seem more normal then me and I hate them. Now I get to be known as an abuser and they act like they are somehow better than me. I have never hit them until now. But, they know I needed help and promised me but want to go shopping all the time. I tried to stop they spending habit and they think I am the one with the problem. I have protected them and dealt with their arguments. They never admit them being wrong and are always bad judge of everything. They always argue with me, but I have to rescue them from getting worse. Now they are better than me and I am struggling. I hate them so much I have always tried to do right by them and after years they treat me like this.


#2

I’m the one with sza and I get treated much as you described by a non sick in law. It may not be the illness it could just be their personality.


#3

So boiling it down, you feel that they’re not helping you financially when they’re in a position to do so?


#4

yes, they don’t care at all. they said they would help a year ago, and when I can use their help they back out and blame me for getting angry when they are always spending money on things they dont need.


#5

i know i should not hit them but it was more like shoving. they are always the victim its annoying.


#6

i sound abusive, i feel abusive but i am tried of being the always wrong. they can get away withe everything


#7

Did they give any reason why they wouldn’t / couldn’t help financially? It sounds like a sucky situation to be honest.


#8

they don’t have a lot of money but enough to help me. they only use their money on shopping. its their money so they say i cannot force them to help me.


#9

they just care more about themselves


#10

thank you. sorry prob not their sza. your right probably it’s their personality. sorry you have to go through that too.


#11

It must be an inheritance of some sort, because Social Security makes you pay for your living expenses. Is it something like that?


#12

When I was sick, my mom thought pretty much the same thing as you. But she decided to deal with it by stealing all my money and then complaining because I couldn’t move out of the house because she took all my money. The way you decided to deal with it is also not going to help anything. What relation are you to this family member? Maybe instead of hitting, you two could sit down together and work out a reasonable budget that still allows for them to have small enjoyable purchases and a feeling of independence.

Also, I would suggest that if you feel so pushed to the edge that you have to resort to violence, maybe you can no longer be a caretaker for that person. With my mom and I, things got so bad that in the end I realized I had to leave if I ever had any hope of salvaging that relationship in the future. I ended up choosing homelessness, but maybe the situation doesn’t have to be that extreme in your case. Maybe another family member can look after them for a few weeks to give you a break.

You should never feel like anyone owes you anything. You took care of a sick person when they could not take care of themselves. That was an honorable thing to do. But it doesn’t grant you a right to anything of theirs. If they choose to show gratitude by giving you money, that’s great, but they do not owe you anything. When they were sick they were not capable of meaningfully agreeing to any such terms. Sometimes a person gets better and decides to just tell you to go fuck yourself. That is a jerk move, but it is their right as a person.


#13

Another thing to watch out for is that sza has a mood element to it. One of the biggest signs someone is becoming manic is excessive spending, mostly on stupid shit. The beginning stages of mania can make it appear that they are doing better, when they are actually just as sick as they used to be. They will probably talk about being cured and feeling amazing. Just some warning signs to keep an eye on.


#14

I’m sorry your feeling this way.

Anger will consume… and grow… and make things worse.

Get some help for you… take time for you and distance yourself from the situation.

You need to take care of you first before anger and resentment eat you alive.


#15

No offense, but your family is pretty screwed up.


#16

Not helping nick.


#17

No one takes care of me and I’m a little ticked off that I have to take care of everyone else so there. I’m on strike.


#18

If you feel resentful of your family member, you should probably stop / do less for them. It’s not healthy to be a “martyr”. You should only help someone if you’re willing for it to be with no strings attached (especially if the person you’re helping is ill in some way). As in, just because you helped them does not mean they owe you money (or anything). So while it would be nice if they’d help you, they don’t owe you, just as it was nice of you to help them, but you didn’t have to. IMO you should let this go and try to find the money elsewhere. It won’t help you to be furious about them. You have my sympathy though- this does sound frustrating.


#19

When helping you is hurting me . . .

When you do the exact same things as Mother Teresa, but go home at night and wish you could kill all the people you helped that day . . .

It is what it is.


#20

I can relate because I have a jerk family member also I just try to stay away