That’s what we were trying to do. The message was that we love SIL but she is not doing well and the doctors said it was not safe for her to have contact with the baby until she is doing better. He got angry and pushed back so partner calmly explained what the doctor said and why it was too risky. We didn’t even address her mental state or delusions about having a family.
His reaction was still unreasonable - he dismissed the medical advice and the basic response was that SIL being included/happy is worth the risk. It’s not and they don’t get any say in this decision. I’m not sure how much more nicely this could have been said, but I’m very open to any suggestions!
I would just have to choose not to discuss it further. Sounds like you have communicated what you need to on the matter very clearly.
You mentioned that there is still some time until your delivery. You might want to add that this is not a once and for all decision, that if your SIL is able to address her health issues, you might be willing to discuss the matter again.
@Vallpen I think that’s the plan, but they are calling to keep discussing/arguing the point. Based on advice from folks here I am not dealing with any of these communications and am leaving it to my partner. Any suggestions on how to kindly say “this is our decision, we’ve explained it, and we are done discussing it”?
Family dynamics can be hard to navigate even without mental illness! I think that sentence right there ’ This is our decision, we love you, and we choose to not discuss it further’ is the best you can do in this circumstance.
Repetition of that, and polite non-response to any further discussion on the topic may be your only choice.
Yes, I agree. As you put it yourself, I think it is simple, you must help your partner to quietly insist to the parents that “this is our decision, we’ve explained it, and we are done discussing it”.
I guess we have no other choice. Trying to reason with them seems futile when their position is that we should ignore medical advice and grant full access to the baby for SIL because they say so. We tried suggesting other ways of fostering a relationship between SIL and baby - Skype dates, cards, calls etc. but in their mind that’s “unfair” regardless of the risk she poses.
I don’t understand how they have become so detached from reality themselves. And how they think it’s ok to insist others function in their alternate reality. It’s frightening and just solidified my resolve to not let my partner fall back into his family’s desfunctional dynamics.
I am the mentally ill one, but my husband has very unsupportive and abusive family. I tried for years to help him and even put up with them living in our home.
2 years ago they reached peak abusive level and accused us of abusing our kids. It was the final straw for him to finally break all contact.
It is hurtful at first but tbh it creates peace to be rid of them. Your husband may need to sever ties to be free of this problem.
I’m sorry @ZombieMombie - living with abusive family sounds like a nightmare! Glad you were able to get free of that situation.
I don’t think my partner would ever do that. His parents are not abusive, just deeply in denial about how sick their daughter is and unable to respect boundaries others set if those boundaries somehow challenge their delusional world. SIL spends her days walking in circles around the house yelling or talking to hallucinations while drinking and chain smoking. She stopped bathing a long time ago, can’t care for her basic hygiene, has trouble remembering to feed herself and use the bathroom. She does this until she is exhausted and then sleeps a few hours and starts all over again. And they want us to pretend this is just the way it has to be and don’t understand why we stay in hotels and why she is not in a condition where she will be allowed around our son. It’s not a pleasant interaction, but it’s not abusive either.
Some other family have largely cut off SIL, however, after her verbally abusive outbursts. For my own well-being, I’ve decided to just stop interacting with them besides the occasional text message with my in-laws.
As a parent of someone with this illness, I would like to express that it is extremely heartbreaking to have a child who suffers in this way, and that being in denial about it is how some people cope with the loss and sadness. It is just beyond imagining how a parent feels about this unless you are in the same position.
I’m sure your in-laws have some awareness that this is not ‘normal’, and continue to grasp at straws of hope that things can improve. Keep a soft heart for all of them.
@Vallpen, I admittedly struggle with this exact thing because of their history of not trying anything to help SIL. They have the financial means and influence to get her help (very well off and friends on the board of one of the most sought after residential programs on the east coast) and have instead chosen for years to pretend nothing was wrong. It is hard to keep a soft heart for them when they have fought every effort to get her help, choosing instead to hide her away so they wouldn’t be embarrassed (their words at one point, not mine). My partner has done the legwork for them for guardianship, setting up a trust, researching residential programs, getting appointments with medical experts, etc. They did nothing with it.
I feel sorry for SIL. She did very well (held a job, was able to communicate with friends and family, etc.) when she was forced to take medication. She could have a life if they were willing to act.
I think this is only true to an extent in this situation - there is no plan in place for her future care and they fully expect us to take her in once they are gone. You are absolutely right that it is their right to live as they please, but they cannot simultaneously demand others assist them or agree with their decisions that affect the whole family. If they choose to do nothing they can’t expect family members who have been searching for solutions to come running on demand.
@oldladyblue, no it’s not. We’ve done what we can - started a trust we contribute to; educated ourselves through NAMI and reading recommendations from other families; collected medical and criminal records and saved messages for future guardianship petition. Beyond that we can only hope her parents realize their mistake and act.
BDinVA1, I’ve been reading this thread since it’s start. I absolutely understand the ins and outs of your issue. It’s tragic, on many levels.
My hopes for you are that you step away from this conversation and this stress, enjoy the remainder of your pregnancy, and bring a healthy child into the world. Keep your baby safe.
Schizophrenia is a terrible and tragic illness. It’s not your fault. You can’t fix it. Peace.
I took a step back from everything. My partner is handling all of this with his family now. He spoke to both parents separately again about the health risks the doctor highlighted - no discussion of her mental illness, just the contagious disease and hygiene issues. They got angry and defensive, said SIL “is the person most excited about this baby” and that the baby is good for her. They dismissed the contagious diseases saying they weren’t a big deal and you can see when she’s having a breakout (not true per the doctor). They maintain we should risk the baby’s health in order to include her. They justified all of this by saying they are her advocate without recognizing that we need to be our baby’s advocate and that the baby isn’t medicine for SIL.
They were clear why would bring her whether or not she was invited/welcome. Sadly that means they won’t be told when I go into labor and they won’t get to visit for several months until the doctor says the risk is gone/manageable and they accept they can’t bring SIL with them. Not at all how I hoped things would go, but they’re being entirely unreasonable and expect us to prioritize SIL over our child’s health.
One thing we all learn in managing our loved one’s illness, is that there is no way to control the other relatives’ feelings either. Your situation is tough, as they won’t accept your decision regarding the SIL. Mine was my one and only sister’s refusal to accept MI won’t cure with “tough love” as she advised me to handle my daughter. With time, she accepted that MI is not a “discipline” problem, and her attitude changed, but it took several years.
I hope you are having a pleasant pregnancy otherwise, and that you do some special things for yourself and your partner to overcome the negative insistence from his family.
Glimmer of hope: in laws have agreed to get vaccinated themselves and finally admitted that SIL won’t get vaccinated or take meds to control her contagious issues because she is suspicious of all medication (they have lied about her compliance in the past to folks in order to have her included). It’s a big step, I think, for them to say that outloud and I tried to be very supportive and encouraging when they did. Still a long ways from admitting she’s a health risk and not forcing the issue of access/inclusion on others, but maybe there’s hope they’ll accept reality and be able to participate as grandparents after all!
Nope, I was wrong. The vaccines were just another tool to help them argue with us about access to our baby. They made a nursery in their house and are talking to SIL about the baby shower and all the things she’ll get to do as an aunt. It’s cruel to her and incredibly disrespectful to us. And probably very very unhealthy for SIL’s delusions. Now she just talks to the voices about the baby. They won’t be meeting the baby either at this point.