Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Husband suspects me


#1

This may be long, but please someone take time to read, I need advice. My husband has not been diagnosed, he refuses to think there is a problem. He is on crystal meth, but he had paranoid episodes before that, so I think the meth triggered something already there.
His beliefs are very bizarre and for awhile he tore our house up, digging in walls looking for cameras and pulling wiring out of sockets. About a month ago he suddenly started focusing his suspicions on me. It’s built up in his mind to the point he thinks I have an escort (prostitute) job on the side, and thinks I’m conspiring with whatever organization he thinks is spying on him. He watches me and asks me why I’m doing certain things, like pulling the shower curtain closed for example. When I tell him, he snickers like He knows the real truth. He is constantly digging in my phone, and says I’ve downloaded apps that allow “them” to spy. At night, he hugs me one minute and the very next, he’ll say why are you looking toward that mirror, or what are you doing with your hands? He removed the mirror off the dresser and put in the closet. He thinks that maybe I’m letting people video us at night with hidden cameras. If I take the blanket off one leg if I’m hot, he says “you’ve never done that before,” and puts it back in me. He continually alternates by being affectionate and accusatory. He says, “all day you act so damn weird.” I have learned to keep silent. If asked a question, I give flat one word answers with no emotional reaction. He kept telling me, “you just don’t understand what you’re doing, do you.” Lots of times he feels vibrations and thinks I’m hiding a vibrator in the bed. He gets upset because I don’t hear the noises or see the shadows he sees and he thinks I’m lying. He examines the books I read and says I picked them for some ulterior motive, same with songs. So I dont read or listen to music around him anymore. I also don’t visit my friend anymore, who has children my daughter’s age, because he thinks I’m dropping my daughter off there, so I can go do my “escort” work.
I could go on and on. He got close to my face last night and said, “you’re ridiculous you know that?” It creeped me out so much I got up and slept on the sofa. Later he came got me and apologized, said it won’t happen again. But it will.
He got fired from his job 4 months ago, and he forced me to quit mine 2 weeks ago. We only have one car, and he started refusing to take me to work and refused to get our daughter ready for school (I had to leave very early) He would get very angry about the job and told me I cared more about my boss than our family. This went on every morning til I finally gave in. Now we’re having to sell possessions to pay bills.
I feel so hopeless and have nowhere to go or turn to. I feel like I’m losing myself.I truly love this man. But this is not the man I know and love. He has never been violent or threatening, but sometimes I wonder if it could get that way.


#2

Hello, I am so very sorry that you are having to face this with your husband. I understand you love him. If he is unaware that he is ill or unwilling to seek help because he is unaware, the combination of his illness and his drug use puts you and your daughter in potential danger regardless of what kinds of behaviors have gone before and regardless of how much you both have always loved each other in the past. I have not been married but I have been a full time caretaker for my adult sz son for more than a decade and I have other family members including my son who have been dual diagnosed (mental illness and addiction) so I know something of the behaviors and how unpredictable, strange and often frightening they can be, I don’t know if it is possible to convince your husband to be seen by a doctor or have other family members (maybe his parents, siblings or friends) help you to get him to a doctor for an assessment.

If it is not possible then you might have to separate in some way just to remain safe and stable for you and your daughter, until something changes for your husband and he can get the help he needs. I know this is extremely jarring and difficult to deal with. All I can advise from my experience is to try to convince him as best you can to get help and beyond that put the safety and stability of your daughter and yourself at the top of your priority list, because his continued illness and addiction will weigh ever more heavy on you and your daughter if it continues unchecked. As for the unfounded suspicions accusations and other odd behaviors you witness in your husband now, they are all symptoms and by products of whatever illness he is suffering from and the drugs he using. They will continue and likely escalate without some kind of change or positive intervention.

Again my heart goes out to you sincerely for what you are dealing with, it is not easy or fair by any measure. I hope that the stories you read here and the responses you get help. Depending on where you live there is an organization called NAMI that can often have good resources to help you figure things out and this is the link. https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/Family-Members-and-Caregivers My best to you and your family going forward.


#3

Catherine thanks so much for your reply. This is by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever dealt with. I’m glad I found this forum, and reading other’s stories helps me know I’m not alone. I will continue to try to help him, unless the situation becomes dangerous.
Although keeping silent in order not to agitate him may help keep the peace, it is not diminishing his beliefs, and the situation continues to worsen. When I mention calmly he may need help, that the things he believes are not normal, this makes him angry and he says I don’t trust him that these things are happening. What an impossible situation!


#4

You are very welcome. I wish there was more I could do to help. I do know that at one point I got counseling for myself, partly because I was having trouble keeping up with my family’s insanity but also to just learn better ways to cope. Sometimes having someone to talk to in real life that has some professional experience with these matters can help you to figure out your next move. Sending you hugs and hope.


#5

This is one of the most unhealthy situations that I have read on here and there seems to be a child involved. This is just down right sick. If I were you, I would take that only car, your child and the few pennies that you have and get the hell away as fast and as far as you can go and start over… There are no encouraging words to be useful here in my opinion. You can NOT afford to get him help, you can NOT afford to do much of anything but run… This is time critical with a METH addict, you and your child are in danger.


#6

Just for the record @rmpara, when my nightmare with my son began (years ago), I had no money, no car (only a menial job) and he was taking every drug he could get his hands on, even after he reached adulthood. Admittedly, even with how much I love my son, there were many times I would have wished so much that I could take my few pennies and run away and start over, I really did, but it is so impossibly hard for a mother or a wife or sister or most anyone to forget someone you deeply love even if it is in your best interest to do so. Maybe those of us that can do that are actually stronger or wiser in some ways or in different ways, I don’t really know for sure. I know I chose to fight, I took guardianship over my son and took charge of his whole life for awhile, against his wishes (back then), it took a huge toll on my health and my mind but 12 years later, my son is sober and stable on medication, productive, peaceful and calm and often quite funny and a real joy to be around most days. I am getting better and my health and peace of mind are on the mend as well. My outcome is (from what I hear) in the minority of most outcomes. I am blessed or stubborn, or lucky, or all three. My son will probably always live with me and need some kind of assistance and I have advanced directives for if and when I pass on before him, but we have become cooperative roommates, I am okay with that. Only you can decide whether to run away and start over or stay (at a safe distance) and fight in whatever capacity you think you can. Just remember your decision is your daughter’s --because she is too young to decide for herself, and there is no way to know if your husbands delusions or addictions will lead to a violent end. No one can predict that so you have to err on the side of caution at every turn, if not for yourself then for your daughter. Just my last 2 cents worth. Stay safe.


#7

He needs to get treatment as quickly as possible. You and your daughter also need to be safe and in as low a stress environment as possible. Here are some ideas:

Try to get him to go with you to see a psychiatrist or psychologist - find something that he can agree with you to see him about - it might be sleep issues, or stress, or anxiety or depression or not feeling good… just get him in there, prewarn the psychiatrist and share a much as you can with the psychiatrist before hand.

Here are some resources - do you have other family members that can help you. Educate everyone, and keep a journal about your husband’s behaviors and beliefs so that you can share it with the mental health professionals.

Study this document:

FIRST Aid for Psychosis
http://www.schizophrenia.com/sznews/archives/005561.html

How to get help:

http://schizophrenia.com/family/FAQgen.htm#whattodo

Here is a good place to get your husband to, if you can:


#8

I almost stopped reading when he said he was on meth.
You can’t live like that. Leave with your daughter. Go to a women’s shelter. Ask yourself; what is the end game here? Once your sellable possessions are gone, then what? He is not being rational. You have to be for yourself and your daughter.


#9

Yep, NOT GOOD… Damn shame… Between METH and heroin many in his country are screwed… She may think it is hard to leave the man she loves but wait till a METH addict runs out of money, he will try to prostitute her and her daughter…


#10

I would not say it in quite the same way as others have, but I agree that at this point, love or no, you are responsible for your own and your daughter’s safety and that putting distance between you and your husband would be the best choice at the moment.
There were times I have had to place my son in residential settings which I would have preferred he not have been in, but I know it was the best choice, for my safety and his wellness. Having a child in the picture makes it that much worse. Without a mental illness, METH can tear apart a family, and based on THAT ALONE, I think removing yourself from the situation would be best. Based only on his drug use, I think leaving is your best and safest option. You can’t provide good parenting for your child in this situation. More than likely, if he is using meth, this behavior will continue to escalate.


#11

Well, They have NO money and couple this fact with the length of time for the system to see them, it will be WAY to late… Family or shelter is about it… I am pretty hard on this as I have seen what Heroin and METH has done to my daughter…


#12

Hi, my boyfriend has been schizophrenic since he was a young boy and has had a long history of drug use, including a heavy use of crystal meth. At one point in his life he was using both prescriptions for scz and self medicated street drugs. While he shares all this with me and his experience during that time (which was before I met him) I know that much of his extreme episodes have been triggered with the use of meth. I know that with my own experience as a recovering meth addict, without a condition like scz, that I began to develop my own paranoia and hallucinations. Now, that we are both in recovery from meth (over a year) and he has been off his scz meds that although we know his condition is ever changing it is for the most part manageable for him.
I DO KNOW that without him being drug free, no alcohol & no type of substance use at all, he would not be able to live a full & safe life for him. 100% I would not continue our relationship if he was using meth again. If his scz became a period of turmoil I would not leave his side and as long as he is seeking to do all he can to live a healthy, full, safe life then I would support and love him. I am learning loving him as a man, a man with scz and a man who is a recovered drug addict- I think i know enough at this point that he is all 3 in one man… and scz is part of him, meth addiction is not!

I also am a survivor of domestic violence from a previous relationship 10yrs ago, and my heart really goes out to you being in a situation like you are. I developed anxiety and would have anxiety attacks when i was in that situation as well as other issues which took me years of counseling to cope with. Everyday I now carry the recovery of my DV and meth use. Your post made my heart go out to you because I can relate to that kind of torture & torment. It is possible to live a joyful, full, safe life but it will take your strength, healthy boundaries, limits you set and finding help.

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations which are beyond us and we have no idea how fix it or get out.
Please do not seclude yourself from others, reach out to those around you and services which can help guide you- YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! in California calling *211 is a help line for people in need for things like this, please search for a similar phone # that you can call


#13

You can request a psych eval from first responders where I live. They came to my house (my son quit talking ) and they were very kind and gentle and they did take him in an ambulance. In your case I’m not sure if he would present himself as psychotic enough to fail the evaluation. I also thought SZ mostly occurred in men by mid twenties so I wonder if this is something else. I don’t think I could live under the conditions you describe. I think you need to call your local help hotline from another house or location where he won’t hear you and get some advice. First and foremost you have to make some tough decisions to ensure the safety short and long term of your child. I will keep you in my prayers.


#14

Mpara: You are in a situation that needs immediate action. Here is what I know works… Go to the county court house and fill out a “mental health warrant”…then after you get the warrant, go to your local police department and ask for the mental warrant to be served to your husband. It is not necessary to mention Meth…because he is clearly psychotic whether it is Meth or not. The police will get you an estimated time that he will be picked up and you need to plan on not being there when it happens. If he doesn’t have insurance, he might have to go to a state owned hospital. Not sure where one is in your county, but the police should know where they can take him. These days most police departments have mental health training and will be able to give you a little information on what to expect. Most importantly do not be there when he is being served, because he’ll blame it on you and may have enough wherewithal to talk his way out of it.

You must do this for yours and your daughters safety …as he is a thread hair away from becoming violent…you must not second guess what he is capable of doing, because you do not know what he is capable of doing, because he is not mentally your husband right now.

Good luck, I hope you can do this and get your life back on track…you are in a dangerous/perilous situation that needs immediate attention. Please let us know what happens and if you are all right…Will be thinking and praying for you.

donna


#15

P.S. Look up the word Anosognosia - It means their brain literally can not see that they are ill, so no amount of telling him he is sick and needs help will get him to seek it, because he believes there is nothing wrong with him.

You also might want to google Xavier Amador, Ph.D. There will be some YouTube videos that talk about Schizophrenia and in your case “Psychosis” from the continuing use of Meth. (there are positive and negative symptoms)

Added to be an edit to my DRyan327 post…


#16

Hi. I haven’t posted on here much. But hour post really tugged at me. Why? Because you and your child are in danger. Your particular situation has major red flags. There are no saving virtues here. It can on!y get worst without intervention. Your husband is totally out of control and helpless to change his course. That means YOU are the only one who can save you, your daughter, and possibly him. You may not be used to being the one in charge in your relationship, and this can be a difficult mental switch to make. However, there is no other recourse except YOU take the reigns and take action. You’ve been advised by some to leave. That’s easy to say and not as easy to do because of emotional ties to someone you love. However, that may be your only option and might be the thing that convinces him he needs help. You staying may in fact be enabilng him to deny he needs help. Without you shielding him, his illness would not be manageable alone and he might catch the attention of the authorities and be taken for an evaluation. You could first tell him you’re too stressed out by all his suspicions and if he won’t go with you to a counselor to talk about his “trust issues” then you will have to leave
Be prepared that he will refuse, and then you have to go, even if to a domestic violence shelter. Your choices are very limited but YOU are the one that will have to take the lead here. Your husband, bless his soul, needs you to act decisively on his behalf, yours and your child’s. We’ve all been there and know how hard this is to do. Find your strength, because its there. You can do whatever it is you know in your spirit and gut needs to be done. Your husband is not the man you married right now and he needs you to see that even if he doesn’t know that’s what he needs. Feel free to message me directly for support. Love yourself. You are not all the unkind things he may say about you at this time.


#17

I have known my fair share of drug abusers in my lifetime.
I agree with GSSP.
Please realize that you and your child are in a very dangerous situation.
The person you loved is gone.
It probably will be the hardest thing you have ever done, but
for your child’s and possibly your husband’s sake, you should cut ties immediately,
run far away and never look back.