I’m so sorry to read your story Irene. I know it’s a terrible burden. Every detail of your story is familiar to me; I’ve been there.
I know you don’t want your son to go to prison, but remember my story about Billy. The takeaway is that the more you enable him, the more he will escalate his inappropriate and criminal behavior.
If your son is anybody like Billy, the only thing you will derive from protecting him from consequences is pain and fear. He’s still going to come at you in a psychotic rage some day and try to kill you. If he’s anything like Billy, he’ll get worse; not better.
You know I speak from experience. I regret shielding Billy from the natural course of events - prison.
What is your plan for him when you’re both dead? Who will take care of him then? Prison may very well be a better fate than living on the streets. They’ll feed him, force him to take meds, force him to practice basic hygiene. I could never get Billy to take meds or practice hygiene, but you can be assured they will in prison.
I remember what I said to my father after Billy tried to kill my mother. He made me promise I’d keep him off the streets and out of prison. I told him to his face: “But that’s where he belongs.” The year was 1980 and I never followed up on my conviction. Instead, I sacrificed my own life and sanity for a savage, hopeless ingrate. I paid a big price for nothing.
Yes hope it is a nightmare. They have him in jail now and he is completely psychotic still. The courts were very rude and confusing at the dention hearing yesterday. They did not want to get him in mental health court, which could be his savior, I now have detained an attorney to help with this mess. The public defender they assigned him seemed completely uninterested in anything about this case. Keep you posted. Have a peaceful day.
I’m glad you hired an attorney - he belongs in mental health court. Thanks for keeping us posted, I know we were all worried that the pickup would go poorly.
I’m sorry the courts were of the opinion he didn’t need mental health court ! Beyond frustrating when I’m sure the history of police calls state he is mentally ill and unmedicated ! the lawyer should help
I’m not sure if the jail he is in has a mental health team I found one at my brothers jail by looking up the different programs and discovered they had a team called FAST inside which is a lot like a crisis team . my brother refused the services though.
I also call and ask to talk to the nurses and give his health history , I know it’s so worrying this gives me a little peace of mind .
My son’s been jail nearly a year now because he stopped his meds. He harassed his neighbors, broke stuff, wouldn’t keep his clothes on- I desperately tried to get him help. He got arrested after attacking his neighbors- he continues to refuse medication jail. He’s been uncooperative/ I’m sure they’ve isolated him. His in a wheelchair and he was taking it apart so they took it away from him. He lost apartment he’s lived in for 17 years. My son is 46 years old and was good about taking his meds. Almost 2 years ago he started to lower his meds and thought the haldol was the enemy-he started using weed and mushrooms -it became impossible to communicate with him. I haven’t seen him since January- we had a good relationship and talked almost daily and saw him weekly- it’s just so sad to lose a loved one to this horrible disease and not have anyone or anywhere to turn for help. At this point I’m afraid of him and what he’s capable of doing. It’s discouraging and scary -I attend alanon it helps- we didn’t cause it, we can’t cure it and we can’t control it. We all need to take care of ourselves.
Reading your story is so similar to mine. All I have to do is replace daughter for son. I never had her incarcerated as I do not feel that is a logical pathway for these people. They are simply placed in cell and held until all steps are exhausted. My daughter has been recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder after several other diagnoses over the past 3 years. On top of it she is profoundly deaf which makes therapy all the more difficult. I truly believe there needs to be closer monitoring of the drug cocktails these doctors prescribe as many are non-affective. What is frightening is the fact the voices are so commanding of their actions. I have to constantly tell my daughter to talk with me and not them, but it will last for a few minutes and then off she goes talking with them. I wish we could lend support in way of suggestions to assist each other as parents and caregivers of this horrible illness. My daughter was 34 when this came about but she is a victim to child molestation and sexual assaults between the ages of 7-8 years. I must be honest in stating that I have been waiting for something like this to occur in her life as the assaults were horrific. My family was surprised she had not turned to drugs or alcohol to deal through the pain. However, the brain handled it in this manner. It angers me so as she has had to deal with so much in her life and now this on top of it all. My concern is her future as dealing with all of this has taken its toll on me physically as well. I am 75 and worry what will happen to her if anything happens to me. Incarceration is not the answer, but I understand the system handles it this way. In PA I need to call out for a 302 which can take days to respond. Our country has let these victims of mental illness down. The system is indeed broken. Good luck with your son Irene. I pray for all of you.
I feel for everyone struggling to help a loved one who is committing crimes and making lives miserable. I remember when that was my daughter, however, I am one of the lucky ones that was helped back to sanity by the police, doctors, and judges on my daughter’s case.
Do call the police every time a crime is committed. Whether the person is in their right mind or not, crime should NEVER be tolerated. Tolerating crime endangers yourself, your family, your friends and neighbors continuously into the future. It takes a lot to be strong and press charges, and to resist paying bail to get them out. I used to feel so guilty calling the police, because I don’t like to force the law on someone. But, I finally realized that violence or threatened violence are not something to “put up with”. The police came to our home over 40 times, of those times, my daughter was taken to a hospital 5 times, she was jailed twice. The last time she was arrested, it was only because I went to court during her arraignment hearing, asked to speak, and got to talk directly to the judge that she ended up on court ordered medication. I knew I only had minutes to talk, so I told the judge that she was “talking to people up there in the sky” while I pointed to the ceiling. He understood she was very mentally ill, asked me what help I needed, and I said “forced medication”. He asked her if she wanted to stay in jail or she could be released if she agreed to take medication. When she agreed to take medicine, he then ordered a psych eval and she was released from jail to a hospital where she was put on a long acting injectible instead of prescribed pills she could just throw away. She was court ordered to continue taking her injection when she was released from jail/hospital. That was THE ONLY thing that saved our family. She has been on that medicine for years and has recovered herself to a new life and is a joy to live with.
Learn the laws and don’t be afraid to use them to force a person to jail/hospital who is committing crimes. It is sometimes the only way to help your loved one.
Hi Carly, Our stories sound similar and are very tragic. I am not sure if my son is taking any meds is jail. He has a detention hearing on Thursday and I will go and hopefully find out more. I do not want my son to see me in the courtroom as I think it will be too upsetting. I know it will be awful for me to see him but I am going because I want to talk to his lawyer. I am going to try to sit where he can t see me. I am also afraid of my son at this point, I don t think many people who don t deal with this could understand how terrible it is to be so afraid of your own child. I feel so bad for both our sons stuck away in jail because they were unlucky enough to be stricken with a horrible disease. It is beyond heartbreaking, but we have to go on and live our own lives. It is so frustrating that they are their own worst enemy. Hope your night and our sons is peaceful. I keep praying.
You advise and story is very hopeful and insightful. It is always heartwarming to hear good stories! I am so glad you and your daughter are thriving. It is hard for a parent to thrive when their children, adult or not, are chronically ill.
Hi Meg Meg, I hope my son does not refuse meds in jail. It is so frustrating that they are their own worst enemy. I just pray that he is will accept meds and accept mental health court if it is offered. My son has always been so stubborn so who knows!
Hi Colleen, Your story with your daughter is so hard, it sure takes its toll mentally and physically. I am 67 now and I am burnt out dealing with all this. I don t think incarceration is an answer for this, my son was stealing constantly attacked my husband and police were called while I was out. At that point he was taken away. I had tried for months to get him to go to hospital so it would not lead to incarceration. He had been off his meds since he threw them all out in April 2024. I called police and went to social workers and begged crisis care team for help to get him involuntary hospitalization. No one would take him to hospital and he certainly wasn t going voluntarily. So this is what it came down to. It feels almost like it isn real, I had always dreaded him going off meds. He had been fairly med compliant for about 9 years. He would skip for a few days and then go back on. Boy have things been crazy and awful since he totally stopped, screaming with his voices, manic stealing from people patios and garages and the attack. Such a sad illness so much. They don t deserve this and neither do we.
For sure, dealing with this illness leads to problems in our own lives with our health and peace of mind. Self-care is so so important. Please try find some time for your own peace and health.
@Coleen depending on your state and county, court systems address the mentally ill differently. There is no mental health court in my county, but all our judges know to address mental health issues in their courtrooms. You can research options available by calling attorneys from internet ads and asking for a free consultation, or by calling the clerk’s office (they can’t give legal advice but can perhaps direct you who can). I wish you luck and I hope you can find self care time too.
@Irene, you and I are the same age. In general it is harder to caregive as we get older. Most likely your son will not be allowed to look at the audience in the courtroom so try not to worry about that. I hope you can speak to your son’s lawyer and I hope your son will get back on his meds.
I thank God that my daughter now has a stable good paying housekeeper job and she helps pay the bills. She remembers her own “crazy years” as she calls them now, and understands what a rough time my husband (her step-father) and I had when she was psychotic. She still hears voices, but the super mean loud ones are gone. No one would know she has a severe mental illness anymore. I am extremely grateful she went to jail and hospital and stayed on her court ordered meds. Although I felt like a traitor to her at the time every time I called police or testified against her, it was the right path to take. I was soooooo anti-meds when my daughter’s illness started, but am now very pro-medication for those who cannot control themselves due to the illness.
It is so good to hear positive stories like your daughters. So wonderful that she got her life back and is able to be a functioning part of society and a wonderful daughter to live with. I also was anti med, I thought the natural way was better. Now I am like bring those meds on. Meds are their lifeline and no one no truly knows that until you have lived this journey. Tomorrow is his court date. Also, he tried to get into his payee account last month, and they closed the acct up at the bank so now I have to get to the SS office and try to straighten that out. Uggg I am not sure if he even gets SS in jail, but hopefully the mental health courts will get him into a hospital soon, so that is another mess to straighten out. Have a peaceful day and we all need to practice some self care today.
While many counties have mental health courts - they are very difficult to find. The larger the county the more likely there is as mental health court, but you will have to work to find it. In smaller counties the regular judges handle the mental health cases. Your lawyer has to formally request a change to the mental health court.
When my brother had his extreme bipolar episode, even his lawyer was unaware of the mental health court in his county. I had to call their courthouse several times to track down the information. From my understanding, your lawyer has to petition for a case to be switched to a mental health court.
A mental health court is what you would think it would be. Our family members’ cases are dealt with by a judge who takes into consideration the disorder that makes our family members’ lives more of a struggle.
When my friend’s daughter attempted to kill her, the daughter’s case was accepted by the mental health court. The judge offered their daughter the choice of incarceration in the jail system or take meds in a mental health institution. The daughter chose jail. The judge had her brought back before the bench (I don’t remember the details on how long it was between her court appearances) and the same choice was repeated. Eventually, she chose to be medicated in a mental health facility and was transferred.
Many states are expanding their mental health courts while other states are reducing them. As you can imagine, they are controversial as some people see them as systems that help criminals avoid punishment.
My friend’s daughter was in Wisconsin. Another friend reported that Bexar County in Texas has a mental health court system that is growing stronger. The friend was present in the court room when a judge addressed a woman living with schizophrenia and addiction issues who was refusing to participate in “forced meds”. Previously the woman had a baby taken away in Bexar County, afterwards she left the state to have another baby. She ended up back in Bexar County and the judge told her, “In Bexar County we don’t return babies to mentally ill people who aren’t on medication”.
Irene, I hope you had a chance to talk to your son’s lawyer. I live in Florida and we do have mental health court but my son refused that option. It looks like because his charges were lowered to misdemeanors the judge and lawyer can’t get him help. So whenever they release him he’ll be homeless and psychotic in a wheelchair- he can’t take care of himself in this condition- like you I’m afraid of him- he never tried to hurt me but he attacked his neighbors unprovoked. My son has another hearing in December- I do talk to the jail social worker every couple of weeks but nothing changes/ I’ve talked to his lawyers and they say nothing they can do/ like you I tried to get him help many times before he ended up in jail. But it didn’t happen or help stop this inevitable tragedy/ I’m 68 and have my own health issues- I can’t take care of him when he refuses to care for himself/ take care.
I am so nervous for the court hearing today. It feels so unjust that our sons are in jail not hospital. But so much is out of our control and we have to try to stay healthy if possible. We need to take care of ourselves too. I am 67 and it gets harder as we age. I am not as resilient. Take care and hope your day has some moments of joy. .
Thanks hope, your post has very helpful info. In lake county Illinois we do have mental health courts and my lawyer’s wife is a mental health judge. I was recommended him from a friend whose son works for the state’s attorney here. I get the feeling my son will refuse to go to mental health courts , because he is so afraid of meds and stubborn. But hopefully I am wrong This is a nerve wracking morning for me. I feel such fear and sadness, but you know the game, we just have to go on. Take care
