I don’t know what to do my daughter is getting more violent all the time. Some days I think it would be better to not have to deal with it anymore. I knew my daughter was different from others most of her life. But I didn’t know or want to admit that we/she needed help. I make her ride in the back seat so I can get out of the car with out her crabbing my hair and scratching me. The last time I almost called the police but I am so afraid of what would happen to her.
She has me so tied up in the head that, I feel so horrible and wrong that all this has happened and she blaims me for it all. And maybe I am to blame. I have never been the strong person to hit things head on and take care of problems. I always just get to overwhelmed and try and hide by sleeping. I know this is eclectic and I am just writing to get some things off my chest.
I wish I had somone to hold my hand through this and to let me cry on their shoulder till I can’t anymore. I wish there was a system in place to let you know what the right thing to do is and lead you through it. Its seems that the system is so uncaring of families and just wants you to dump them off and forget about them. Right now my daughter says if she catches me call the police or the hospital she will kill me. And believe me when I say I am not so worried what will happen to me but what will happen to her.
She is draining me every ounce of life I have. Talking to her is like running around in circles and make my head hurt and feel lifeless after. I don’t know what to do but I do not want the system to lock her away somewhere. I am afraid if she goes back to the hospital this will happen. Please I would appreciate some kindness, some tough love and direction from all of you.
@ttt1, I understand and hear you. When you said your daughter is draining you of life—I can relate to that so much. I don’t have any fixes for you but just wanted to say that I hear you and you’re not alone. This is truly the WORST disease. There is just nothing we can do 
You are in a seriously dangerous situation. Can you make an appointment with a therapist or your doctor?
Thank you for replying KBella, hope.
Yesterday I called the please and nothing happened. She of coarse was calm when they came but would not talk to them. She had pushed me around some and other things. I asked the police if I told them she hit me what would happen and they told me straight up she would be taken to jail. He said it was not fair to do that because he understood it was the disease not her but that is the way the system is set up. So I said nothing happened. The police were nice and talked to her which helped for a few hrs. They are a mental health unit, but unless she agrees to go to the hospital their hands were tied.
He told me to get her committed which I have done in the past but now I have no one to go with because it take 2 to sign and I don’t have anyone anymore.
He said I could get a hold of someone to evaluate her at home at that person could sign for me.
But there you go again when they are committed through the court they treat them no better than a prisoner. Like last time
But last time things did get a little better but she was so hurt by them emotionally that now I believe she has PTSD from being in the hospital she is crazy scared of having to go back. She has it in her head if she goes back to the hospital they will kill her.
On top of all this my cat is dying he has been the only one their for me through all of this he is like my best friend. I can’t even trust her to take care of him while I am at work. I have been working with the vet and he is not getting better. If only I could put her in a box and take her to get treated. Of course he is about as bad to get him to take the meds. I don’t know if part of him getting sick is stress. He hides all the time till he hears me get in bed at night and then he comes out.
Again thank you and please still talk to me it helps. No one really understands and you tell someone that my daughter threatens be all the time there first thing is to say call the cops. They don’t understand I don’t even know at this point when she says that if she is talking to me or one of her voices. She will have voile nt sounding conversation with herself all the time. It s unbelievable to hear. And uncomprehendable for me to understand there is no understanding, I used to be able to calm her down and talk a little sense into her now there is no such thing…
I feel like I am in a hole and it is just getting deeper, down the rabbit hole.
Then I tell myself I am not the issue and stop thinking of myself it not about me its about her. I wish I could step back and have no feelings and just do what needs to be done for her. Why can’t i do that, why do I keep thinking of how this make me feel. Am I just that selfish and I also think I must be a horrible person to have had this happen to my family and you always get what you deserve. I mush be the worst person ever.
And I know it could be worse, but please dont’ let that happen.
Take care of yourself/ remember we didn’t cause it, can’t cure it and can’t control it- it’s ok to set boundaries for yourself-you don’t have to tolerate threats of violence- I don’t know how old your daughter is but I learned that all my love and care for him did not stop the train wreck of his life- I’m focused on taking care of myself and praying for his highest and best good- I can’t do for him what he won’t do for himself/
No you are not the worst person in the world ,
And nobody deserves to get this disease!
( Why can’t I just do what needs to be done ?)
Wouldn’t that be great if it would work, there wouldn’t be so many of us here looking for answers.
Your a mom not a psychologist or clinician, so I think it’s perfectly natural to keep going back and forth in your own mind .
I know I do it as a sibling and certainly seen my parents do it as well.
I can completely relate to the PTSD rages your dear daughter is going through my sibling has done the same
I feel as though my Dad could have written much of this .
The trauma this sz has caused for my sibling in and out of the hospital jail behavioral units homeless have definitely caused PTSD .
I’ve found myself in the position of wanting to call for a welfare check for my sibling many times but resided to waiting it out as to not cause more of a trigger especially if I thought there was nothing authorities could do , I know that alone sounds crazy but I think many can relate to this scenario.
I just want to say I hear you , I’m sending a virtual hug ,
I’m sorry about your cat 
And remember when things feel so out of your control reach for what is in your control what can you do for you
What can you take back for yourself.
Thank you, so much. megmeg. I have to find that thing for myself, being at work helps a little, weird actually wanting to be here. But its not chaotic, feels calm. Thank you again for everything you said.
Thank you, I copied what you said and put it on my computer so I can read it. Carlie
I totally feel what you are going thru, it is so terrible because you feel so helpless, the police and mental health crisis units had no answers because my son wouldn t speak to them the numerous times I called. My son would also yell to himself and talk violent to his voices. It was unbelievable to hear. was always very scared of him and never went near him without pepper spray and a plan to run if I had to. I also felt guilty and blamed myself for his disease. I have to keep telling myself that it was a random thing that he got this horrible illness. I did nothing to cause it, I only helped him and gave him love and understanding. He didn’t t take his meds and refused to get help and now he has been in isolation in jail for last 3 months. I don t even want to think about the PTSD he will have whenever he gets out. Please remember you are the only one helping her and do not feel it is your fault. Also you should not live in fear, as I did for over a decade, that your daughter will hurt you. But I know easier said than done as there is no help if they don t want to help themselves. I pray that something happens and your daughter will get some help. You are a wonderful mom, you are still helping her after all this. Take care of yourself and prayers and hugs. Hope everyone has a peaceful day.
This is awful and this is not an unusual reaction to living with the stress of your situation. In the Family to Family class we attended this was how the parents felt before they were killed by their son. The mom told us she would sit in her car a few blocks from her home and wonder if she was going to die today. She left a long letter by her bedside in preparation of their death.
I was angry at those poor dead parents for a long time. Eventually I read a book by a mom who had been in the same situation and survived. She wrote about how she and her husband gradually became powerless to take any sort of action to help their son. She said they would sit, stunned at their kitchen table while the angry madness swirled around them. They felt powerless and hopeless - as though they were hanging suspended over an open chasm and unable to move.
The son of the parents in our class still sits in a forensic prison. I feel so badly for him, he killed his parents in a psychotic episode and now there is no one for him. They too believed that they could not stand to have him in jail and that is why they never called for help.
The things we have to know about this world are beyond understanding at times.
Hi ttt1,
Where in the world are you? If you are in the US, which state are you in, please?
I am so sorry and I sympathize deeply with you. My son with schizoaffective disorder is unrecognizable to me now. So angry, abusive and sure that his parents are the biggest cause of his troubles. We feel so sad because the universe has dealt people like your daughter and my son an unfair amount of suffering, and yes, it feels lonely trying to figure out all by ourselves if there is a place for them in the world where they can be safe and live a life of dignity.
My husband and I have done all we can and exercised great patience and expended as much money as we can afford to help him. Some people don’t feel good whether they’re on meds or not, and our son has chosen to not take them. He will probably be kicked out of his living place soon, but we can’t consider having him live with us as our life force would be drained and we would not be able to be an uplifting influence to anyone-besides, he doesn’t want our help or to live with us.
It is Not your fault. It’s nobodies fault. My advice is to not confuse self care with being self centered. Please take care of yourself!
I suggest looking for a therapist who’s covered by your insurance. I had no idea I could see a therapist with a $30 copay until I looked into it the other day. I scheduled sessions with two different psychologists next week. I figure they should be able to help my hubby and I navigate this situation better than us by ourselves, and I’m sure they may know of options and courses of action that we are not aware of. Wishing you peace.
My son also has schizoeffective and is also unrecognizable to me. He did not take his meds for at least 6 months and has been in jail for last 3 months. He is in solitary and has to wear handcuffs when he gets an hour out of solitary because he attacked a guard and then kicked a sprinkler. He was tasered and he said he is all bruised. It is so sad, before this I used to take care of him in a place I provided near me and my husband. But he got worse and worse, stealing and attacking my husband, burglary, I never thought it would come to this. Very heartbreaking as I know he is very sick and should be getting treatment in hospital not jail. The amount of suffering these poor souls endure is just devastating. I pray one day there will be a place for them where they can find calmness and some joy. But that doesn’t seem possible, but keep hoping. Good you are seeing therapist, maybe they will have some ideas.
What about family therapy with you and your daughter? If she can hear how her behavior hurts you and can get her feelings out, and maybe with some wise advice from the therapist, maybe things will get better. She might refuse to go, in that case you’ll have to go alone and continue to emphasize that it will make things better for everyone. Don’t forget the techniques in
I Am Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help! How to Help Someone Accept Treatment
I think I will reread some of the books I have and look into getting a therapist a family therapist would be awesome. My daughter has waist length hair and she will not brush it and she will take a bath every once in a while and change clothes once or twice a month, but she is always wanting to go places (shopping) which I can’t afford. but I will say only if you take a bath, comb your hair and put on clean clothes. Is that unreasonable or should I say the heck with it and just start taking her places even though she smells and her hair looks like a witch. I know this is not as important as most things but her cleanliness is lacking and its a just another thing that goes along with her and this illness. Is it lack of caring about herself?
You know how you can have 10 to 20 bad days and the you get a good day, honestly I am glad for that but it switches so abruptly and make you think maybe its not as bad as I think it is. Sometime I think she does know when she has pushed me to much and to far because she will be nicer or she will leave me alone for a while.
I get so bitchy at her sometimes I think about what I have said and it makes me sick of myself. I have always tried to be supportive and say good job and be positive to her. But I have actually been so not me lately I am disappointed in my behavior and the way I dealing with her negativity. I am treating her emotionally the way she treats me, not as bad but, I have told her she is crazy and needs to be on medication. I told her its easier to give the cat medication than to get her on medication.
She says she will not take medication for anyone and she means, she will not take medication for the voices/ghost/entities she believe are haunting her, taking control of her. I think she knows the meds will help with this and that is partly why she doesn’t want to take the meds. She like the voices???
By the way we live in Iowa.
I was watching this little video tonight and I kind of thought of your post I found a lot of the tips here helpful and I may try some of this with my own sibling anyways maybe some of this will be of help to you
Your daughter reminds me of my son before he went off the deep end completely and ended up in jail. Terrible hygiene, a huge head of wild curly hair, knotted up and never combed it, and really smelly, very few showers. I would take him out like that and I felt people would stare but at times he would have a good day and be very friendly when we went out. He was somewhat taking his meds then, everything went really crazier when he threw his meds down the toilet one day in April 2024. How old is your daughter, my son is almost 30,so sad about his currant situation. I used to see him about every day, and he would call me sometimes 30 times a day. It was so draining and exausting. I think they do enjoy the manic high they get from their voices. Take care
Hi, if your daughter is over 18 years old go to your local court office and file to have her evicted. It is the only way to ensure your safety. We had to do this with our son who is 31 and non medicated. He put his hands on my wife a month ago and i kicked him out of the house then we went and filed eviction papers. Waiting on a court date. He lives out of his car. He had to come back home last friday because the police pulled him over and told him he had a suspended license. We had to drive 3 hours round trip to pick him and his car up and drive him back to the house where he has been for since but still sleeping in his car here in town until we can get his license unspended and he can take off to another state again. Totally frustrating but in the end it is all out of our hands. We have ZERO control over his situation and can only take things day by day and get on with our lives. I hope the best for you and your daughter.
This weekend Saturday morning about 1 am my cat passed away, I had it planned to call a place to have him cremated and the urn brought back to us. But after he died my daughter refused he was dead and would not let him go. While he was passing he bit me in the finger. So on Saturday afternoon I kept trying to get her to let go of the cat but she would not and my finger swelled up so I had to go to hospital, got meds for infection. I could not longer deal with things so I slept out in my car that night. On Sunday it was just as bad. I called the police to help me with her and even thought they thought she should go to hospital. They called in a health team and they thought she should go of course nothing happened. I am at work today with no time to take off and my daughter is at home with a dead cat in her arms. All I smell today is my dead cat. I am having vomiting and diarea from antibiotic and I need to talk to someone so hear I am again.