I accidentally just started a new topic that I had been working on months ago about which is the best state for mental health. But so much has happened since I started to write that topic that it is not as important to me, but it might be to others.
My daughter is in the hospital again. This is the 5th or 6th time since October when she ran away on foot in the middle of Hurricane Matthew. The time before this one, she was arrested in the hospital for throwing a cell phone at the nurse. I left her there for 10 days - thought maybe this would work with her drug addiction problems. I got her out at Christmas with her promise to take her meds, be nicer to me and not do drugs. She said she trusted me now since I was willing to get her out of jail. That lasted about a week.
Fri. night I woke up to find her half naked with blood all over her and everything else in her room. She cuts on herself and calls them tattoos. She cut her leg with a utility knife - about 10 inches but 1 in was deeper and she would not go to the hospital to get it checked. She was out of it with dxm and alcohol. The wound would not stop bleeding so I took her to her doctor Sat. morning. I had hoped the doc would send her to the hospital because she had hurt herself and was still out of her mind. She was still out of her mind on Sunday. During all this time she was talking non-stop to me belittling me, cursing me and accusing me of heinous sexual acts with animals. Again she told me she was possessed. If she was not talking in a loud voice she was screaming and raging or singing sick songs at the top of her voice. This goes on hour after hour. I am being tortured, but couldn’t get help from the magistrate because it was verbal not physical. It made no difference that a few weeks earlier she beat me in the head with her fist causing three good sized lumps and dug her fingers into my arms so that I was bleeding.
I have had enough. Ten years of hitting my head against the wall to get her help. Then this past year she has become dangerous to me and herself. She gets the best treatment available in this county, but it is not enough and she cusses her counselors and like she says all they do is say “mmmn” to whatever she says.
I haven’t heard from her since she went to the hospital, but I am moving. I can’t live like this. I hear so many of you struggling and giving good advice to each other and I have been such a part of that and thank you. Am I to beat myself up because I can’t take it any more? I think of dying every day and wish for it. I had to get some hope and now I will by moving to a peaceful place. You all probably think I should continue to hold on, but I can’t.
It sounds like you need a break - don’t beat yourself up about it.
We all reach the end of our limits. I’ve told my son before that if he hated living at home so bad we’d have to find a place for him to go. I’ve also been at the point in traffic that the thought would cross my mind for a few seconds that I should drive straight into a semi.
You might feel differently later, or maybe you simply can’t go on with things the way they are - and that’s OK. Maybe that will even mean she’ll eventually get the help she needs if you’re not there to pick up the pieces.
My son has been on two involuntary holds, and while he was very, very ill, he was much better behaved during it all than your daughter. Here, if she saw the same people my son saw, I don’t think there would have been a problem.
However, here, they have something in the law in addition to immediate harm to self or others. He can also be incapable of taking care of himself or protecting himself from harm. For example, if you go out and sit in the middle of the street and won’t move even if there’s traffic, you can be completely quiet, but it could show that you’re not competent to protect yourself from harm.
That’s how they did the holds on my son - he had not threatened anyone else, he was not being abusive to anyone, he was not threatening to harm himself in any way. But, it was obvious he wasn’t eating or sleeping, he could barely get a single thought out, and we was so out of it that the first time they thought he was overdosing on drugs.
For now, you just do what you have to do to keep your own sanity. You never know what the future holds.
Thank you so much. I just needed to hear the words from someone who knows what I’m talking about. I pray that if I’m no longer there for her, she’ll make some better decisions.
It could happen, but either way, you can’t help her if you’re pushed to exhaustion.
Maybe you’ll even be able to help more from a distance and a little clarity.
There are plenty of people who can’t live with their mentally ill children for one reason or another.
Please don’t beat yourself up. Get some help for yourself as soon as you can. You’ve probably heard the saying you can’t help someone else in an airplane that loses pressure until you put on your own oxygen mask first. If you cant breath you’re no help to anyone else.
As parents of sons or daughter’s with this illness we are faced with a problem that can’t really be fixed. It’s a chronic illness. Communicating with the hospital docs and letting them know your plans will help the social workers come up with a realistic discharge plan for your daughter that can include housing. If they know they cant discharge her to you it may force them to keep her in the hospital longer which will serve your daughter better until she’s stable. Hopefully they will also arrange for her to get disability if she isn’t already. When our son was able to get a small place of his own it really helped the family dynamics. It got to the point where I was going to hurt myself, he was going to hurt me or I was going to hurt him. After moving everything got better. He still struggles with SA issues and his place is a mess with lots of terrible food cigarettes ect… but he is independent. We help him a lot but the distance made it better for everyone.
Please remember this illness does not give someone the right to abuse you or another family member. If moving out is your way to survive do it. You have a right to a safe home. We’ve been through hospitalizations and involuntary commitments its heartbreaking but its what needs to happen. Managing an unmediated psychotic person at home is an impossible task.
I can’t tell you the times I planned to move away and leave it all behind…I came so close to doing it on many occasions-my son was also dual diagnosis and a lot of his tales of horror he created I have not spoken of here on this forum because they are in the past for me now —but suffice to say I understand what you are experiencing and it is an unrelenting nightmare until one day it isn’t. There is no room for self blame in this horrendous game. Your feelings are 100% completely valid. We do what we can for as long as we can. You need respite for sure. You need self care. Time to reflect and regroup and seek counsel from someone you trust. From what you have described your daughter needs intensive dual diagnosis in patient care. Perspective is everything. I have to agree with @slw : “You never know what the future holds.” hugs One additional thought is ~~Have you considered having the probate court appoint her a separate legal guardian (not you) to look out for her welfare in your absence? Just a thought. I hope you get the break you need.
I think you’re doing the right thing for yourself. Sometimes you just have to let go until they learn for themselves.
Please do not beat yourself up.
You have reached your limits of strength and patience. We are all limited and we all might make this choice or a similar one some day.
You have done your absolute best. If you look at the statistics, there are people who have bad outcomes with mental illness and drug use exacerbates difficulties.
You did everything you could with the limited resources available to families in which a member has serious mental illness and a drug problem. I know you love your daughter very much and you will always love her, even if you cannot safely be in contact with her for some time.
Everyone on here can relate to those feelings and don’t beat yourself up for being honest how you feel. I I too think it’s wise to tell the caseworker exactly what they can expect. My husband has been so frazzled that he said it was not gonna let them come again. I think when there is violence acted out on the parents it just does something to you internally.
No one knows what the future’s going to hold this might be a good move for your daughter. Try to set up as much support as you can and take care of yourself. If we did not see an ebb and flow with our son we would probably be in your same shoes.
@vscjunk2261. I’m so sorry and no I don’t think you should hold on right now for your daughter. Right now hold on for you and take care of you, I found that when my daughter was doing drugs I could not help her so I distanced myself from her. Please find a way to care for yourself, Do you have support people you can count on to be there with you and for you.
Thank you so much. From prayer and everyone who personally knows my situation, I believe I am doing the right thing. As far as the hospital here in Wayne County, nc, if I say she can’t come home (after one or two days) they tell me they will release her anyway. The first time she walked home. On her papers it said she had schizophrenia and drug abuse yet they let her go anyway. The second time I went round about with the ER doctor (the police took her to the hospital) and they released her in less than 24 hrs! She’s been to that hospital at least 5 or 6 times since Oct. I guess they’re getting tired of her. They did keep her 10 days back in Sept while waiting for placement in a mental hosp., but they never found one for her. The system has failed my daughter. Since my husband died in March, she has been on SS Disability and that provides her with income enough to live in an apartment, but I’ve tried her out in a motel for a week (twice) and by the second day she overdosed and the EMT took her to a hospital in Virginia and then sent her to Richmond for 7 days. The next time was in a cheap motel and the police had to pick her up. They knew her so they took her to the hospital where she threw the phone at the nurse and was taken to jail. All this has happened since September. She has no impulse control. I doubt she would survive in an apt. But her ACT team knows I will not take her back so I hope they will do something. I see you have been through much of the same thing. I can’t stand how I feel about Amanda now. Then I had to put my 12 year old lab to sleep yesterday In less than a year I have lost my home (flooded while we were living in NC for my husband’s chemo - insurance would not pay because it was empty), lost my dear husband, have lost my sweet daughter, and now my precious dog. It’s no wonder that I think about death a lot! I am doing better now that I have a plan. You don’t know how much I appreciate what you have said. Thank you!
Thank you Molly. My husband’s family have pretty much adopted me! I would not be alive if they had not been here for me. You understand the drug situation. Between the drugs and now alcohol, the sz, and the borderline PD, there’s nothing more I can do. I hope your daughter is doing better and I pray mine will find her way.
Thank you so much. I will try to set up as much support as I can. She’s becoming more and more paranoid with her ACT team and several times have made them leave the house. That worries me, but I’ll do what I can.
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. It helped me so much that you all understand. I will continue to pray for you all.
You do the right thing, i think, it so nice to deal with her emotion at that time, i used to do it though sometime we get out of the rule, i’m even buy for her family shirt set for outing
I am a caregiver, guardian and conservator to my son, with Schizophrenia. It gets overwhelming at times, and it seems like the “professionals” can’t always help. We all reach a breaking point. Sounds like you are trying everything you can to help your daughter. She is safe where she is for the time being, so it is time to help yourself. Moving may give you time to fall back and regroup. Gain some fresh perspective on the situation, by removing yourself from it.
One thing I have found out. By removing myself from the situation, it looks like she may receive some long term help. The professionals won’t tell you that until you refuse to take them back into your home.
I have some happy news. I was approved for an apartment at Emerald Isle, NC. It’s furnished beautifully and steps away from the indoor pool and a short walk to the beach. I can have peace and regroup as “dstbny” said.
I finally heard from my daughter. She is in the county hospital and they’re waiting for a bed at Cherry Hospital which deals with addiction and mental illness. When she first called she tried to be sweet and said she missed me and was sorry- the usual situation. But when she found out what I was doing, the anger came out. I understand. Her world as she knows it is changing drastically. I hope someday she can understand and we can be mother and daughter again or at least friends.
That sounds like a good step forward. I’m happy for you and it’s true – she’s getting the help she needs that you can’t give her.
I always wondered what would happen if I said “no” when they asked if my son would be returning home from the hospital.
My fear was they’d just open the door and say “good luck, see ya”.
I think about that same thing @slw For the first 2 or 3 years after he was diagnosed my son never wanted to stay with me he said he wanted to be homeless. He would give long complicated reasons why homelessness was under rated and why he preferred it. He ran away from me a lot, even trying to jump out of my car when it was moving…I had to really be on guard…looking back, I can see how the illness was ruling his behaviors and his thought processes in a very all encompassing kind of way…affecting every nuance. So glad that chapter is a thing of the past.