They can be very manipulative and know what buttons to push. Don’t give in. I’ve been checking out intermediate facilities instead of transitional ones and some have floors that are locked down until they get better.
A lifetime sentence is exactly how my husband and I feel. For us and our son. Retired a year ago and can’t go anywhere.
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Personally, the fact that I can’t retire is the worst point of my daughter’s illness for me (am I being selfish?). I face 40 hrs a week until I die and then hoping what I can put in place will help my daughter after I am gone. I should have retired in Nov '18.
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First so sad you are going through this only you know when you have had enough. Mine too schizoaffective drug addict. I fought to get him on clozapine took 2 years , he was doing real well for a few months then he went back to drugs. I quit him then I knew I had to save me I couldnt save him. It was always so heartwrenching until the evening I choose me! At somepoint they have to choose for themselves. I am happy to say he is doing great now clean almost 4 years and working fulltime. I hope you get there good luck
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50,000 dollars ago he is in the very same place he was then. I’m just broke. I need to leave him in the street and it’s so hard. I worry all the time but at least hes not near enough to try and kill me.
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I am interested to know more about what you consider an “intermediate care facility” and what control you do or do not have to help your loved one get the help he needs. I am very aware that saying “no, you can’t come home” can be, for some, the best way to help their loved one get the help he or she needs, in addition to having some sort of a life for yourself.
Thank you so much for the support. I see I’m not alone on the “backslide”. She’s in the hospital again for the 3rd time in a month and a half. She was very angry with me at first and I was angry with her, too. I had given up on my place at the beach and am staying with her until my new place becomes available. She’s been away this time for over 2 wks. So I’ve had a nice break, but it also makes me think things are not so bad and I can handle it again. Usual for me.
Wow, that was impressive! Good advice. I haven’t had time to write in so long. Currently my daughter is in the hospital again. Before I started this stream, we were planing on moving closer to my home in VA and living together. I had given up my place at the beach and I moved into her apartment and prepare for the move by saving money. It was a good idea because I learned there was no way we can live together. I guess I was just dreaming things would be different. My new apartment will not be ready until May 17. We are planning to be as good to each other as possible until my move happens. I may have to go to motels when things get too bad, but I cannot back down. She still wants me with her. The hospital plans on putting some stipulations on her getting out. She has to be willing to have an ACT team. That will decrease my time taking her to appts, grocery shopping and more. I look forward to that. That will also force her to some rehab. I feel a little encouraged. And thank you so much.
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Thank you. But as you know it will always be a work in progress! Take a few steps at a time.
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She receives disability social security. She recieved SSI until her stepfather died and could draw on his Social Sercurity I am her payee and she is now mentally not able to manage money. I pay all her bills with her money. The drug (dxm) costs only about $3 a box and is legal. She can’t be forced into rehab and she refuses to go. I don’t use my money for anything except I sometimes buy her some groceries because she is a binge eater. She is an adult and I am not her guardian so I don’t feel I can keep her money from her. I like your idea of listening and not responding with my own opinion. Thank you.
So encouraging. Thank you!
Thank you so much. I feel so much support.
I’m trying not to laugh about your badgering statement. “Badgering? Tell her she’s inside your body bubble/space and you don’t like it and to stop. You are her Mother and it is your God Given right to be treated with respect.” Maybe badgering was the wrong word. I don’t know if there is a word. She is delusional, yelling, raging about things that are not true, belittling, screaming and she does this non-stop for hours. I can’t even tell her to stop unless I scream louder than she is doing and that does not stop her. If I walk into another room she follows me. If I go into the bdrm and lock the door she continues yelling, screaming and beating on the door. If I go to the neighbors house, she follows me. The last time this happened I went on a ride and was gone 3 hrs. She called everyone she knew raging that I had abandoned her. She even called 911 and the police came! She threatens to cut off my head and other ways to hurt me. Once she even got physical and beat me in the head. I know I have been an enabler, but this is different. I wrote all this down and talked to my counselor about it. She said it was mental and emotional abuse and I am right to get out of the situation. Unfortunately I can’t get out until May 17 but I am working on ways to not have to be around her so much. I’ll probably have to spend some nights in motels when she gets out of the hospital. You also said , “SHE’S NOT LYING. HER WORDS ARE TRUTH OF INTENT”. Actually the last time she got out of the hospital she was lying in order to get out. She told me she was on the way home. I like your advice about walking away because I am keeping her from maturing. I hope you are right and as mentally disturbed as she is, she can grow away from me.
Hi again vscjunk2261,
It is interesting that you responded to me on this day. It has been an extremely difficult 24 hours for me. My husband reacted poorly to my telling him I was going to be working today (meaning I would not be available to him for nine hours) but that since I hadn’t worked in a while, I wouldn’t be able to send him more money just yet. He yelled and insulted me and said I would regret what I was doing (I was thinking, “Regret what…working?” Doesn’t he know that’s the only way I can afford to send him money?). He started calling the house phone over and over. I had to unplug it. I turned off my cell phone. He called the police to do a welfare check on me and my elderly relative I live with. The police came to our door after we had gone to sleep, waking us up. Then he called the manager and security of the condo over and over throughout the night. When I finally made it to work in the morning, he called there. No authority can do anything because he uses a private number and is thousands of miles away. I feel so fortunate that my supervisor and co-workers are understanding of the situation because job opportunities are few and far between here and if I lost this job, it would not be good.
I know my husband is miserable and afraid, being un-medicated, homeless and without money or friends. This is the greatest pain he has caused me so far, involving everyone around me in a community where I have been trying to establish myself in order for me to make a living and get by.
I sincerely hope your daughter will stick with her plan once she is out of the hospital. You have done so much for her already and it is time you had a break. I, myself, am wrestling with the idea that I am enabling too much and need to back away and let my husband “grow,” as you described with your daughter. Best wishes and keep us posted regarding her progress. 
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It’s so hard but your not alone. So many of us r going through this and our prayers r with u
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Thank you. We have much in common and I hope you are able to remove yourself as much as you can. When we worry about our family member it’s so hard to accept that we can’t help them unless we can back away and take care of ourselves. I admire you for being a wife and continue to care about him. Many wives would just walk away. When my daughter calls me over and over, I just don’t answer or unplug the phone as you do. It makes her more angry, but she’s angry anyway. It’s hard knowing she has no friends and sits around the house. The hospital is planning on getting a community program involved with her to take her to appointments and grocery shopping so I won’t go to her but once a week. I think that will help when she finally gets out of the hospital. Thank you for contacting me again and best wishes to you as well.
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Take care of yourself. I think my stepson with sz was worse while at home. I felt guilty for so many years but not anymore. He refused any help, would steal, lie and when he started putting his cigarettes out on the house I snapped and said no more. I think the longer he was at our house he got worse. He is 33 years old and on his own. It’s a horrible brain disorder and not your fault. It’s hard learning to set boundaries but we parents deserve a life too. I love the advice walk away.
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Thank you for sharing your experience with your son. The hospital has helped me set my boundaries with my daughter. She has been there over 3 wks this time. They are setting up a community team that will counsel her, take her to appointments, and help her get groceries. They will not let her out until everything is in play. Unfortunately my new place will not be available until May 17. I may have to spend some of my savings on expensive extended stay motels. I feel upbeat about my place just 6 miles from a great beach and I am hopeful of the boundries.
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Hi vscjunk2261,
It is encouraging to read that the hospital has helped you and your daughter. You will still be there for your daughter and she will have an extended support team as well as you…all the elements in place for success for her future.
Have you looked into staying at an AirBnB instead of a motel while you wait for your place? Sometimes those are a lot less expensive.
I hope you are feeling a sense of relief and that you feel you are able to handle it now.
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I had never heard of an AirBnB before! Thank you! There are lots of available places here that range from $20 to $35. My daughter is still in the hospital. Over a month this time. They plan to keep her until the community team can be set up which hasn’t been set up yet.