I’ve always felt so guilty and have led a self-destructive life punishing myself. Being the oldest child I should have done more to save my youngest brother from our middle brother who had paranoid sz and was extremely violent and very sick and our mother who had paranoid schizophrenia also. What takes away the guilt?
You can’t have done more than you have done. Children aren’t supposed to take over the parent role. Be angry with society because nobody helped you. You should have gotten more help from social services. Maybe you could be active and do something for kids living in the same situation today.
My dad was very abusive when we grew up. Nobody helped us, I was going to kill him, but I got a chanse to move so I did. My younger sister became a social worker and handles cases where children are abused or neglected.
1 Like
I did want to kill him, but I didn’t know how. I hear about older siblings raising younger ones and I just wonder why I didn’t run away and take my younger brother with me. Some people would have done that, but I didn’t. I admire people who raise their siblings. They have a strength of mind and heart.
You were a child. You can’t blame yourself. What would you have eaten? Where would you have slept? How would you have protected your babybrother from evil ppl on the streets?
Thank you for your kind words! I suppose it’s just that a child is not an adult. I was too scared. I admire selfless people who are heroic.
It’s so cool that your sister became a social worker working with children…she’s a heroine!
Welcome to the forum @sierralupina.
Comatose is so right. You can’t judge the actions of a child for being a child. Sometimes negative things happen and there is nothing that can be done about it. You are here now and you don’t need to carry that guilt with you.
My kid sis is very important to me. I’m the one diagnosed undifferentiated SZ by the way, but my baby sister has always been my sidekick. I tried to protect her from a specific brother in our life, but when I ended up homeless I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t take care of myself, how would I take care of her.
when I got stable and pulled my life together, I feel I’ve done a better job now, but that time, there was no way I could have just taken her and left.
Some guilt just has to fade with time. If your guilty about your younger brother, do you still talk to him? Maybe healing together will help ease that guilt.
It’s not as bad as it was, but I still have moments of consuming guilt for what I’ve done to my kid sisters life. What I’ve put my family through, the person I was. But as I try to be a better and better person, the guilt fades a little.
It’s just a healing process like everything else.
It’s admirable that you protected your sister…you are a good brother! I’ve never even told my brother how guilty I feel and think I will talk to him about it. Thank you!
…for being a child. So true.
Your reaction to the guilt you feel is not uncommon, especially among oldest siblings. Just remember that punishing yourself for something out of your control is not helping anyone. Get on a path to healing yourself. Maybe someday you will want to have children. The best thing you can do for your own innocent children is to love yourself, fix yourself so that you can give them the best life possible. If you don’t forgive yourself, you will take it out on them. If you’re in contact with your younger brother, talk to him, apologize to him but know that you did what you could at the time. And if it helps you now, do what you can to help him now. God bless and I hope you can find strength to heal.
Maybe a healing exercise could be talk gather your siblings that are well and talk about the situation. All of you can vent and decide to put all that away.