YOU ARE NOT FAILING!! He is having food delusions. Whether you provide the money for the food or the food itself he is highly suspicious of it being poisoned one way or another. He will continue to throw it out. He is probably hungry and angry and taking it out on you because you cannot provide what he thinks is safe food. If you think he is getting to the point of actually starving, you might have to involuntarily admit him as a danger to himself. .
I went to a local support group for dementia victims and the absolutely best advice I got was to lower my expectations. When a LO at one time functioned and interacted “normally” it is painful to watch them change in a negative way. We want to fix things and try so hard to do so. Once we realize we cant have the old person back and to appreciate the new one as best we can, our stress level drops and we can become happy. As I said, not blissfully so, but still happy.
I agree. I have a little pity-party every so often, but then try my best to pull myself back to recognizing the current status of my son is okay. Not great, but okay.
I’ve been following your post, thinking about what you are going through. Is there any way to check on your son? I hear you, continually sending him money does not seem to help the problem. And it also sounds like he is having hallucinations and delusions? Are you able to visit him? These are all reasonable questions. Even though a person suffers from MI they are capable of responding without arguments? I would suggest that you try responding to your son very calmly and express that he needs to speak nicely to you or you cannot help him.
Maybe you can send him groceries instead of money? It is so hard to help our loved ones, my heart goes out to you, many times the illness takes over spinning out of control and it’s left to family member to try and deal with all of this, we are just parents doing the best we can. We really need help from professionals. I would seek help from a crisis intervention, some times we just cannot do the right thing and getting outside help may be best for your son.
Just some caring thoughts, AnnieNorCal
This is not so easy. The ladt time I had the police come to take him to the hospital he got tazered and was pretty roughtup. Now he’s been calling my 91 year old mother who lives alone I am worried that he’s going to go over. I think I am going to have a stroke today. He says that people brock in the house copied his key and then malested him
I’m so sorry. My son has been tazed once, he learned after that.
He is certainly delusional and would likely meet admission requirements.
Usually after the fact and all the anxiety, I have been able to realize that my son was in a better, safer place for a while.
Thank you vallpan I broke down and ordered him a pizza sent it to his house he was calling me every 5 minutes I hope he doesn’t throw it out. Maybe this was not the best thing to do
He left in the message that he knows I have lots of money and not to be stingy I can’t believe he would say that I am 66 and would like to retire but I need the money to pay all his stuff.
@Margi I am so sorry your son is putting you through this. You are a SUPER Mom and from your posts I believe you would go to the end of the world and go to extremes to help your son. You are bending over backwards to care for him and trying to get him to be independent (not to mention paying for everything related to the house ) but you need to take care of yourself as well.
I lost my mother to a sudden illness 9 1/2 months ago and am still adjusting to her not being around to visit or talk to. She was 82 and I was 50 at the time. I can’t imagine how your son could disrespect you and talk to you like that and take advantage of you and expect you to keep sending him money. It has brought tears to my eyes reading your posts today thinking of what both you and your son are going through.
As I sit here at the stroke of midnight 12/31/2018 and contemplate what the new year will bring for everyone on this forum I thought I would brainstorm some ideas and send them to you. I don’t know if any will apply to your circumstances, but I am compelled to send you whatever I can come up with.
Can your son have a ? A dog may aid in helping prevent his delusions of people breaking in and tampering with his food.
Can he go to a food bank so that you are not feeling obligated to get him food? Is there a service such as “meals on wheels” available?
Could his food consist of single serving packaging so that he could see that they were not tampered with; such as top-ramen or frozen t.v. dinners?
Could he use canned food so that they could be tamper-resistant, or non perishable food that has a long shelf life. Instead of refrigerated milk maybe powdered milk that he could add bottled water to? Or canned evaporated milk that he could add bottled water to?
You need to set limits for him and yourself.
Do you have any support that could give you a much needed break? Family, friends, church, community service, crisis intervention?
Maybe you could set a budget with a limit for him or make it an allowance? This is your $ and you worked hard for it and need it for your retirement. I realize once a parent always a parent, but he is an ADULT. You are not being stingy. He may be your child, but is not A child.
His delusions are putting his and your welfare at risk. If he can’t care for himself and stop throwing out/wasting food that is grounds for intervention and involuntary hospitalization again.
Is he on meds or could he be put on the injection medication?
Just some thoughts. Please don’t feel like you need to reply to all my suggestions. I hope today is a better day for you.
I totally understand your struggles @Margi to care for your son. You provide so much for him. I wish you the best for yourself and him in this new year.
You do so much for your son. More than I do for my ill daughter. Although, I think perhaps maybe you must start thinking of yourself first, or if not first, at least equally to your son in importance of care. I would hate to believe you are in danger of wasting down your retirement funds for someone who is not able to control his own spending. That is sort of like me and my alcoholic husband. He was such a drain on me last year, but now I rarely give him much money, ever. The arguments we had were large, but are over now.
My ill daughter and I had several arguments over her throwing things away, sometimes her things, sometimes my things (as she lives in my home), and sometimes food I bought or sometimes food she bought. Yes, it was probably improper to make her mad, but I just HAD to stand up for MYSELF at least regarding what I bought for her.
She no longer throws my things away, even when unmedicated, although she still like to throw out her things… I no longer give her as much money as I used to: $200 cash per month is the limit for cash. I provide the food of my choice, take her shopping for food once per week, and that is all.
I suggest you get some time to care for yourself, write a budget, and stick to it. Over-giving doesn’t seem to be helping either you or your son. I wish you the best in sorting this overspending/wasteful actions stuff out.
I think ordering a pizza for delivery is a really good way to meet the need. You are setting the limit on the expenditure, he will have to decide what to do with it.
My son has some strange ideas about money since he became sick - I deal with similar struggles with my son wanting me to give him more than I really feel is reasonable. Its slowly improved since he has stayed on a medication that is helping him - but the holidays - which coincide with his birthday - always tend to get a little stressful with him expecting a certain level, and then being angry and resentful. I THINK we made some progress this year. I told him clearly - “That is not how GIFTS work.” But a few years ago, it would never have sunk in.
Thank you all for your support. I live in toronto canada I don’t think that there are any NAMI support classes here. The last pizza I sent to my sons house he ended putting it in the garbage. He has been calling me every day all day long telling me that he has not eaten in 5 days and is so hungry. I went up to his house it takes more then a hour to get there. I brought him mr greek meal gave him 60.00 dollars and filled up his car with gas. has taken down walls ripped out all the kitchen cabinets put holes in the wall and ceilings. All his clothes are gone even his winter coat. Threw out tv, lap top I bought him a tv ordered cable and internet. Under my name and paid for it monthly now he has thrown out the modum and x box . I will have to cancell my account with Rogers and pay for the modum and box. His house is like sitting in an empty room the house is completely empty everything is in the yard I think people have been looking through everything. I also bought him a car he has dismantled it. He said they come in the house every night to molest him drain his blood. The home invasion are contaminating everything. I’m feeling sick just writing this. I can’t eat or sleep just can’t cope anymore.
Margi, this is just awful. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This is such a terrible disease.
He’s a “danger to himself”, in need of police/medical intervention.
You didn’t cause this. You can’t fix this.
If/when you call the police, remember to say “this is a mental health related emergency”, so they send trained personnel and are prepared.
@Margi, omg I’m so sorry. It sounds like he’s in the midst of a bad episode. He needs medical help, I’m afraid, in the state of mind he’s in, he may hurt someone especially if he thinks people are out to “get him”. If he hurts someone, we are talking about a whole different animal, with the police and legal system involved. This is something that he (nor you) DOES NOT NEED.
Please see if you can drive him to Hospital, if he’s not willing, I know what i would do. I would call the crisis intervention people, they would help you with involuntary commitment.
I’m also assuming he’s not taking any meds, or if he was taking them, he stopped.
Certain passages of what your son is doing strikes a chord with me because it’s reminiscent of what my son did, ( throwing out all electronics, throwing away the things he enjoyed, putting holes in drywall, etc. )
IT WAS PURE HELL.
He had to be hospitalized for 3 weeks after this.
I’m just hoping to God something can be done for your son soon.
We all agree,your son needs help. I hope you call the authorities and insist on intervention, either through th police or you can take him to the ER. Tell your son something he will believe, like we need to have your blood checked, make sure everything is okay. Inform the hospital that you are coming so they can be prepared to handle the situation.
Praying for you and your son, AnnieNorCal
This is all happening because that lawyer he got had the CTO revoked. He will not go to any doctor or hospital because he thinks they want to kill him, I did call the crisis people they said they can’t do anything I should call the police to do a welness check. He will not let them in the house because there involved with the home invasion. He has been put in the hospital 3 times before with a court order the problem is that he’s in a different city and not staying at my house. He was on invega injections and was doing quite well till he found that lawyer and had it revoked because the doctor didn’t give him the sighned paper. He gets pretty angry when he doesn’t get what he wants.
I am also weighing in to encourage you to do what it takes to get your son into treatment. When things reach this pitch, there is little hope of improvement without intervention.
@Margi, so often we become slaves to our MI loved one, and try to appease them no matter the price, and understandably so. We love them.
But if you have tried every avenue and recourse and they are blocked either by your loved one with MI, or the system, sometimes all we can do is let the chips fall where they may. All we have is hope and prayer that in the end, things will work out ok.
Thinking so hard about you and your son and wishing for the best possible outcome.
Sounds like my son…similar delusions. I try writing to Congress and Senators- governor. Just wrote to new head of samhsa to explain we need new laws so our loved ones can get committed to hospital when they are delusional- not when they are an imminent danger. They also need long term caee places to give caregivers a break and a life yet know our loved ones are well cared for and not abused or homeless.
Yes we need more long term care facilities. There are cancer centers, lung centers, heartcare centers, why not long term care centers for brain dysfunction?
Many times our MI loved ones are left to us @ our mercy and our heartbreak. Truly a messed up world we live in
This system goes against the family who only wants to help there children. This puts a great deal of stress and arguments within the family. I know for myself I don’t think that I will get threw this. My son was the kindest lovable person and would help anyone . We have always been very close but now he doesn’t trust me,