It never ends


#1

It has been almost 2 years since my son took his life - at our house - and died in our arms - though the ICU unit will say it happened in the hospital.

I remember all the angst, worry, grief, pain and fear while he was alive. I remember the unending sadness, watching my son suffer. A mother in Robert Whitaker’s book “Anatomy of an Epidemic” said, after her son died, “His death I can get over. It’s his life that I can’t.” Though I probably paraphrased it incorrectly - but I think everyone understands.

Well, the first year is full of numbness and relief. Relief that his suffering is over. Numbness because you still can’t believe it’s true. But the second year… Well, you wake up. And the images become stronger and stronger. The memories of the suffering, his “non-life”. The guilt. The mistakes we made. The idiots we listened to when we should have listened to our intuition,

I thought I was depressed while he was living. It’s nothing compared to the depression after his death. While he was alive there was Hope. But now, even the Hope is dead.

I struggle to function every day. I often think, this is what he must have felt like every day. And then more memories flood back of his suffering, Truly, there is nothing worse than having to watch your child suffer.

The pain doesn’t stop when they’re gone. The only thing that makes life bearable is that he is in a place of joy. Now, my task is to replace the sadness with memories of good times. Sometimes it is an uphill battle.

I feel for all of you. So hard. Unending. Just remember to cherish the fleeting moments when your son/daughter is happy or content - and never give up hope.


#2

This is sad and Im so sorry for your loss. Very true about watching your child suffer-its the worst! There are some bright moments. I hold on to these and try to remember during a bad day. Bless you*


#3

So sorry you lost your son…you did the best you could at that time…my heart goes out to you.


#4

Hi Alcyone - I remember you from the old site and glad you are checking in. I have thought of you and your lost son from time to time and wondered how you are doing. (I was Coop on the old site).

They say time heals all and I hope that will be true for you.

Most of us are still here battling away, lots of ups and downs, and like you say we have to appreciate the good times.

Take Care


#5

This is all very foreign sounding to me, a parent that cares that is.

There should be no relief, death is only icing on the cake to this awful thing we call life, the worst end to a bad thing.

I could never feel relief about my own child’s awful life and awful death, i could only feel relief if they awoke and then had a good life.

You hear alot about great parents online for some reason, but in every day life you never run into any for some reason.


#6

Hi Alcyone.
So very sorry to hear about your loss of your son…prayers out to you!


#7

I have not forgotten and have continued to think of you and your son.

Your post reminds me to try to concentrate on those transient moments that make me smile despite my son’s catastrophic illness.

You did the best that you could. I hope that you can find strength from your other loved ones.