I am an 18 year old college student. My father died two years ago on Valentines Day, and even though his passing isn’t recent it still is one of the hardest thing I have ever had to cope with. I suffer and struggle daily with guilt, shame, embarrassment, and anger. I loved my father and miss him so much but I also struggle with being so angry and hurt by him. For most of his adult life he knew that he was a diagnosed schizophrenic and he refused treatment and help. Instead turning to drugs and alcohol to self diagnose, he had even been civilly committed twice and both times refused treatment and left prematurely AMA. He refused to go to therapy or counseling or to talk about the trauma and abuse he suffered from his childhood. Abuse was a cycle that unfortunately he himself was unable to ever overcome. So long story short, I suffer from guilt for being angry at a dead person and from guilt over not being able to let go of the past. I also miss him and I miss the dysfunction that accompanied my dad, having him here is better than not and I mourn that he will never be able to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, the fact he’ll never know my future children his future grandchildren, I mourn that he couldn’t see my high school graduation and he’ll never get to see me walk across the stage when I graduate college.
hugs to you
i don’t believe in death…it is a doorway to another experience.
your father would not want you to suffer due to his lack of parenting…due to his illness.
he would be proud of you…
congrats in being in college.
it is okay to be angry…to miss him…to want him to be there for those special moments.
remember to be kind to yourself.
As for death in the family, I lost a younger sibling in 2014 to suicide. It was extremely stressful.
I can’t relate to carrying about fathers, as the ones I had in my life never cared for me. I struggled with a beast load of hardship due to their actions. I actually could have had a peacable life, relatively free of all the stress & suffering, but no - those men became burdens to my own manhood.
To each his own, I say. Every man’s gotta learn to raise himself. I liked Jesus’ statement on fathers: Call no man your Father, for you have One God & Father.
I feel like my father’s death was a suicide. The official COD was heart failure but he had been heavily using drugs and I believe that his drug use and overdose history is what caused his heart to weaken and eventually just not be able to properly function. My father from a young age had tried to commit suicide multiple times, I remember once when I was little he made me memorize our address and home phone number while he locked himself in the running car in the garage.
Dear samsoon, I am sorry for your loss.
My mother died by her own actions during a psychotic episode when I was a teenager (two of your lifetimes ago). It was extremely difficult.
The loss of your father would be painful no matter what. The loss is complicated by his untreated mental illness. When I went back in time, as per advice I have been given, to try to separate the person from the illness, I realized that I had not spent very much time with my mother when she was not ill. The anger will go away eventually; it’s a stage of grief that lasts longer in these types of deaths.
When you find good memories, hold them close.
Because of the circumstances of my mother’s death, I was the only person in my family who mourned in traditional ways. It seems good you are thinking of him and understanding in yourself what you will miss, when, and why. You are honoring his memory.
The bad times were most of the time for us and it took a long time for me to reach acceptance.
My heart goes out to you. I am sorry for your father’s passing. 2 years is not a long time. My husbands father died before we were married. He still feels sad about that and it was over 30 years ago. Your father understands how you feel. You are mad at the illness more than him. I believe he is in a wonderful place and he is cured of all these things that plagued him. You will see him again one day and I believe he is with you in spirit.
Brain Disorders and addictions are illnesses just like cancer or diabetes. They suck i hate them. I am sorry for those of us who suffer or suffer with our loved ones. Get some help for yourself you have been through a lot. I really admire your strength. Take care