It’s me again, just looking for somewhere to share my thoughts. I usually shy away from doing it here very often because everyone or most everyone is enduring such stressful crisis’s, the kind I can still remember very well, that I just don’t feel right talking about small mundane things that are easily manageable for me and yet sometimes puzzling.
Still, even to this day I have no one to talk to about anything of intrinsic or emotional significance accept my therapist. Partly it’s that way because I have spent decades on my son(s) welfare and no time growing personal friendships. The only friends left that I can count on live very far away and I have known them for 35 and 45 years respectively, those kind of friends are a ‘horse of a different color’-precious beyond words and yet require no maintenance…or very little. Still I don’t share these things with them either, they know what I am doing and if i really needed them for some reason, I am sure they would do what they could. I just can’t.
Some time ago I mentioned I finally turned several responsibilities over to my son. Simple things that he had a lot of trouble accomplishing at all while ill. I turned over everything to do with his own meds and he handles that very well. The other thing was making coffee, I know that sounds so easy and simple but for a person with disorganized schizophrenia, even a recovering person, things still get disorganized, just not as often. About the coffee though, I use to manage cleaning the pot, making sure he didn’t run out of supplies etc…and when he took over he seemed to have it all under control-or so I thought.
Then yesterday he brings me the coffee maker and shows me brown and white slime growing inside of it, it was so utterly disgusting. I never saw it that bad before and then I remembered we have just moved and it had not been thoroughly cleaned in about 2 months because of all the upheaval and apparently the water here is extremely hard and we no longer have a sink water filter we just have a filtered pitcher in the fridge. SO. My son’s first instinct was panic and let’s throw this away. I said no no…it is fixable. It needs thoroughly cleaned. So I took him through the steps and he watched me closely. I scrubbed the inside with white vinegar and hot water and everything came off. Then I ran white vinegar through it a few times and clear water after and scrubbed the carafe with baking soda and salt and when all was said and done the machine looked totally brand new. My son was so pleased. I think he will do it himself next week. I told him to do this weekly and to only make his coffee with filtered water from now on.
Small event-- I know but inside myself I felt devastated, but I never let on. I was thinking how long has he been drinking slime coffee? Why didn’t he see it earlier? Why did I not check on it before it got bad? How is he not sick? On and on and on and then in the back of mind I am thinking why are you making such a mountain out of this!? I didn’t have any answer. I am just glad I see my therapist Monday. It was not a situation worthy of a sleepless night or two or a whole bunch of mental stress and yet that seems to STILL be my default mode long LONG after the real crisis has passed.
Then I also mentioned that with the move and after 35 years of my son naturally sleeping an extraordinary amount of time and always sleeping from around 3 am to 1 pm every day since infancy. He suddenly started going to be around 11 pm and getting up before 10 am, more like my schedule although I am often up by 7 or 8. Still this whole change I am in complete support of but it is weirdly freaking me out, forgive me but I witnessed my son on one seemingly unshakable schedule for over 3 decades, I tried several alarms of different types, loud noises, cold water, yelling, shaking, rolling him out of bed, so many many things and NEVER could I get him to stir or wake up before 1 or 2 pm on any given day. No amount of berating or consequences ever spurred him to go to bed earlier than 2 or 3 am in all those many years and now, it is so completely 100% different, and so almost “unreal”.
He doesn’t even use an alarm clock anymore and he is often up before me. Sometimes he seems to close his eyes awhile after he takes his meds-while sitting in his chair, and jokingly says he is awake but he is inspecting his eyelids…lol —but around noon, he’s like where are we going today mom? what do we have to do? he’s ready to go and get busy…I feel like I need time to catch up (in a way). This is so amazing (in my world at least) but also for me- surreal. Hard to understand how a change like this can spontaneously happen.
Such is little things these days…nothing dramatic or earthshaking save for what my brain wants me to believe.
Hugs to all of you (if I could) thanks for being here for even the little things.