This life of caring for someone with SZ sucks to put it plain and simple! My husband was diagnosed 4.5 years ago and has been in and out of institutions every six months, 4 Times in the last year alone and arrested as well. It’s been an eventful 365 days to say the least. Nothing seems to keep him stable. Along with this is this feeling of isolation and loneliness not only for him but for me as well!
Looking back, long before he was diagnosed we never really had friends…he never seemed like he wanted to be outside of our family which in turn made me the same way…it was always just the 3 of us: me, him and our son. Even my son is isolated! My son plays his games online and he has a lot of friends he plays with and I guess that is his social outlet. In all fairness, anywhere we ever lived there were no children his age for him to play with so it made it hard for him to have a social life outside of home.
I’ve been having this push-pull struggle in my mind as to whether I want to keep going down this road as it seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel. The definition of “the light” for me is him staying stable for longer than a month at a time which doesn’t seem like it is in reach! I have done everything for him that I can and now I just feel empty inside. He is in the hospital now and of course doing better because he is in a structured setting but when he comes home, he’ll be right back where he started. And because of this I feel isolated…lonely because I am not married to the same man I have been with all this time. That guy disappeared 4.5 years ago and I get a brief glimpse of him once in a blue moon and that is it. He doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything that involves socializing, he just wants to stay isolated.
My father was diagnosed with SZ a few years after a bad accident he had when I was a kid and I saw my mother go through the same thing I am going through now except she was a lot stronger than me or so she portrayed…I’m definitely sure she had her moments, she just didn’t let her children see it! I’m turning 50 next month and I have been asking myself If I can do this another 25-30 years. I know this sounds selfish but I am so tired of dealing with being the enemy, being ignored, being told “I don’t know what I am talking about” when I question him about his meds while he is slipping into psychosis…the list goes on as I’m sure all of you experience the same thing on a daily basis!