Looking for advice. baby to schiz father and general support


#1

Hi,

I’ve been browsing these forums and its wonderful to read all the info provided, its been really helpful in my understanding of the illness.

Forgive me as this will be along and rambling post as I try to share where i am at.

I am a mum to 4 kids, my first 3 to one father and my youngest to another father. BOTH fathers have schizophrenia. Father 1 was drug induced back when he was 21 years old (now 39) and he had 2 stints in a psych ward and has been off meds since he was 23 but seems to cope fine. He lives a life with reduced stress and generally no one would ever know he has schizophrenia as he seems to have recovered well. He has a good relationship with our 3 kids, having them every second weekend (ages 9,11 and 14) he has some traits that I can see but nothing for any cause of alarm.

Now father 2, is not so good. Diagnosed at age 30 (now 42) We were together for a bit over 2 years. our relationship started and moved insanely fast now I look back. He was very clingy from day one but also very passionate and we had many things in common and we fell in love.
We were living together within a few months and expecting a child soon after, that child is now just turned 1 year old.

I noticed during my pregnancy that things started to change a bit for him, he became more paranoid than usual, constantly checking my phone and emails and facebook, usually at night when I was sleeping. Then he would question me on the littlest things he could findin those messages. This ofcouse caused conflict. He became more possesive and clingy about me being out or with friends also.
He is a drinker and the more he drank or if he got quite drunk he would not be a very nice person. (never violent)
I noticed that with all the stories he was telling me about his life and upbringing and experiences etc that things didnt seem to match up, or make sense. He was sure his ex wife had drugged him a few times, he always carried on about how his ex wife was trying to get him or cause him harm. He believed it so much that I believed it too!

Then after our son was born I noticed a bigger change. and things have gone slowly down hill ever since. He was working shift work and far too many hours, not getting near enough sleep and felt lost at home. i would often come home and find him just sitting staring at the floor or straight ahead. He would cry a lot and was very clingy, he always needed me to touch him (if we were out or sitting at home or anything, he insisted i be touching him with a part of me)
He was obsessed with sex and had a very high sex drive wanting sex 2-3 times a day every day and anything less would leave him unhappy or unloved. (is this common?)
He wouldnt be nurturing with our baby son, he would do things with him sometimes, like a bath or nappy or as he got bigger, played with him somewhat but never nurturing, never cuddled or held etc.
He became jealous of our son 'he gets all your cuddles now, you’ll give your breast but wont give them to me’
He had a great relationship with my middle daughter but other 2 children he seemed threatened by and he would tease them often or never have anything positive to say about them, just consant nitpicking.
Actually the nitpicking drove me insane, constantly picking at everything we all did or didnt do.
He was the best at everything. Every achievement by anyone in the house he would turn into being about him 'That happened because of me’
As our son grew the checking of my phone and ipad and computer became more often. He would tell stories to my family that the department had told me I had to get off facebook and take better care of my children. this ofcourse was untrue.
He talked occasionally about seeing things that werent there or of hearing things.
The higher the stress and presure at home was the worse he was, the calmer home was the better he usually was.
Financially he was the one working full time getting paid well yet he would not give me money. After 12 months I sat him down and insisted he must start paying as it couldnt go n, he then started paying towards the mortgage nly and wou;d deposit the money the day before it was due as he didnt trust me to not spend it ( I had never spent any of his money on anything before)

this year was a very stressful year for him. He went through property settlement with his ex wife which I dealt with all appointments as he couldnt cope (but he was alongside me) which involved court etc. We had a baby and already had 5 children between us (he has two from his previous marriage aged 10 and 11). We were looking at transferring my house into both of our names so were dealing with the bank etc and this meant pressure for him to work. His work worked him way too hard because he couldnt say NO, so was often working shift work up to 80 hours a week.

Then in early september this year , at a family holiday, he had an altercation with my 14 yr old daughter which invloved my daughter slapping him and him grabbing and trying to wrestle her to the ground (after teasing my son). This triggered something in him afterwards. He just ran away.
He wouldnt talk about it and instead started picking apart everything he could, messaging me (he went away for about 15 days) asking to send him my daily spending, accusing me of all sortsof things (none true)
Then one day his dad turned up told me he was moving (2 and halfhours away) and he was gone, he came a week later and got all of his things.

When he finally talked ot me he told me he was scared of ending up in hospital again.
Have I mentioned yet he refuses any medication and wont see a psychiarist either.
He told me he was losing it and afraid if he didnt run then he would end up not being able to control it at all.

So that was 8 weeks ago, in the mean time he varies every day sometimes in the course of a day, between, he loves me and he hates me and I am out to get him.
One day he says he has a mental illness and needs help, the next day he accuses me of having a mental illness.
When he visits here he cries alot and goes through stages where he cant speak, when I ask him why he has typed on his phone and shown me ‘because of the talking in his head’

His family are in denial, his dad is believing the lies he is telling him and now thinks that i am mega bitch who has ruined his sons life (I had onlt met his dad briefly 3 times so he does not know me) that wont believe me when I tell them he needs help. and he is so petrified of medication and doctors he will lie to the end instead of facning whats going on.
I had contacted his one best mate and his family in the last 6 months a few times telling them I was worried about him. But because they all live far away he just tells them stories and they believe them.

Now after all that very , probably too much, rambling info, it brings me to where I am now and my biggest concern.

Our baby son.

I can not send him to be with him at the moment as he is too up and down and is not medicated at all and is actually in complete denial at present that he has an illness (dpeending on the day)
I am seeking legal course to obtain full custody of my son with supervised visitation with his father until he is older or until his father is more stable.

I question at times am I making the right choice. So i guess I am after advice, or support or just something.

this journey feels so lonely when no one will believe me half the time.


#2

Welcome.

I know it’s hard, especially when he is afraid to get help.

I almost beat my son with a hockey stick, but in the last second I beat up the wardrobe. After that I ran away from home and was gone for a year. I didn’t trust myself to take care of the kids and the voices were really bad. I ended up in hospital for 6 months.

Maybe he will get help when he reaches the end of the road. When there is nowhere else to go. But it can take time.


#3

I think you are doing the right thing by going after sole custody. When I was in the grips of a drug addiction my children’s father got sole custody and he was right to do so. I later got it back so there is always hope for the future if things turn around. I was raised with an unstable father and the damage that can do is pretty significant. Spent most of my life thinking… well not good things. My son has sz so I guess to a certain degree I have seen it from both sides. I have made the mistake of not putting my children first and not protecting them when I should have and that includes from my own partners. They didn’t ask for any of it yet have paid the bigger price. Myself. I grew up feeling unloved and insecure. Unsure of myself or the world as no one protected me from my own father and his demons. I have struggled most of my life because of it. It’s not just your baby boy but the other children as well that need you. Sorry for being a little harsh…
As for the dad. Since he has not learned how to cope until now then I’m not sure that he will without treatment of some kind.


#4

thanks, it doesnt often feel right as his family is against me, but I do know I am doing the right thing… I think!


#5

How painful all this is. I am so sorry you have to go through all this. I have to cast my vote towards the ones who say you need full custody. I was getting scared when you mentioned putting your hard earned house in his name. He’s moved out, did he leave his previous kids with you? Are you alone with 6 kids total? your four and his previous two?

I’m sorry to say it, but if he won’t get help, won’t take meds, won’t see a doctor, and the family is in denial… this situation is going to get ugly fast. He’s going to crumble further. A baby shouldn’t have be around this. Especially if your husband is jealous of the attention and not nurturing. That’s not going to help the baby.


#6

hey surpisedJ no i just have my 4 kids, his first 2 kids now live with their mum and are with him fortnightly for the weekend (which isnt good as i know how he is with them!)

It is so hard as he has the most caring heart when not so sick. But when sick not just his heart, but his head, the lot… is just a bundle of confusion and evil towards me and the kids.

I wish he would get help, but he has no support. He wont listen to me as i am the enemy.

but I will always protect our beautiful son. always.