Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Husband with schizophrenia + babies


#1

Hi I used to come on here and fell away since my oh was doing really well. We’ve come to a point again where I realise how silly I have been and how I need to find myself some support. My husband has suffered since 15ish and copes well except every so often he has a breakdown and not so much with hallucinations etc but more with just coping with life.

We have our first baby who is 14 months old and my oh chose to stay at home and be a stay at home dad (mainly due to the fact that he struggles to hold down a job anyway). He has been coping amazingly. My little boy just adores him. he makes tea does washings cleans walks dogs etc… hes just great. I work shifts and need to be away 7 nights out of ten, usually one a week. this allows us to have a good wage coming in, i love my job also. got nice house, not over the top but comfortable, little family car etc… all very comfy.

He has my lb most of the time and occasionally my mum will take him for the day (not overnight yet). He seems to have hit a bad patch where he tells me hes going to a doc and psyc but I have doubts. Is serial lying common? he doesnt seem to be coping with little things and I have tried to get him to go away for a few days. My problem is I have no one to take wee one overnight and tonight hes really unsettled. I get a phone call and can hear him being a generally grumpy baby (as they do) but I cant cope with it. And I get annoyed at myself because I know that he is going to go through bad spells (wev been together 12 years) and should have seen it coming. I guess Im just looking for support and maybe some suggestions from anyone else in same situation??

Thank you


#2

Well, the first thing that springs to my mind is whether he’s getting enough sleep frankly. For most young mothers that’s a major problem, but since you’re the breadwinner and he’s the homemaker, he may be the one having that problem.

I think accusing him of lying is the wrong way to go. I think you have to say that you see that childcare can be tougher than paid work, and how can you relieve his stress sometimes.

Don’t forget that when women do childcare they get together for playdates, swap stories and support each other. But men get left out of the support system. Maybe he needs a friend a relative to come round sometimes for a bit of adult company, just watch a film together, let him nap, whatever.

Maybe he is going to the doctor and maybe not, but either way, consider that it might not be HIM that’s the problem but his circumstances. A lot of young parents find this stage hard.


#3

I’m new to these forums but thought I would chime in. I’m a full time parent to two young children, married, and have schizoaffective disorder so I guess I am in a position that is similar to your husband’s. I have no idea whether lying is something common to these mental illnesses or not, but it is certainly something I have struggled with. It actually helped once my husband gently called me on it and we discussed my lying openly and (ironically perhaps) honestly. I tend to lie to cover the beginning manic stages of the episode, because it feels so good and I have so many ideas etc and don’t want all that motivation taken away from me. Of course it is not in my best interests in the long run to let the manic build up continue. I also sometimes feel like I do not need help, that my hallucinations are special, and a whole host of other reasons and excuses why I shouldn’t see the doctor.
I’m not saying any of this applies to your husband, but if he does lie, it could be a part of the illness itself. With that said, like any grown adult in a relationship he is still responsible for his own behaviour.
I can empathise with your struggle to trust your husband. It must be really hard - from my side, I know I am not an easy person to love or live with! Keep those communication channels open - express your concerns clearly but without accusing, that’s been key for us.


#4

Hi thanks for replies. I dont acuse him of lying to me i just instead know that he has but that its his way to deal with it so let it slide. He does a great job 95% of the time its just every so often he has days he struggles. Like other night i was on nightshift and the lo wouldnt sleep he got really stressed out. What can u do at 3am so he called me and that sends my bp through the roof. I trust him completely with our son. I just need ways of coping with him when he struggles. I do suggest he goes away or goes out but because hes fine most times he doesnt feel need to. Maybe i need to force him in a way to take time to himself


#5

Time away should be a priority for your husband. Anyone with a new baby needs it.
Maybe hire someone to care for the baby one or two nights a week, or even as a helpmate a few days a week.
I would also talk to your boss at work. Let them know the situation at home. They may be able to work with you on nights when you need to go home.


#6

hi yeah we have dont have many people around us to help. My mum will take him during day but not so much at night cause they still work too and we have a friend who can take him on occasion also during the day. Hes never been away overnight yet. I think he does need some more help its just convincing him too cause when hes feeling ok he says no hes fine etc…

As for work I cant get help or get out of nights its in my contract and unfortunatley lone working. I also need to be able to talk to people who understand that sometimes nothing will help, he just needs time to sort his head out but a lot of people jump to the conclusion that hes just being a bad husband. its such a hard illness to cope with. We knew there would be new challanges as parents I guess we just never realised how much your kids become priority. He understands that his health to him comes first and at first I got very defensive at this comment but hes right.