Wow Barbie sorry to hear that its come to this.
If your son is like me, he only learns the right way to do something after several tries doing it the wrong way first. This could be a necessary step in an eventual positive outcome. One of those incredibly frustrating ‘time takes time’ things. Have to say, wish I’d had a parent like you behind me when I was going through my dark period - what a difference that would have made.
There are certaintly a lot of negatives! Let your daughter do what she wants to do about your son. That may be a positive thing. I
ve learned not to interfere between family members in regard to C. It just caused divisions. Any support is support. However, I would still keep your boundaries in regard to your house, and do not give any money out. Everyone has placed themselves in their own position-so let them deal with whatever comes. I am just giving you my own experience, but hope this will help a little. You dont always have to pick up the pieces…
prayers for youOO
Barbie, after reading over your original post three or four times today, a question came into my mind.
WHY can’t they see it’s a bad idea? WhAT is stopping them from facing FACTS like the grandmother is in ill health mentally and physically? Are they incompetent or ignorant? What’s their reasoning when you tell them all the negatives? Stealing, drugs. Are they just lazy or tired of dealing with you and sloughing off their responsibility/? For all those people who think it’s a good idea, can you go over these peoples heads? For one thing they are not all doctors. You mean their job description tells them to facilitate and release a person who obviously can’t take care of himself into the custody of an older person who almost can’t take of herself let alone someone who does drugs can steals. Maybe these people are not fit to do their jobs and maybe hiring that lawyer and going to some kind of court about this in front of a judge who has common sense is a good idea. I’m sure you have “talked, yelled, and cried” to them about everything I am telling you now. Are these people qualified to make these actions? Can you perhaps get your sons medical records and show a judge to bolster your case? Their rules are so rigid that they can’t look into your wishes and anyone else who has an offspring there and take each situation on a case by case basis? Anyway, good luck and take care of yourself.
@BarbieBF…wow, so sorry you’re being put through such stress. Life can just be overwhelmingly stupid when others just don’t practice preventing disaster.
Please take good care of yourself through these trying times and don’t forget to find some distraction that can take your pain away for awhile.
I guess the biggest problem in all this is emotions. His grandmother is reacting solely on her own emotions and her idea of unconditional love for my son. She is willing to put her own live, the rest of her family all on the back burner to love my son. She doesn’t understand ‘tough love’ or boundaries. Her own mental state is not allowing her to see beyond this or what my son tells her. It’s been going on for months. He calls her and tells her how mean I’m being, that I don’t love him, that I’m not there for him, that I yell at him for no reason, the list goes on and on. He knows that he is manipulating her and feels justified in doing so because he needs a place to ‘vent’. She gives him what he wants. She is suffering some sort of PTSD - psychosis from her heart attacks so I have been told and not to long ago was so paranoid that she thought me and my daughter were plotting against her. I don’t know why or how she thinks this time will be different since her ideas and beliefs have not changed.
Unfortunately we are all working within a system that is failing my son. Privacy laws have everyone stuck in what they cannot do or say. The shelter is slowly starting to see through my son’s ways of manipulating and keeping people from talking but they can’t stop it because grandma or dad bought the plane ticket. Even they are limited in who they can talk to as my son won’t sign releases.
His dad says that he will take care of our son once he gets there. Hard to see since in July no one would even make sure he was taking his meds and usually after a couple of weeks they are butting heads so bad… He has no understanding of schizophrenia. Nothing I can do right now.
I am looking into getting a lawyer. Getting guardianship or substitute decision maker here in Canada is not easy especially when he is not medically unstable. I do plan on starting the process though so that if things go down hill out there and he gets admitted again then I will have a better chance.
I think you are a good mother,if you had tried your best to advice and pull your son back from psychosis,and he doesn’t had any insight then you had to accept and let things happen.
I sincerely believe your hard work and effort on your son will results in a good ending,it’s still a long road but it will be a good ending!
Its a very emotional thing. Its hard to understand what people are thinking when they do things of this nature. It is so frustrating when it stands in the way of progress. With the sister, I really can’t say. I know my son’s brother has never been real understanding. No matter what, We are here for you.
Hi there Barbie. I’ve been off for a while and have thought about you and your son often. So sorry to read all this.
I think all of us responsible caregivers know that we have to be “hitting on all 8” at all times to appropriately care for our loved ones. (for any of you young whippersnappers out there who are not sure what I mean by this, it is a phrase I use which refers to an 8-cylinder car:) You are always hitting on all 8. On the other hand, your son’s g-mother, from everything I’ve read about her, is not at all equipped to take this job on.
You have worked so hard to help him, but as so many have pointed out, they have gone through this same turbulent period and eventually came out the other end. I hope and pray this will eventually be your son’s situation.
And I agree it’s a good idea for you to go ahead and obtain guardianship since you probably will need it in the near future.
Hopefully you will be able to take a deep breath, try to let go as much as you can (easier said than done I know) and just relax for a few days. You deserve it.
Sending big cyber ((hugs)), prayers, and positive thoughts your way. Hang in there and pls keep us posted.
Here is something that will probably apply to your son. It took me a very long time to nail this down. There are many reasons for non compliance, also why they don’t see Mom as helping.
- They are at the invincible age
- They are adults and as one dr said his compliance is one of the few things he feels he has control of
- I’m an adult, the broken system teaches them their rights to stay sick
Add i’m not sick, invincible and meds don’t feel good or work well at first, its a recipe for disaster with out the strongest support and treatment team in place.
Here’s what I didn’t realize, many times through 72 hr holds and commitments, it seemed once he was told this is how it is, then I was amazed at how he changed to no big deal after having fought hook and nail. With my new guardianship, he needed to be hospitalized, he was fighting for his right, I took one officer to the side and told him, If he thinks or is told its happening then he will quit fighting this. The officer told the other one, they talked to him and he got in the ambulance with out another word. Now I have learned that he will try to talk his way out if he can, on anything. He hated the shots, but once he got the first one, no big deal. He went 4 or 5 months then off again, but right back to hospital against his will and back on. Again no big deal, but it was much faster than when it was his own decision. Like you, we were in a crisis. It took him a little while to get used to Mom being able to over ride his medical decisions, In the meantime he was getting better with the medicine. He has thanked me for getting the guardianship now. My point is, their fight for No treatment isn’t as big a deal once they figure out its going to happen.
Most of the time fear of medicine becomes part of the psychosis. They come home from hospital not fully adjusted and that fear of medicine is still there, so I’m not taking it now, don’t have to. Some will learn on their own, but they have to get well on medicine, then sick off of it, many times to learn they need it. This process is very lengthy in years. It took my son one year to learn the new rules. The short of this is, its much faster when they know they have to do the treatment.
Barbie, you are a gem to this forum. There are 10 times as many people who read this forum without even having accounts than the people that actually talk. So I think you might not realize how many people you have given good advice to, and been supportive of. You are really a great person. I hope you feel properly appreciated by all the silent folk like me.
If you need to take time away to rest that is 100% okay, and is always necessary time to time. You will be welcome whole heartedly when you return from your rest.
The victim of Sz in my life is my friend, so I’ve been in a position of no power at all in the situation. I can empathize with the feeling of knowing what is best and having no way to make it happen. It is maddening. Surely maddening. And I’m sorry for that. Facing our lack of power is made fifty times more difficult since we can see getting and maintaining that power as a moral imperative, driven by the love and care for a human being. So how can we accept that it is out of our hands when that is also accepting we are failing a moral obligation? There is no easy way to wrap our brains and hearts around it at the same time. It’s very hard. And I’m sorry that this is so, for you and for me and for everyone else who faces it.
You have my love and consideration.
Thank you!!! The support I receive from this forum and from posts like this give me the strength I need. I don’t know what else to say except thank you for your words and understanding.
I am so sorry you are back to square one…Just like me I feel like I am wasting my time and life!!!
People do learn from bad experiences. I hope your daughter, your ex, your mother-in-law do learn from this upcoming experience without too much bad happening. And people with mental illness do learn from their experiences, too, so your son may just get through with gaining a bit of maturity, especially since he has had 15 months of good nurturing and teaching moments and the right kind of parenting with you.
I also feel I have lost the battle but sometimes it comforts me to know it is no longer in my hands. One thing I have learned is that as bad as it can get, it also how quickly it can turn around. I pray it gets better soon. We try so hard…
That sounds like an amazingly bad idea. Why is the grandmother allowing this? Are there not other family members who can talk some sense into her?
Unfortunately it’s the grandmother and my son causing it to happen. His dad ended up buying him a ticket and he left Tuesday so he is there now. I haven’t talked to his grandmother since July. They all seem to think that they can handle it and I guess that he is better off there since I’m sure he made the shelter and what I was doing sound extremely horrible.
As far as I know he left with little to no medications and doesn’t plan on taking any now that he is there. I have done what I can. I have sent my son’s history regarding medications and addiction to his dad so hopefully he will pass it on to his new pdoc. I’m concerned about marijuana as I don’t want him being pumped full of meds that won’t work if he is using so I have asked/urged that someone do drug testing before they put him on a ton of medications again and that they keep him off stimulants like Adderall.
When I saw him Wed night and gave him a chance to talk… He is pretty delusional. Spoke about himself as being non-human, wanting to leave (earth) and not wanting to be connected to anyone by love as love kills souls…
I had some times of talking like that!