My MI husband came back to where I was living May 2. He seemed to want to make it work this time, his third time trying to live here where I am, but still could not find work or housing, started making enemies. Saturday night a young drunk threatened him with a shotgun. I have come close to being fired from my newly acquired FT job because he comes around asking for money and brings drama.
This morning he begged me to purchase a plane ticket so he can go back to CA. He is still not ready to receive medical help, but at least the weather is better and he can use the soup kitchen to eat a full meal twice a day. Here, there is nothing, it is the rainy season and he is emaciated and delusional.
My first thought was “the mental illness has won again.” I am extremely sad about this situation, for both him and for me. I will miss him terribly. But he will be in a better climate, with people he knows, with services if he needs them. I will be able to keep working on myself, go to more therapy, and hopefully not drown in loneliness and sorrow.
Thank you, all the forum members, for helping me work through this difficult time. I couldn’t have done it without you. Please keep my suffering husband in your thoughts and I will keep your loved ones in mine as well.
I am sorry that you are feeling like the mental illness has won. It is the support of this forum that helps us family members when times are hardest.
It seems that your husband can understand he would be better off in CA, and yes, the weather, climate and services for homeless and ill are better in that state (I used to live in LA for 25 years). That is a positive (my opinion).
Perhaps the “forces of the universe” will align to help him better his own situation back in CA. I will be thinking of both of you, and all of the families struggling with MI. I hope all of us can keep adding drops of water to the “glass half full” inching up the positive things in our lives one drop at a time. It is hard not to look at the emptiness though… where hopes and dreams once were.
I am so sorry to hear your continued struggles. It is all so familiar and heartbreaking. My unofficially adopted 29 year old son was going to be homeless again so of course my mom and husband, myself made a plan with him and his therapist to assist him; alternating between our homes so he was not on the street. He signed an agreement in front of his therapist with the few rules we had made. Well of course it has been about 2 months and he does whatever he wants without any regard to anybody else. He showed up at my home last night falling over drunk, sat in his car listening to music while flipping me off with both hands, then came into my home at 11:30 pm. insisting there was someone outside in my wood pile and he was going to get my gun and shoot them. He forced his way into my room/closet looking for it. Thankfully I have it locked in a safe. After 20 min. of this, he decided he was going outside to get rid of whatever it was. This was scarey as we live in the forest on 7 acres, he was falling down next to my wood pile and I finally got him to come back inside as he was making a lot of noise and was so afraid my neighbors would call the cops. Got him into bed finally, only to wake up hr . later with him in the shower, again scarey as he could have fallen into the glass. Back to bed, to be woken up again at 3:20 a.m. to him cooking food in the microwave. I am exhausted, I have to work with no sleep and he is now in there sleeping like a baby with no care in the world. I am so mad and frustrated at this stupid ass illness, such nonsense and debilitating to everyone involved. I don’t know what else to do besides kick him back out and then he is on the streets, which could very possibly land him back in jail. He has a record (go figure with mental illness) and if he gets into trouble he will be in prison this time. HIs tramatic childhood and neglect/abandonment along with MI has not been a good life for him. Sorry for the rant but I know we are all so TIRED.
So sorry, but that is funny as hell… LOL I know, not for you, in time you will laugh about it, guaranteed…
For me, I sleep like a baby, a solid wood bedroom door, bolted and bared, with 357 on my night stand. Lock it down and forget it all, all you need is an escape route when the house burns down, no joke here…
No sorry, I don’t find that funny. Up to that point, he was falling down drunk and insisting on getting my gun to shoot at something that is not even there is very scary. He is rude and disrespectful and insists I am working with the cops against him. I cannot live with that or have him in my home thinking those things as he has acted on other things when he perceived a threat, so who knows what he will do.
simple rules that he cant do, I will not allow him to be drunk in my home on top of his illness. NO GO! I have been doing this for 8 yrs. with him and it appears to be getting worse not better. He refuses meds.
If I lock my door, he will open it anyway as in the past and has broken 3 of my doors already, he is very strong and I am done taking chances. We see his therapist tomorrow and once again he will play all nice in front of her then do his thing when we leave. Therapist keeps telling me strong boundaries with him and no leeway. Regardless of what we have done, it has never lasted for any length of time.
Your approach is not conventional, that’s for sure. But I understand your situation and I respect that you care for your wife and want her to live in a good environment and that you care about your daughter. We all are doing what we know best to help our loved ones.
Could I do what you’re doing, though? Not now, not any time soon. I really WISH I could pay for a place for my husband to live or that we lived in a state where it was possible for him to rent or buy so he could live by himself with his disability money, but that’s not the case. Either he lives with me in whatever we can afford on my small wages and makes my life hell or he is homeless.
I don’t know if I will ever laugh about what has happened between me and my husband. For me, it is just too sad because he was OK when I first met him, when he was still coming down from psych meds. He was 100% sober for seven years. The only thing I might find funny are the things he says because of his delusions, but the delusions are also sad because they concern his past, when he was abused as a child, the horror of being in San Quentin when he should have been in a mental hospital, the horror of being in a mental hospital with mostly child rapists before they segregated that population, his first wife disappearing to another state with their daughter…I could go on and on.
So I get that you have a situation you are comfortable with and I am happy for you, your wife, your daughter and your girlfriend for all your successes and happiness. I hope you understand if others on the forum aren’t seeing any joy or humor in their situations (and they might never have the chance to). I try to see the good things in life, too, but lately it has been a struggle.
Thank you for posting. I have also made plans with my husband, only to have him break them not long after. His breaking of plans or agreements was part of why I had to move from CA and try to get out of that life.
More recently, I had a long talk with him about trying to stop abusing marijuana for his chronic pain because the pot makes his negative symptoms a lot worse. He had tried medical marijuana in CA and had success with that. At first he agreed that he shouldn’t be smoking pot he can buy on the streets, but so many people offer it to him and he does like it, so the next day he told me the medical cost too much, gave me some excuses about why he doesn’t want to do that again. I know he is drinking frequently as well (all the while going to AA meetings and preaching to them!) and was almost certainly using heavier drugs while he was living in the area where I am (where Ice and Meth are easy to get).
I still haven’t heard from him after putting him on the plane Monday night. His best option would be to commit himself to the hospital, otherwise he could be arrested and in CA, he’s had the two strikes so he would be in for life if he screwed up again.
It is maddening and frustrating. I may have to watch my husband be put away and I will never see him again. Your son is young enough that he may have the insight or desire to change if he is scared. I am tired too. I wish us all peace and rest.
Then you should call the cops and have him arrested and file a protection order and or a restraining petition to bar him from you and your property. Yea a good sense of humor will get you through it. If you despair/worry/cry day after day, month after month, year after year, you will not make it… Depriving yourself of sleep for the rest of your life with these circumstances, he just might out live you…
yep, we all have our own way and unique perspectives, but really, would anyone want to live like this for the rest of your life? Hell no, I simply state my perspective and maybe someone will benefit from it, so many posts here are of condolences for a given situation, I really dont do that, I see things differently, men have an inherent nature to solve problems instead of provide comfort…
I’ve always thought of myself as a capable person and a problem-solver despite my super sensitive and care-giving nature. I left my parents at 18 without their financial support, got myself through college later with no debt, know how to fix (older) cars, maintain a house and yard, balance my finances, know CPR and am a CERT member. I won’t be the strongest, physically, out there in an emergency, but I will know what to do.
One of the few problems I have not been able to solve is to be able to make enough money to find my husband housing. If I could pay for an apartment for him, that would be a huge relief for him and for me. His refusal to believe he is ill and his addictions are his problems.
But, yes, I am a woman and I’m sensitive, nurturing and protective and will write to the forum at times to receive comfort for myself because I don’t have a support network and this situation is something I’ve never had to deal with until I got involved with my husband. (And, despite some of the services available, types of schizophrenia are still not well understood and the resources are not strong.) The major points I appreciate that I have found in your story is that you have stuck with your suffering loved ones and found a way to be happy in your life as well. I think that’s the goal we are all trying to reach here.
I do have a good sense of humor and your right it does help. However, as you probably know when dealing with your family whom you love makes everything so much more difficult. He seems to be in deep with delusions right now and lives in his own world, very sad. Just reminded him, if he cannot follow the simple rules, he cannot stay here… He still does not grasp the severity of it, again very sad. I am about 100% that he will not last another week before being requested to leave or I have him removed AGAIN. I got to speak to his therapist today by myself as he refused to show up, she reminded me after I shared that he needs to be removed as he is not safe and who knows what is next? So by next week I may be posting that he is once again homeless.
Thank you for the kind words. That comment: men have an inherent nature to solve problems is funny to me too, sorry.
I have been on my own since 17 and self sufficient. I worked hard to get where I am with no financial support from anyone. I am proud to say I own 2 homes and rent 1 to my mother, I work with former foster youth in transitional housing and provide support, advocacy, and problem solving for over 20 years. I do agree that women at times are more compassionate,empathetic and provide comfort though.
I also write to this forum to get feedback and to vent and get support too. I have stuck with my young man for almost 8 years now. He came to me when he was 21 and he is almost 30. I was his worker/mentor in the program and he got exited for getting into trouble. I now know looking back that all of this was mental health that has never been addressed growing up in the system of foster care, neglect, abuse and lots of trauma. He is my son by choice! and I am learning as I go as well. I have access to many resources in my job but have learned that it is far from enough and getting someone help, especially an adult with Anosognosia is next to impossible. So I have been doing this mostly alone for majority of the time. I now have his wonderful therapist on board who has told me that she also learned in this process that helping these people without supports or family input is impossible as they go to their appts. and do not disclose the entire truth of things as they are in their own delusions. so with us working together, she can work better with him knowing how he behaves outside of her office has been most important in his sessions. I do have to say though, that he hates anybody knowing his business because then he will be held accountable and he hates that, it is always easier being the victim with no responsibility. We are trying hard to show him that he can be in control of his life and make decisions for himself instead of that being done by someone else. I will never give up on him but I am getting stronger every day to not allow him to be abusive and disrespectful. I will pay dearly for that, as he is then again the victim and I put him on the street which makes him very angry. I commend you for all that you are going thru and dealing with, you must be a very strong woman. Hang in there, I know how tough it is.
We were well aware of the problem that started with the fires two years ago, only becoming worse last year. The studio apartment in a 100 year old un-renovated apartment building we (well, I was paying for it all) rented was $1200 and is now $2000 a month. He only receives $800 in disability, which he usually spends in the first few days of each month.
But he is fixated on the fact that he is from that town in CA, went to high school there, that it is all he knows and is where he feels comfortable. He goes to several AA meetings a day and asks people for money. He has been drinking again for a few years and so this is just opportunistic on his part; he has no interest in stopping drinking. He won’t go to therapy any more because the therapist was trying to get him to commit himself.
I am not sure what will happen with him because he is too proud to try to get HUD or Section 8 housing (even though his odds are slim anyway) and eventually everyone will tire of him asking for money.
I did my best and I supported him and bailed him out from fines and overdue bills for many years, but now it is his turn to help himself. I need to concentrate on my own life and healing the damage. If he gets help and turns his life around, then we can talk about reconciling. I am very sad but I can’t take any more.
Please know I am in no way blaming you. It’s his path to follow. Still I understand how heartbreaking this is for you. I hope things go well for both of you!
I understand what you meant. I am emotional at the moment, so maybe my post didn’t come across the way I would like.
I am dealing with years of anger and guilty feelings for supporting someone who continues to lie and make life difficult for me. I understand it’s the illness, but it is having a negative effect on my life. I am worried about losing my job before my six month probationary period is over because someone he met here keeps coming in to work and is disruptive (He borrowed a vehicle of theirs and it hasn’t been returned.) even though I had no part in it and have no answers for them. I am worried that my elderly relative will ask me to leave if I keep helping my husband; they are sick and tired of his drama and are getting to the point that it might not be worth it to them to have me staying with them.
I’m the kind of person who has always been self-sufficient, worked since age 14, paid bills on time, been a law-abiding citizen and only occasionally drinks alcohol (a “normie”), done a lot of volunteer work and had no big problems. I have never had so much unwanted drama in my life since I met my husband. And it just keeps getting worse.
All this is heartbreaking and I appreciate your comments. It will get better. I need a while to re-adjust and get on with my life. Thankfully I have long time friends who I correspond with who have my back and are encouraging me to look to the future.
A couple of things that caught my eye. You stated that this was the third time you tried to have him live with you and you said he’s still not ready to get help. Why did you think it would be different this time? I know when we love someone we hope for the best, but just wondering why you didn’t only agree to try if he DID get on meds? Waiting for him to be ready will probably never happen. It seems he would rather be homeless then get on meds.
Also you haven’t posted in awhile, have you talked to him? Is he ok? I think you have to do what’s right for you at this point. I don’t know what it takes to get forced medication and or involuntary commitment treatment but that seems like a better option then prison. I’m surprised with the multiple hailing’s they didn’t require treatment, but each state country is different.
How did it turn out? I’m assuming that he is no longer in the house, but how bad was it? It’s really hard when you love someone to not have high hopes! Sometimes we love so much and don’t realize our high hopes are a way of us having delusions ourselves and we end up making the situation worse by enabling out of guilt and love. At least our family has and I’ve seen it happen too many times to count. The only time we put our feet down was when any act of violence was brought into the picture. It was a very firm no way!!! With young kids in the house and pets that my aunt had a fixation about hurting whether through hallucinations or delusions it was time to do what we should had done a long time ago and get her involuntarily committed. She was not allowed to come live with any of us until she was Ned compliant with something that worked. She still would never be allowed to watch kids or pets even though technically she never touched anyone and has never been to jail. We just Weren’t going to do the wait til she actually hurts someone game. Thankfully she has been stable on meds that work great for her. The only negatives are that she refuses to do anything regarding work, diet and exercise and she’s obese now. She also has bad regression and is trapped in the mind of an 8-10 year old (she’s 58)! She gets easily amused and laughs non stop at toys and cat sculptures.
Just wanted to touch base and see how it was going.
My unofficially adopted 29 year old son was going to be homeless again so of course my mom and husband, myself made a plan with him and his therapist to assist him; alternating between our homes so he was not on the street. He signed an agreement in front of his therapist with the few rules we had made. Well of course it has been about 2 months and he does whatever he wants without any regard to anybody else. He showed up at my home last night falling over drunk, sat in his car listening to music while flipping me off with both hands, then came into my home at 11:30 pm. insisting there was someone outside in my wood pile and he was going to get my gun and shoot them. He forced his way into my room/closet looking for it. Thankfully I have it locked in a safe. After 20 min. of this, he decided he was going outside to get rid of whatever it was. This was scarey as we live in the forest on 7 acres, he was falling down next to my wood pile and I finally got him to come back inside as he was making a lot of noise and was so afraid my neighbors would call the cops. Got him into bed finally, only to wake up hr . later with him in the shower, again scarey as he could have fallen into the glass. Back to bed, to be woken up again at 3:20 a.m. to him cooking food in the microwave. I am exhausted, I have to work with no sleep and he is now in there sleeping like a baby with no care in the world. I am so mad and frustrated at this stupid ass illness, such nonsense and debilitating to everyone involved. I don’t know what else to do besides kick him back out and then he is on the streets, which could very possibly land him back in jail. He has a record (go figure with mental illness) and if he gets into trouble he will be in prison this time. HIs tramatic childhood and neglect/abandonment along with MI has not been a good life for him. Sorry for the rant but I know we are all so TIRED.
