My boyfriend is hearing the voices when we are being intimate

It is a little difficul for me to post such a private topic, but I don’t know who to talk to. As said above my boyfriend suffers from schizophrenia and he is hearing the voices when we try to have sex. And these voices are not very nice. They tell him that he should rather watch porn or masturbate than be with me. I know he loves me, but it is very difficul. So far the voices are ruining or sexlife.

Anna, is he seeing a psychiatrist? Is he taking meds? If he’s hearing commanding voices it sounds like he’s having a psychotic episode and that would need to be treated with meds – at least that’s been the experience I’ve had with my loved one.


Hello and welcome @AnnaMoon

Feel free to vent.

Are you looking for advice on how to cope with this? Whether or not you should cope with it?

Or do you want help with resources for him and possibly bringing in a Psychiatrist and other aides to help manage what sounds to be psychosis?

@caregiver1 has already said, and I will reiterate, if he is hearing voices the best way for some people to treat it is with medication. Again, see what I mentioned above about whether or not you want treatment resources for him.

The book “I’m Not Sick, I don’t Need Help!” by Dr. Xavier Amador is standard reading for most people in this group. His approach Acronym for talking about treatment, medical or physical needs with patients is summarized as LEAP, Listen Empathize Agree Partner.

Here is a video summary of the info, and another link to the Amazon book. the first one is video lecture and the second is the Amazon link.

As for whether or not he is seeking treatment, going to his primary care physician and telling them about the issue isn’t something they will disclose outside the office hours, but you being involved in any information releases on his patient information and whether or not he seeks treatment is dicey. HIPPA (Health Pt. Privacy Laws) basically means he has to sign and ROI (Release of Information) for you to see his record. It doesn’t guarantee that you can advise he follow treatment or that he receives any kind of mandated care. Getting his diagnosis to a treatment professional will be difficult especially if he has something called anosognosia, which is a lack of awareness (often called insight) into his own illness.

NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) has a course called “Family to Family” available online (free) that teaches how to manage your life, versus caretaking, versus best steps be it separation or in or out patient treatment for you boyfriend and your ability to facilitate that depending on your situation. There are resources from 211 for getting him assessed for more help but all of them depend on his ability to agree to it.

Family-to Family Course

Realize if you want to try and continue the relationship that half of all SZ (Schizophrenia) patients don’t realize their delusions aren’t real. Convincing them of that (and in relation to what he is saying to you, whether or not he can realize how much it hurts your feelings.) may be impossible. Reality testing only works when a patient has some degree of insight (differentiation between what they think is real, versus their paranoia or other auditory or visual hallucinations). Again, this isn’t always possible.

If you intend to stick things out, always consider how you feel. If he isn’t willing to seek treatment and he is constantly belittling you, this is a form of emotional abuse that no one has to tolerate. Especially when it comes to the bedroom. It is a part of his illness but it’s ability to impact and demean you (I know the finances and emotional impact of separation aren’t easy to deal with) needs to be considered. If he won’t seek help, at some point, this relationship will not be feasible. You have certain rights and expectations for your own safety that cannot be maintained while he is experiencing delusions, even though I am sure he has good personality traits and other factors that made you get together in the first place. The sad irony of MI (Mental Illness) is that it may mask or completely change aspects of their personality. Parts that get held captive as they continue to experience psychosis and parts that you may not get back when the psychosis ends (whether or not he is on meds).

This isn’t necessarily a deal breaker, but it is something that either needs an adjustment period OR at times full separation, in order to keep yourself emotionally intact. Seeking out counseling of your own is very recommended. (Better Help, a referral from your doctor, or some of the resources on 211 may be able to help if you need options.)

Best wishes and I hope you reach out again if you need anything. :slight_smile:


Hello @AnnaMoon and welcome to this site. It is totally fine that you are posting here about this topic. Many of those on here are caregiving to other family members (not spouses) so perhaps it might take a while for several spouses who are on this forum to see and answer your post.

I am so sorry to hear this situation is occurring for you and your boyfriend. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Those negative voices are VERY real to your boyfriend and so very hard for him to ignore. My daughter still hears voices despite being on a strong medicine for 3 years now, but the medicine has toned them down to where she feels she keeps them in a “tiny box in her mind” so they don’t affect her anymore. The voices are real people to her, who can communicate to her from outside of their own bodies in other states in this country. So even medicine didn’t handle them totally.

@caregiver1 and @Wederington034985 both give good answers. I was against psychiatric drugs when my daughter got ill, but had to change to a supporter as that was the ONLY real relief she got from her delusions and hallucinations. I myself got loads of help on this site (I didn’t feel so alone anymore), from the NAMI family-to-family class, and from Dr. Amador’s LEAP method to talk to my daughter even while she was psychotic.

I can’t imagine your emotional pain, hugs, I hope your situation gets better.