My mom is schizophrenic and I need advice and support

[Alisa]

Hey there,

First of all I am so so so grateful to have found this community. I have a great group of friends who support me and my work is amazing and supportive, but reading stories from you who understand is on another level.

To make a very long story short, when I was 20 was when my mom’s delusions started getting bad. She thinks people are trying to kill her and her delusions include dust coming from different parts of the house, from electronics, etc.

Eventually she began thinking my dad was trying to kill her and ended up being homeless. She has never been diagnosed but has all the symtoms and it has progressed.

Now I am 30 years old, last year I went to take her to live with me. An across the ocean trip as she was in Hawaii (where I am from) and I now reside in Washington State.

I wanted to help her, I wanted to get her a better life, I wanted to save her.

That all crumbled around me and was truly a traumatic experience.

I know I could have done many things better in my reactions etc but ultimately I couldn’t help her and her delusions became that I was apart of the conspiracy trying to kill her.

So she went to live with my brother in Eastern WA and then miraculously was able to on SS and get senior housing (she refused to apply for SS with me)

Of course the delusions follow her and after months of telling me how unhappy she is and how people are trying to hurt her….

I woke up this morning to a text message from her saying:

“
Hi alisa when you read this I have landed in seattle
I couldn’t stay in pullman getting too sick losing my site on the right eye. If you can take my suite case and I can find a homeless shelter. I love you alisa I’m sorry to spring this on you like this”

(The dust she says is making her loose sight in her eye and no one at the hospitals will help her)

I literally don’t know what to do. I told her I cannot go and get her. I am working tonight and I truly have been finally healing and getting my own mental health stabilized as well as my finances.

I want to support her so much. I want to be there for her. She was the best mother growing up even though she did some odd things. Now I have seen the love in her go (the flat effect) and she’s really cruel to me because she believes I’m making her life hell.

Please any advice or support from anyone???

Thank you a million

[Hummingbird]

First of all, you are a wonderful daughter!

I think hopefully you can find a way to help your mom within certain boundaries. This is coming from someone who hasn’t been able to set enough boundaries yet, so I am not the best person to give advice. It’s my long-term goal.

If you could give her gift cards for groceries or something like that, hopefully you could give some help while still preserving your own health.

[oldladyblue]

Sigh, she gave up her senior housing to come to your city to go in a homeless shelter? Oh gosh, how you must be worried. In my town the wait for senior housing is years long. I don’t know how easy it is to get it in your town.

Just a bit of my life, my daughter decided to go to a homeless shelter when when she was unmedicated and living with me (didn’t trust me, hated my husband her step-father). She called the police and they drove her to the shelter. When she found out what shelter life was like, she walked home (miles and miles) as she didn’t want to call me, but DID want her old room back. Perhaps after living in a shelter, your mother would go back to her apartment in the other city?

[Victoria_Moetu]

Hello Alisa,

My names is Victoria, i live in Australia, originally from New Zealand.
My dad came to live in Australia from New Zealand because he could not stay in our family home any longer as he believed my partners family where going past the house revving cars, back fires etc. He believed they were coming to hurt him. He couldnt live in our family home any longer, we booked him a hotel and flights to australia, assumming this would help his situation.

1 year before him moving to australia, he was fixated on dust mites in our home, in the walls in roof, in the air, on his body etc. We got the house fumigated, technology that played in each room, for insects etc, we had multiple meetings etc about the dust mites in the community. We allowed this behaviour for many years without relising there is something wrong.

Fast forward to DEC 2021 dad mentioned more then once that our neighbours where saying things, hurtful things, thinking they were coming around to hurt him etc. We went around to the neighbours to our dispair they are 90 odd yrs of age and do not speak english. a few weeks had pasted and more of the same was coming from dad. He rung the police for them to go around and speak to the neighbours, at that point we had been onto older people mental health (dads 66yrs of age).

Dad promised to go to the hospital to get an assessment done, if the police came back to us and tell us the neighsbour are not doing things your saying. The police came back with that explanation and i took dad to the emergency department.

A specialist there, told dad its normal to hear voices etc. pushed off reassured its ok and we went home.

A few weeks later dad admits himself to the mental health unit at our local hospital, where he was admitted under a mental health act, and satyed there for a month, where he was diagnosed with late onset schizophrenia.

To today, dad is still in denial, my self (30 in a few months), my sister (preggo atm, 33 yrs) and my mum is who has not been with my dad for almost 15 years now. We all support dad, but is getting to the point now where he wants to "find a new home, where he wont hear voices, ad will feel safe’’.

We are constantly in a fight to keep him in a granny flat, with my mum, at the back of my home (i have a young family). Its the safest, cleanest, quietest, home, that he can make his own, everything paid for etc.

I feel your pain, your not alone, my dad brought up 9 kids, 2 diff wifes, as a stay at home dad, whilst my mum worked. He done an amazing job, it breaks my heart to see and go through this with my dad, who last i knew was a strong minded, capable (young at heart) grandad.

not sometimes, but everytime your mental health and happiness comes first!! always!! not matter how guilty you feel, not matter how much you think your not doing a good enough job, feeling quilty for ‘not helping’ ! YOU ARE 100% doing all you can, and the best you can!!!

I know the feeling all to well, and it warms my heart knowing im not the only child ever to have to fight my parent, to keep them safe!

There was a comment in one of these forums that said "This sickness is energy sucking, but hang in there’’!! & it so close to home!

I wish you all the best, love and light.

(ps please excuse my spelling and grammer errors).

[Victoria_Moetu]

100% Boundaries are whats getting me through, dad in denial and fighting against all help and support.
Ive set boundaries where he can not come into my home in the middle of the night to tell me he is hearing voices, etc - always reassure the voices are not real, you have a sickness of the mind, and its up to you to pull yourself out, from within here and i point to his heart. (i also have a 10yr old)

I am very blunt, im very strong on my decisions and theres no humming and harring.

Ive explained to dad that if he chooses to move out of this house or move in general. Then that needs to come from within him, all on his own, everything, as if he can think he will be safe in another home, then he can think about what he needs to do find him another home. There will be no help from any family members. I then reassure him that the home he is in, is safe, its his home, i live next door and mum lives here with you.

It sounds harsh, but i dont txt back, i dont acknowledge things my dad says that i know isnt correct, until i see him in person.

Possibly setting strict boundaries via txt so you can refer back to it when you need to.

Keep on keeping on!! You are not alone!!

[oldladyblue]

@Victoria_Moetu

it breaks my heart to see and go through this with my dad

Welcome to the forum @Victoria_Moetu . It is kind of you to log in to help support @Alisa since you understand the issues with a parent and schizoprenia.

Reading on this site helps out a lot, and everyone who read the posts understands your struggles.

[hope]

Welcome to the forum @Victoria_Moetu, i wonder if you have heard about the symptom “anosognosia” basically its a symptom that 60% of the people who have schizophrenia experience.

Rather than being “in denial” 60% of our family members have no way to understand they are ill. Basically they are too sick to know they are sick. To learn more about anosognosia, enter anosognosia into the search box as well as LEAP and Dr Amador.

I am so sorry about your dad’s late onset, you are doing a great job of working to understand how to help him.

[mig110]

Hello. Unfortunately your story sounds like my life with mother…thank GOd she is lucid at times and she knows she can’t leave the house…paranoid about it…for the last 10 years or so most of the symptoms became obvious (she went through menopause and it was spectacular)…I just thought it was depression…I didn’t really understand that the voice in her ear was a real one…she was lucid was so long that when she would go off we didn’t get she wasn’t well…just 2 days ago I talked to an uncle on her side of the family and he said “ohh it’s paranoid schizophrenia it runs in her maternal side of the family”…so basically this is all new and I find it kinda hopeful…now I have a name… I don’t have meds for her yet since she physically is too weak to go to the doctor and a psychiatrist can’t come to my house… I’m not even sure why I’m saying it all here! I think it’s because the delusions of death and the father being responsible is hers… just know you did what you could have and don’t focus on your past…all psychologists say “what you focus on grows”. You tried … when you can you will try again hope it gets better.