Can you tell if ‘internal stimuli’ - voices or hallucinations - are decreasing? I guess I have stopped having much hope of delusions going away.
He says he’s only rarely had visual hallucinations - and he knew that’s what they were at the time.
For voices, before he went in the hospital, he said he heard the President talk to him through the TV for just a second. Other than that, his voices are him hearing other people say things they don’t actually say,. So, other people have to be around for that too, and he hasn’t said anything when we’ve went out. It was sporadic anyway. It scares me to death that he doesn’t know this happens. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he doesn’t believe me.
His paranoia & delusion level has been up & down, and both days I thought he took 2 3 mg pills, he didn’t - just thought he did. He seemed very surprised that he didn’t take them, so I just think it was his memory acting up. So, the anxiety doesn’t seem to be from upping the dosage.
Right now, he has the delusions, but he doesn’t have the urgency to act or talk about them as much.
He hasn’t brought up the telephone in his head again - that one was scary for me, although he wasn’t all that concerned.
Other than his sleep patterns are better and he’s in a good mood more often, it’s only slightly better than when he came home. I’ve been waiting every day for the gradual improvement to show itself. In the past, Zyprexa has fixed his delusions.
They went really slow in the hospital to bring him up to the 15 mg he usually needs, and it was a high stress environment for him. I’d honestly like to see what a full week on the Zyprexa can do for him if I can keep him on it.
I’ve seen it go from mood cycling every 15 minutes (15 min of “they’re” going to bust down the door & kill him, 15 min of “I think I did something really, really bad”, 15 min of rest) and no sleep for days (max of 10), to sleeping and making jokes about coming back out of the Twilight Zone as he used to call it in 48 hours.
In the past, it’s been a miracle drug for him even though he doesn’t like it. This time is different, so I don’t know - I think he hid the mild psychosis from us this time since he’s got more happy delusions than scary ones, then it got away from him. So maybe it’s natural for it to take him longer to come out of it. But, he also may have ran out of luck with Zyprexa - no way to know for sure.
However, I want to try to get him on something newer eventually anyway. He’ll be happier I think, and if possible, I don’t want to see him gain the weight back. He’s a little thin, but at a good weight now. Normally, he should weigh about 140 - he was well over 200 lbs before he completely stopped his meds.
Maybe the delusions won’t go away this time. I’ve always heard they were the hardest thing to deal with having, and the hardest part to treat. He just turned 27, so I have 2 options.
- He’s moving from intermittent psychosis and chronic anxiety to full-blown schizophrenia.
- He’s stressed himself out so much about getting close to 30, still living at home, not having a job/girlfriend/regular friends, not having a job, not being in school, that his psychotic tendencies just made up a dream world that he’s kind of happy to stay in. In the past, his delusions were terrifying to him.
Either way, we’ll just keep working on it. What other choice do we have?
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Saturday - Today’s been a weird day. He took his morning Zyprexa, than about an hour later called me a pillchucker with lots of attitude & blasted rap music for about 2 hours.
I went to the other end of the house & did some computer work. Then, he came and asked if we could go to McDonalds to get something off the all-day breakfast menu and some coffee, and he wanted to drive there. So he drove there, then I took over - we went downtown since that’s what we’d planned to do, but the more people that were on the streets and the heavier traffic got, the more uncomfortable he became - visibly uncomfortable. We passed by some of the landmark buildings I thought he’d like to get a closer look at (we live in a historic area), but didn’t get out. I was even surprised at how busy it was, but they’ve been trying to revitalize our downtown area. It used to be almost a ghost town. We hit the interstate & came home the fast way, and he’s somewhat better now.
Now, it’s old Guns & Roses on TV, so a little more my speed than rap. Hopefully, the mood swings will settle down or we’ll get back to the pdoc soon & he can try another new med.
edit: tonight, he took his zyprexa without complaint and said it wasn’t too bad. yay for small victories! especially the ones I decided I wouldn’t fight for.
even though he doesn’t like it, this has been a very effective med for him in the past. he can always try to change when he’s more stable. of course, he still says nothing’s wrong with him & he’s fine, just anxious.
My son’s refusal to take his morning dose is catching up with him. Yesterday he drank too much coffee, listened to rap, and was yelling about the stuff he usually rants about when he is getting sicker. I hate this stuff, the hateful, angry stuff he says. I don’t know if we are headed for another hospital visit or not - hard to say how that would help, since they would just start him on the morning dose again, and he would settle down. Without insight, this just sucks.
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I know exactly what you mean.
So far, he’s taking his meds, but just when I think I’ll go a whole day without hearing one delusional thing, it comes out.
I really wish there was some way to improve INSIGHT!
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My son had pretty good insight until recently - now, it appears to be gone & he’s enjoying his delusions quite a bit.
If anyone would like to know how much more time they have on Earth, he’s predicting the year people will die today. He said it would be too scary to take it all the way to the day, but his number is 531 - that’s how long he’ll live. He gave me over 100, but family is very hard to read. For whatever reason, he wasn’t nearly as generous with his dad.
He kind of started that when David Bowie and someone else died recently.
Edit: Tuesday morning - he’s slept maybe 1 hour in 48, and says it’s fine - he doesn’t need sleep and can go for days without it causing any kind of problem other than I bug him about it.
Edit: Tuesday evening - he was asleep when I got home around 1:30 and slept until 5:30 - not enough, but I’ll take it. Now, he’s saying he’ll join the military, and was talking to his dad about all kinds of delusional stuff. It’s only been 5 days on the Zyprexa, and he’s taking it even though he says he probably doesn’t need it. I try not to call his pdoc too often, so I’m trying to time the call.
Today, I said I’d wait to see if he slept, now I feel like worrying after 5 days if he slept some is overreacting. I guess I’ll see what I feel like in the morning.
He’s delusional, but not ranting. He’s restless, but not agitated. He’s not paranoid or depressed or overly anxious. He’s smoking like a fiend, but that’s not unusual. He’s actually a lot better than when he went into the hospital, I’m just not seeing any improvement. I’m just impatient - I’m happy as long as I can see the tiniest changes, but I’m not seeing anything right now.
He also went off high dosages of suboxone & klonopin about a month ago, so his brain could still be adjusting to that - I honestly think that’s how he was holding it together while not taking his antipsychotics like he should have. When he started quitting them, the symptoms acted up much worse than before.
Maybe the Zyprexa hasn’t been working for a long time other than to make him gain a ton of weight.
Wed. - I tried to get an earlier appt, but had to settle with leaving a message for the doctor. The Zyprexa is not working - if anything, he’s getting worse, and he’s showing signs that he could just walk off and leave.
He said that he saw his interview on Johnny Carson (an old one) on Antenna TV last night, and all we have to do is drive to the Antenna TV place so he can pick up his check, and then he’s gone.
He’s at 15 mg/day, max dosage is 20 mg/day, but I don’t know that the extra 5 mg is going to help. Plus, we’ll probably have some kind of confrontation if I up it. Maybe they’ll call something else in for him.
He’s definitely taking the meds this time. I hand them to him, he takes them from me, puts them in his mouth, then drinks something right away & I talk to him for a few minutes. Plus, he’s not careful enough that I wouldn’t see them somewhere if he was spitting them out.
Hopefully, I’m overreacting and more time to get them in his system will work, but they’ve worked pretty fast in the past.
Edit: Wed Afternoon - Dr is putting out samples of Rexulti for me to pick up tomorrow - going to research now. Anyone tried this one? I’ll probably start a new post for it.
Edit: Thurs morning - he finally got a good nights sleep. Went to bed when I did around 11:30 - it’s 7:30 am and he’s still sleeping soundly with no signs that he was roaming the house through the night. I’ll go pick up the Rexulti, but play a wait and see game. Maybe it took a week for the Vraylar with it’s long half life to drop off enough, and for the Suboxone to start working? I hate to switch him again if there’s a chance of improvement now. This is why I worry so much about overreacting - but I’m also scared I’ll wait too long and he’ll get to the point he refuses meds again.
I can see where this would be easier in the hospital, but he hates it so much there. We talked about it a little bit yesterday (he brought it up), and he says it’s just so hard for him to be around that many people, even if they’re OK for the most part. He was telling me they had some crab cakes and fried fish that wasn’t too bad, so I took the opportunity to mention the other hospitals in the area and how I had friends that went to one of them when I was in high school, and they actually liked it. Some, liked it better than home. He said that the hospital he went to would probably have been more like that if he hadn’t tried to run and been put on the AWOL unit where some people were just really angry all the time.
Thurs - 11:00 - I have the Rexulti, but he’s still sleeping. I’m hoping that the suboxone finally took hold and we can delay a med change. He’s probably only had 5/6 hours of sleep in the prior 4 days before he finally went to bed last night. And, of course, he’s mad at me for asking him if he’s tired or when he’ll get some sleep - told me he could stay up for days and days with no problems.
Thurs 2:45 - he got up around 11:30, and my hopes were once again smashed to bits. He’s more delusional than ever, and now has the urge to act on them. Insisted on going by the TV station to pick up his check - even if it meant someone would call the police on him. I drove him by 2 stations, but they weren’t the right one & I’m an idiot for not knowing where to go. He got out the car at a shopping center, went in & out of half a dozen stores, left his sunglasses in a pawn shop because they are worth a fortune because they’re signed by a famous person - him. He said next time, he’d pawn his shoes & his cell phone. We’re back home, but I might have to leave & go to the office for awhile - not sure I can or should be here right now. What I really want to do is at this very moment is run away & never come back.
Awww, I don’t know how many times I have had that same ‘I want to run away’ feeling. Try not to let the craziness rule the house.
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craziness always rules our house one way or another.
i think i need to remember to keep my expectations and my hope at very low levels, or i’ll be needing to go check myself in somewhere for a long stay.
Hang in there Slw. You are not alone!
Thanks - maybe both me & my son are just having a bad day.
I have to remind myself sometimes that everyone has them and it’s OK, and that tomorrow might be better.
It’s just to hear that sense of urgency back in his voice.
He’s still taking the meds, but no wonder he says they’re not so bad this time - they weren’t f’ing working.
He took his first pill of the new med earlier today - so, here we go again.
I think the biggest fear I have right now is what if nothing works. What if all we can do is stop the paranoia and any voices he might randomly here, but not get to those delusions this time? What if THIS has to become my new normal now? I’ve had too many new normals to count - I don’t want another one.
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Slw I hope your day gets better. Do you ever get any time off with a friend? If so, how did you manage? If not, how would you do that? I think we just have accept today and really look for things to be thankful for. I was able to get out for a walk this morning and dodged an argument just by stating I wasn’t going to participate. When I go down the road of what ifs, it just bums me out. There is always someone on here who is having a worse day than we are. We are all going to have them from time to time. Yesterday, I was so emotional I could not go to work. Today, is better and I hope tomorrow will be even better. Sometimes I read my post and think I’m being negative but I have to get it out and am thankful this forum allows us to blow off steam and share how we handle certain situations. Big hugs to you and the group.
I work most of the time (that’s why I’m constantly online unless I’m sleeping), and have some people there I talk to about stuff.
I’m a senior systems developer for a large IT shop & I like to take on the bigger, more complex projects whenever possible.
And, I also write on a freelance basis for a number of clients in the US & Europe, now & then Australia.
I’ve gotten pretty friendly with a lot of them too, so we talk about stuff.
Not that I don’t enjoy working, but I do use it as an escape so that I don’t have to think about “this” all the time.
If I did want to spend time with a friend, I could. I’m lucky that my job allows me to work from home a lot, but he’s not so sick that I’m afraid to leave him alone yet. He has been in the past, but not right now. Or, maybe I’m ore used to it now.
I’ve had those feelings too - what if nothing works? Clozapine has been the best so far. No hospitalization since January.
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I’ve been reading about that one. Great results, but lots of blood work.
I’d be OK with it, but I don’t know if he’d stick with it because of that.
Not that he hasn’t had plenty of blood work in the past, so it’s not the actual drawing of the blood, it’s the increased number of appointments & stuff.
Especially when he’s having these grandiose delusions that he enjoys except for the fact I’m too stupid to take him to get his check. And, I’m still the pillchucker, of course.
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I wasnt sure whether my son would cooperate with the bloodwork either, but he’s made it thru the weekly, in the bi-weekly phase.
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Thurs 9/29 - he threw his pill across the room and said he’s not taking anything. I guess I’ll go the no cigarette route here soon.
Nothing’s wrong with him, he doesn’t have anxiety anymore, he doesn’t have problems sleeping anymore, he wants to go in the military, he just needs someone to talk to and I’m not it. And, all I want to do is put him back in the hospital where the guards are mean to him - not try to keep him out.
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Sounds like our sons might benefit from some talk therapy. I’ve been looking for a therapist but haven’t found one that he can relate to yet. Hope things get better. If they only knew we were doing everything we can to keep them OUT of the hospital. Good night
You are a good Mom and doing a great job.
Well, he’s tried half a dozen therapists. He either gives up on them, or feels like they give up on him, or he gets some delusion about them.
Right now, at this minute, I’ve had enough. I don’t want to talk to him at all.
He said I could take him to the military recruiter. I told him I didn’t know where one was (true), and if he was old enough to go in the military, he didn’t need his mother setting it up for him.