First off I’d just like to say that I am new here but am so grateful that i found this group because i’ve been going through a lot trying to cope on my own with my mother who has schizophrenia.
She has had schizophrenia my whole life, but over the past couple of years it has fully taken over her and in my heart I feel that i’ve lost her. my childhood was pretty rough as i’m sure a lot of you can relate to, but things got much worse when my brother and i both moved out when i turned 18. i moved to the other side of the country, which i believe the distance has helped me to recover my mental health from the turmoil i went through as a child. as her condition has worsened over the past couple of years i have felt a lot of guilt and selfishness for leaving her.
my brother also moved to a new state and my mother was living with him until a couple months ago when he just couldn’t handle it anymore. she is so paranoid she becomes very angry and lashes out on all of her family which i don’t take personally because i understand it’s not coming from her, it’s coming from her illness. while she was living with my brother he was constantly calling for help which would result in her being taken to a mental health hospital for a couple days then just being released again with no real help. the last time she was taken away he told her she could not come back to his house anymore and she has been homeless since.
i have been constantly feeling immense guilt for not bringing her to live with me but i am afraid. i know that taking care of her will be a full time job and i have been trying to focus on school and building my career so i know that it would hurt me to take her in. i also live with my boyfriend and i don’t want this to take over his life too. selfishly, i have been the happiest i’ve ever been the past 2 years by keeping my distance from my family and am terrified to face this again.
the last time i saw my mother was 2 years ago for christmas, when she invited a homeless drug dealer to stay the night with us. i was terrified and was luckily able to run to my aunts house down the street when they went to the store. i was angry with her, but during this visit i was finally able to see how serious her illness had become. i cried as i watched her get spooked by things she was seeing in the room that weren’t really there. reality finally hit me that she was gone.
i can no longer have a normal conversation with my mom and it breaks me. she will only talk about all of the people and family she thinks is out to get her, which i know is not her fault and i hurt for her. i always just listen but i know she needs real help and she just refuses to accept it.
she recently ran back to the small town i grew up in without any money or plan. i didn’t find out until she called me from the airport and was already there asking me for help to get a hotel room. i felt horrible saying no, but i had already spent $1000 on hotel rooms for her the past few weeks and knew it wasn’t helping. it’s gotten to the point where she only calls me if she needs money and financially i cannot do it anymore as much as i want to. she was calling me for help every day until about 5 days ago. i haven’t gotten any calls from her and her phone has been turned off. i’m extremely worried for her because it’s freezing cold where she is and she was refusing to go to a shelter. i’ve called all of the shelters in the area but she’s not there.
I truly don’t know what to do anymore. i’m scared for her and this has been destroying my mental health. my brother has given up on her and so has everyone else in my family but me and my grandma. my grandma is in her 80s though and can’t do much to help other than to show she cares, so i feel all of the responsibility is on me.
i have no one to talk to about this as no one in my life really understands. i’m clueless on how to deal with this situation in the right way and always feel like i’m handling this wrong. so i appreciate any comments or anyone who took the time to read this