Hi all! Things seem to be going well, but I have noticed that my son is connecting with many people, just not me. His conversations with me are very brief, and usually only happen when he needs something, whether that be an answer to a question or money. I did get a thank you for folding his laundry the other day, so that was cool, but I long for more of a connection. He has been stopping by his grandmother’s home to hang out and talk. He has been inviting his brother to hang out or do lawncare jobs with him (something new he is doing), and he will reach out to my husband all the time to talk or look to for advice. I am so happy that he is at least connecting with some again, but I can’t help but feel jealous of it. I wish I could understand his thoughts and feelings better. I miss him so much, but I am seeing signs of little breakthroughs , so I am praying one will come that will help heal our connection again too. Gotta keep that hope!
Oh gosh, I can totally understand that you wish he would communicate with you more. At least you know he isn’t lonely and is connecting with other family members. Maybe you can figure out more questions to ask him, since he seems to answer your questions. I do remember when my daughter barely spoke to me at all. I am glad that changed, but it took years. By the way, my adult sons live closeby, and barely see me or text me or call me, and they don’t have any mental illness. They do have full social lives, but I crave more attention from them and their girlfriends…
I’m with you on missing the connection. The only time my sz son speaks to me is to say thanks for dinner (when he eats it) or he is yelling at me letting me know what a terrible person I am and I should go to hell. I can’t remember the last smile I saw from him.
Diagnosed opinion here.
In recovery, I had a tendency to reach out to people I wasn’t close to prior to becoming ill for some fairly simple and practical reasons. I don’t think the undiagnosed can fully appreciate how embarrassing and shattering to your ego a diagnosis, events leading up to it and/or hospitalization can be. People who observed your decompensation—whether they intend to or not—remind you of some of the worst times of your life by sheer proximity, or by asking questions or recalling events leading up to your break(s). In your mind (whether warranted or not) they may expect you to revert back to “normal” which is an impossibility, or treat you like a watched pot or a science experiment.
You may feel apologetic for things you did and said during psychosis, but there’s no clear mechanism to apologize or explain your actions. It’s just a huge can of worms that feels impossible to explain, and even when you try you can feel blamed or shamed about it and feel defensive of your internal motivations and fading delusional systems. It’s similar to how teenagers tend to withdraw from their parents and how they can feel put upon and misunderstood.
I’m nearing 40 years of recovery, and I still get testy when my mother brings up some of these things and (from my perspective) misremembers or takes them out of context. New people or acquaintances are just easier, and don’t expect you to magically return back to the person you were before. Give him some time to rearrange his “baggage” and maybe things will slowly improve.
Thank you so much for your honest feedback! I appreciate this more than you know. I guess it still doesn’t make sense to me, because he has reconnected(in his own way) with other members of the family but not me. We had such a close relationship prior to the onset of his first break and his diagnosis. I try to respect his space and don’t push him to communicate about things he doesn’t seem to be comfortable with, including saying I love you, which kills me! It makes me so sad that he does not want to hear it and never responds if an “I love you” slips out of mine or my husband’s mouth. He won’t acknowledge or even say happy birthday, mother’s day, father’s day, etc… to anyone.
I never talk to him about his diagnosis, meds, his therapy sessions, etc. as I know it makes him uncomfortable and he will not talk about it anyway. In fact, I never ever asked him about therapy, as I feel that should be between him and his therapist. I do however ask him how he feels once in a while. I would do that with any child of mine though. If they seem more quiet than usual, my go to would be to ask if they feel okay. Should I not ever ask him this?
I don’t know if you have seen the series “The Bear”. I’m not saying that asking your son if he is okay bothers him (I have no idea) but in the show the family is begging the daughter to not ask her mother with a brain disorder if she is “okay”. The mom is struggling to keep it together while preparing a huge family dinner and the question when eventually asked by the daughter, just tips the mom’s control over.
I’m so glad MB has responded, his help is brilliant.
My friend told me a lot about his own mother after she died. He was watching her and aware of her and her feelings throughout their 40 years of living together after his break. I doubt she knew any of this. He got closer to her only after she became very ill and he had to step in when outside help was not available. I imagine from what he has told me that, although there were discussions from time to time, he was not close at all prior, and that he likely made her and his late father’s lives pretty hellish. I get the impression that there can be a lot of pain and guilt the moments when some folks with SZ come up for air. As MB pointed out, you can be aware that you are deeply wounding someone you love but still feel compelled to behave the way you do, much like in adolescence. From what I have observed, the biggest brunt and worst abuse is correlated with the degree of closeness. I doubt that is much comfort if you are feeling ignored or worse, but in a way it’s an acknowledgement of how important you actually are to him.
I have not seen that series. I will have to watch it. Thank you for your feedback. I didn’t think of it that way. I mean, I do try by never speaking on his diagnosis, or asking about his treatments, but I thought that asking if he was feeling okay from time to time was a sign of love without me saying I love you.
There have been so many times when he seems more open to talking with me that I have wanted to politely and lovingly ask him what his reason is for not saying I love you to his family anymore, but I have always been afraid to push him away further. I just hope it’s not due to some negative story he has made in his head about us. I am happy to have connections when I do, and I always tell myself that he must feel comfortable with us, as he still lives with us, comes to us sometimes for advice or to spark up small convos, and eats with us sometimes. I guess I will just take what I get from that and know that inside he cares, he just can’t show it. Thank you!
Years ago, another diagnosed, medicated forum member told us that his parents made him feel bad about himself because they were always longing for his prior self. His statement made quite the impression on me, I didn’t want to add my sorrows to Mike’s life.
I agree. It’s not just people with MI who aren’t comfortable expecting or expressing love in words. Love is shown in many non-verbal ways. We have to learn to see them and cherish them as much as the words unspoken.
Yes. I never show my sadness. I keep that smile on my face with him always. The tears, if they happen, are shed in the shower or closet. I would never want him to feel guilty about something he can’t change.
That closeness paradoxically may have some bearing on this, if you were closer with him than other family members prior to onset. Often times the primary contact or emotional support receives the brunt of lashing out during and after decompensation or may be a primary subject of florid delusions during psychotic breaks.
For example, during my break, I’d formed the delusion that my mother had died in a car accident after she had killed much of the rest of my family. When she called me while authorities were figuring out what to do with me, I believed it to be spliced together out of recordings. And when she appeared in person I told her I didn’t want to talk to a ghost (to me, she was an imposter). I’m leaving out details here, but suffice it to say I don’t share this information with my family, and most especially her, as revealing her villain status in my delusion could only lead to additional suffering.
I guess what I’m saying is there may be internal mechanisms or history in play that has less to do with anything you did or didn’t do, and more to do with his illness and how he’s coping with recovery. And these may be difficult for him to articulate or even understand. I remember a new coworker who just happened to join my company while I had an active low level conspiratorial delusion going on. For a year or so I’d imagined him as working against me or having an issue with me, but in truth, we just didn’t know each other and didn’t have much cause for interaction. Later I worked with him, and over time I decided I’d misjudged him, but it took some time for my delusional misperceptions to fall away.
At the same job, I’d worked with a team of people who would occasionally field internal support issues in addition to our usual duties. In these we’d observed a phenomenon that we could give the same advice to workers for the same issue, but they’d only respond or be reassured if certain team members gave out the advice. It happened often enough that we understood it was just a fact of life and we tried not to take it personally.
No, I don’t think you should never ask him this. But I think you should do it sparingly and perhaps more open-endedly. Asking if he’s feeling okay might imply to him that you feel something is wrong with him or that being quiet isn’t allowed. Better to say something like, “how’s your day going?” or an observation like “my you’re quiet, I guess you have a lot on your mind.” Another thing I would encourage is genuine and heartfelt praise about things you observe about his progress. Like spending time with his grandmother or his brother or for thanking you for folding his laundry. If he’s anything like I was in recovery, he’s likely down on himself and focusing on getting through the day without messing up somehow, so well placed and meaningful compliments can mean a lot.
Thank you so much for your feedback. I am so grateful for your advice. 
It IS sad when someone we love distances themselves from us. But the more freedom you give him the more likely he will be to re-engage with you. He is achieving some good things.