They let her out of the hospital after about 3 days, and she came here with the police to pick up her stuff and her car. That was Thursday night and from what I have gathered her family is unable to communicate with her.
I talked to a nurse on Thursday morning and he told me that she was still psychotic and that she would be there for a 30 day hold. A few hours latter i was told that they could not tell me anything due to the protective order I had gotten. I think the first nurse has probably violated HIPAA laws which if head actually correct I wouldn’t have minded. Now I am furious, if something happens to her because she was released in a psychotic state can the hospital be held liable? Also note that I had talked to a financial rep about insurance earlier that day and was told that they were out of network.
The kids have been doing amazing these past few days, it really helps having family that can come out here to help.
She is at her uncle’s house in CA. He has the insurance info for her, and I am going to find providers in CA for her to see, not sure if she will be willing to see them or not. I will have to leave that up to the Uncle to deal with. At least she is somewhere safe, now I have to start figuring a way for me and the kids to move forward, luckly we have tons of support from my family, so I think things will work out.
I told the uncle that if she gets treatment in CA or her home country Pakistan I would be willing to add a stipulation that if she is getting care she can skype/phone the kids. No matter what happens, I don’t think I’m comfortable with her seeing the kids until she has a few years of treatment. I’ll see what happens with that.
Tomorrow is the court date for making the protective order more ‘permanent’. I put it in quotes because, it is somewhat permanent for me, but not quite as permanent for the kids.
Initially I got a temp protective order that lasted between the time she was served and the time that the court date is. During this time my kids have been on vacation in CA with my mom and siblings, having a great time going to judo and some 3-d printing camp.
I also have a therapist appt. for my son when he gets back at a place that has a lot of experience with mental illness. After his appointment, we will schedule an appointment for my daughter and continue treatment for my son as well. I’m also hoping that they can recommend me to a good therapist as well. As much as I used to be against this sort of help, I’ve come around to the fact that sometimes things are so traumatic that you need professional help.
So, back to the protective order, since it is an adult protective order (she has a domestic abuse charge that she pleaded guilty to, without that, things would be much more questionable) it doesn’t cover the kids for longer than 150 days. The 150 days is to give me enough time to file for custody of the children, which I plan to do immediately.
It’s been really hard, I know that I had to do this, but I can’t stop thinking that it could have been handled with less mess. On the other hand, I’m really glad not to have heard from her, she is always so apologetic and nice sounding when she wants to come back, and it is hard for me to contrast that with the verbal abuse that I’ve heard from her over the past several years.
How screwed up are things when you keep trying to apologize for a person who has threatened to kill your children? Why am I still concerned for her and her well being? Will it ever go away?
I think that you still care shows your character. You probably believe (as I do) that love never fails, and that love is not just a feeling but a responsibility. It sounds as if you are doing all you can in a tragic situation. If only life was clear cut and there were easy answers, but alas that is not the case. Prayers for your strength and wisdom.
Oh man I wish I could hug though a computer. Am currently in the same situation as you with my mother however our situation happened over a much quicker period of time. She was diagnosed almost a year ago and in that year she refuses to believe we are her children ( there are three of us , myself who is 21, my sister who is 23, and my brother who just turned 18) , and she is actively trying to destroy my fathers life. She has lied several times about him being “abusive” and claimed that he has spent the last 24 years of their marriage ruining her life. We actually just went to court yesterday where she had an outburst to the judge when she tried to put a restraining order on my father. The judge dismissed the case on a count of the knew our family background now. She is on probation for hitting a police officer multiple times in the face, and my father. My relationship is destroyed with her possibly for the rest of our lives. She refuses to believe anything is wrong with her, has been hospitalized multiple times. sad part about schizophrenia is a lot of our stories are all the same just a few minor details different. You are not alone and I just want you to know you absolutely made the right choice. I just wish I could get my dad to read this so he can follow in your footsteps. He’s not quite ready yet, but I think after yesterday he may be ready to finally divorce her. I applaud you for your courage and even though I can’t ever tell you to stop feeling guilty, I can tell you that what I’ve learned from this situation is to never for guilty for any emotions you feel from this situation. You are allowed to be angry, you’re allowed to be sad, you’re allowed to be frustrated, and above all you’re allowed to move on and live a happy life. We as the family members never asked for this, neither did the one suffering from schizophrenia. Sometimes when all else fails, we must let life take its course and let go of trying to control the situation. You’re doing great, hang in there, and trust me when I say this, your kids will thank you forever for your decision. You saved them from a world of pain and heartache. Much love to you!
Hello everybody, I’ve been reading your replies, but it’s taken me a while to respond due to the pressure I’ve been under.
First of all, I would like to thank many of you:
SurprisedJ: I’ve read so many of your posts in the last several years. You are a constant inspiration for me. You have given me hope that if an ill person understands and tries, they can live a life that is so much better than my ex-wife has experienced. Hearing from people that have a similar illness to my ex-wife, but have managed to treat it, understand and sympathize with my position has given me hope that one day my ex-wife will understand the actions I had to take. I know that it is difficult and that it may not always happen, but if she can get help one day she will not consider me a monster who has ruined her life.
notmoses: Fantastic advice, I really appreciate it. You gave me insight to what my kids may have been feeling without ever telling me. You also scared the hell out of me with the whole sz is genetic, which I don’t think is a bad thing. I now have my kids in therapy so that if the sz genes do start to cause issues I hope my kids will be able to be in a position similar to SurprisedJ as opposed to my ex-wife. On the issue of co-dependency, I will have to disagree with you. I looked through the website and read some of the documents they had online. I don’t think I meet the criteria of a co-dependent, perhaps I was a bit too empathetic to her plight, and it may have come at the expense of myself and my children. But I’ve been constantly trying to find help for her, I don’t think I’ve been enabling her to make myself feel better.
Asjay: You may not be able to give hugs through the computer, but reading your post made me feel like someone was comforting me. Perhaps it was timing, perhaps it was your point of view which could be similar to my kids when they are your age. But whatever it was, your post made a huge difference to me in the way I look at my situation. Thank you so much for your kind words. It has really helped out tremendously.
I really feel for you… Well done and doing everything you can for her and for your children
I sympathise… My point of view for her is quite a sad one because I know that without my family I would be in the same state
However having had a schizophrenic sister who died after 14 years of unremitting psychosis I realise that some people fall by the way side
There is so little you can do for a psychotic person
Short of a locked ward and months of care… Helped by a team of people long-term in a secure state is the only thing that got me better… I am so lucky… My sister has two years in that situation and didn’t heal so that illness can be even crueller than it has been for me personally
I always run the list by people because co-dependence is so common it’s almost a cultural norm now. If you’re balancing interventions with respect for boundaries and avoiding the Rescue and Persecute corners on the Karpman Drama Triangle, you’re doing a fine and dandy job. And the more I read, the more it sounds like you’re doing as well as anyone could ask.
But if a parent does what he or she can to reduce stress in the home, the odds that the genes will “present themselves” in their children’s behavior is greatly reduced.