Sad, feel like I was wrong

Sorry if I don’t reply to your posts, I do read them and care. Last week my neighbor smoked a ton of meth and the dogs and I got high. One of the two dogs, the Labrador, keeps craving more by barking in the middle of the night and getting agitated when he hears the neighbors talk. My mom told me to stay away from those types growing up, but today I was reading something a friend wrote online that people who aren’t treated fairly often are more likely to turn to harmful behaviors. I favor the small dog and let her sleep on my bed while the lab sleeps in the living room. Maybe he can overcome his addiction with more love and support from family. I told him he was our furrever pal and gave him some steak. I feel the same with our neighbors. The foster kids my neighbor has are turning into addicts before the age of 10. I definitely feel like I’m being targeted at this point as well so I need to be careful. I haven’t dated in four years now and, being 31, hope to find a date eventually. I think my family wants me to have kids. I went to a private high school and they really molded me from the first semester as someone who is cold and to not let my feelings show out. Don’t cry when something bad happens, don’t trust easily, be outgoing, etc. Today I went grocery shopping and got some bread and juice and egg tarts. Hope your day’s been good. I think you should forgive the things people say when they’re psychotic and realize they are conscious through everything they’ve been through and it is processed in the heart. They still love their family and are the same person only they now deal with the lies in their head.

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Too scary… for some reason more people in the neighborhood are doing drugs and I’m walking a tightrope trying to avoid addiction. The Labrador who got high last week seems to be agitated lately. He’s always had a playful/wild side to him. It just scares me, once you’re addicted they have complete power over you and they’re no longer the cute, happy, and good puppy they used to be. They become slaves to the drugs and there’s no way to protect them and provide them with the happy life every dog deserves. My life since getting schizophrenia has been more bittersweet than most. I made friends, attended support group, and most of the time I wasn’t psychotic though I had relapses. I feel like schizophrenia shares this in common with drugs. It also has the potential to drag you into a nightmare world you might never come out of again. Sometimes a friend who lives in a group home likes to talk about how she used to be popular and was part way through getting her college degree. It’s not just the illness but also the way you’re treated and tossed from one institution to another. I also feel that sometimes friends accidentally paint each other as the villain when we disagree on something, etc. I feel like most of the friends I made in group were women. I have a couple male friends but I tend to find women are higher functioning and easier to talk to. But I’m starting to learn their story. Since elementary school, I was selected for the gifted and talented class. Maybe some of these mentally ill guys could’ve become princes, but their hopes were cut short by bullying for their disability or freak like traits, their mental illness stopped their dreams, and they’re stuck in the role of delinquent, pig, dunce, etc. My dad really wants me to marry. He is sort of an alpha male. He got a masters in Computer Science and works in the military. I think that maybe there never was a real competition for some. The upper class gets the good jobs and the lower class are molded into criminals, losers, etc. Somehow it is labeled as their own fault they weren’t good enough.

Hang in there, sounds like you are dealing with a lot.
Hope your dogs are doing all right. They can really provide good company. We have a 15-year-old mixed breed and a 4 month old puppy. They provide so much companionship, but also some stress due to barking and other mischief.

I will be thinking of you. You sound like a really thoughtful and caring person.

On the bright side, tomorrow is the weekend. I would like to go to Honolulu to get a sweet soup from the Taiwanese dessert shop that just opened there. It is a long bus ride from where I live but it helps me get rid of my delusions by looking at surroundings, etc. Wish there was more to do. Mom gets home Wednesday. I miss my relatives. I remember sitting at the restaurant as a kid and my uncle saying he wants to celebrate my marriage one day. I still have hopes of dating again. I hope that we fight our inner demons and the ending will not be an endless nightmare for those who got addicted or have hardship. Right now I’m alright but the lab goes crazy at the smell of the neighbor’s narcotics. He’s been wailing and barking all day.

Had a good day. Got curry at the mall and just got home. For some reason an old guy was bothering me at the bus stop again but it is getting boring and I figure I am more interested in getting my boba craving fixed. The mall took 2 hours to arrive by bus so I only visit once in a while. Tomorrow I think I will stay home and do more cleaning. I know I already said this, but I want to be more open to learning about my guy friends with mental illness. I really stayed away from one guy. He has schizophrenia and is overweight and not high functioning. He cleans classrooms part time. But some of my girl friends seem to think he is cool and invite him out on birthdays, etc. I want to know what they see in him. His demeanor, appearance, and poor speech are probably the result of the illness, years of bullying and misfortune, etc. I feel like all that they ever want from the world is a soul mate but it’s kind of predictable and wanting something isn’t going to make a girl like you. I wish I could do a fair analysis so that I have to put in the least effort possible, if that makes sense. I find every guy wants a girl who is young, pretty, creative, smart, and nice. I often feel that I side heavily with women. I didn’t have good luck with dating myself. I dated someone from my high school for four years but felt he wasn’t good enough. After I got schizophrenia, I at first had no friends and turned to online dating. He was a security guard and sometimes didn’t shower. Turns out part of the reason I wasn’t interested is because I prefer guys from gen z. They seem to treat girls better. My dad took the lab out hiking today. I hope he feels better. Someone online says we are often one step away from tragedy.