Schizophrenia sucks!

Family
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I’m a Mom to a 17 year old that has schizophrenia. It all started almost 2 years ago when he had a psychotic break while SMOKING WEED. I thought weed was ok and it is for most people, but for some it is not for some it is a gateway to a debilitating illness like Schizophrenia.

I can not explain to you the hell I’ve been through with him these last 2 years in dealing with a my son who was so ill he didn’t even know he was ill. I suddenly became my first name possessed by a demon above my head who controlled me and I was no longer Mom. I was the Mom to my son who spit in his food and hid nanny cams in her house to spy on him. I was the Mom who looked like spoke like Satan for the last 2 years. I was enemy number 1.

I watched my son slip into total insanity where he went to bathroom and showered in the dark because he thought people were videoing him. I was the person he looked at and said I know you…you were at the Gates of Heaven when God kicked you out.

I listened for months as my son believed he was in an incarnated Angel walking the streets while his wings sparkled in the sun and for months he asked me to describe what his wings looked like even though I told him countless times he doesn’t have wings BECAUSE HE ISN’T AN INCARNATED ANGEL.

Can we talk about the many many moons I cried myself to sleep because my son was psychotic but not psychotic enough to get hospitalized in the state of Oregon. He would scream at me for hours on end for me to die and to burn to burn to burn to burn for an ever eternity. But he wasn’t a harm to himself or a harm to me so the 6 or 7 times I called the police they left without my son and let me know that I could kick him out when he was 18. hopelessness!

We did however get recommended to an early diagnosis program for psychosis and he slowly volunteered to go and over the course of a year and half my son pulled himself out of total freaking mental insanity and found Jesus! And Jesus was our savior because slowly but surely he became better- THANK YOU GOD! at this time he still refused he was mentally ill and refused meds of all kind.

BUT…AND THIS IS A BIG BUT…it didn’t cure what was wrong. I was still NOT Mom but my son started coming around and he was able to function at a level of insanity like he was still crazy but he started going to Church and he got a girlfriend and he made friends and he was listening to music and got the best grades he has had in his entire life in June of 2019.

BUT…he was still sick. We would argue continuously AND he was still saying some really insane things but he was functioning. And then summer hit and a terribly tragic thing happened that pulled the scab off whatever little freaking sanity he had and now…here we are.

Here we are on Zyprexa 10 mg a day and to my son I am now Mom. My son realizes that because of this traumatic event that took place (he started hallucinating and hearing voices loudly) how entirely delusional he has been.

But why I am writing…is that the selfish part of me…wants the crazy bubbly son back who was bouncing all over the place and spending oodles amount of time with his girlfriend and listening to music and dancing and going to church all the time TO A ZOMBIE ON MY COUCH.

Dealing with him being on Geodon and getting freakish side effects to switching to Abilify to getting more freakish side effects to now Zyprexa --constant drowsiness and lack of motivation to do anything.

I’m selfish. I want my son back. I want him to be out enjoying life HAVING A LIFE. I cry writing this.

He looks at me and says I have a debilitating illness Mom. And my heart breaks. WHY? WHY?

Here are the things I need to be grateful for…HE TAKES HIS MEDS RELIGIOUSLY. He is terrified of not being on them and hallucinating or hearing voices. He is not mean anymore and that he isn’t doing drugs.

I need to be grateful that when he misses church that he has a clear mind (sort of) and a love for God that still speaks truth.

And I need a hope for the future…that despite this illness he WILL AND CAN HAVE A FULLFILLING LIFE.

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hi and welcome.

I’m sorry for your grief
i know that first episode schizo and the health system’s practically regulated against the people who need it. well done finding a doctor for him…
meds are a great thing i’m glad to hear that he is compliant. without that there is very little chance of help from the MH services.

I’m the eldest of 3 schizophrenic sisters.

I have had a very fulfilling life
after my first episode I was incapable of anything
on my mums couch first, and holidays with a guy in Marseille - couple years later in a shared place - all i could do was feed myself and go to AA and one youth club as adult careing role or work in a charity shop

I guess nothing can be hoped for better than i have these days, loving husband - taking care of the house and food etc

very slowly i am capable of so much more but I’ll not work again (in a shop for 6 months) (in organic veg harvest for 6 months)

telling you my life story because it’s a long term story of someone who has and have had almost everything …

I’ve tried so many careers (through studying and then taking on too much and ended up in hospital)
or becoming non compliant - which is so dangerous

i did not have the motivation at first
the first episode made me a total couch potato

I recognise that he is recovering from first episode… but his first episode sounds to be a pretty strong version…

This is probably a phase
the work ethic is very strong sometimes
but the achievements are not really huge because of ‘the stress vulnerability model’

I’ve done loads I’m 45.

but i won’t have a child - work full time - or that kind of thing. I have to be careful

i hope this gives you some hope

i remember that phase

  • see if you can get him into reading or volunteering
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Of course you give me hope! Hearing any person with schizophrenia and any of the subtypes who have a functioning life gives me immense amount of hope for my son.

I guess it is really realizing the limitations within the disease that sounds like you know the boundaries of what you can and can not do.

One thing I do know that this reminds me of…I read somewhere that taking meds and keeping stress to a minimum are crucial for long term “recovery”…perhaps him sitting on the couch is keeping stress at bay while his mind recovers from this total bout of psychosis we just went through. Its nice to say we went through instead of he went through because in a way IT IS a family disease.

Peace and grace to you!!

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I am trying to hold back tears as I write this. I too long for my DD to have some, any resemblances of the loving young woman she once was. It breaks my heart to realize the suffering so many have to walk through. We too are avid Bible readers and follow the teaching carefully. It has been a double edged sword but I know God can look into her broken mind and see the person she can be and the love she has for him-even though her beliefs now are so odd. It’s hard to hear her harsh words that we don’t love God, but I just try to throw my burdens on him. That’s all I can do. May you find comfort from Philippians 4:7…

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Oh how I know the biting words that sting from our children’s MI. Grace be with you always-amen!

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You have been on a journey that is a marathon not a spring! We understand your pain and grief over loss! Have you tried finding a support group such as NAMI or FreshHope? Both of those offer support for family members and for the person living with a mental illness. We cannot solve all problems but there IS hope for a better future.

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I’m a mum and have watched my son struggles with psychosis. It has been over 2 years since been on the maximum dose of Clozapine. It takes a while for Clozapine to work with stabilisation. This is a long, difficult and complicated journey for my son and I as a mum. Let me tell you that we are stable and going forward. Please stick by your son and be his strength and please know you will get there, just got to keep staying strong. It can take a few years for some. Sending love to you both. xoxo

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