I’m a Mom to a 17 year old that has schizophrenia. It all started almost 2 years ago when he had a psychotic break while SMOKING WEED. I thought weed was ok and it is for most people, but for some it is not for some it is a gateway to a debilitating illness like Schizophrenia.
I can not explain to you the hell I’ve been through with him these last 2 years in dealing with a my son who was so ill he didn’t even know he was ill. I suddenly became my first name possessed by a demon above my head who controlled me and I was no longer Mom. I was the Mom to my son who spit in his food and hid nanny cams in her house to spy on him. I was the Mom who looked like spoke like Satan for the last 2 years. I was enemy number 1.
I watched my son slip into total insanity where he went to bathroom and showered in the dark because he thought people were videoing him. I was the person he looked at and said I know you…you were at the Gates of Heaven when God kicked you out.
I listened for months as my son believed he was in an incarnated Angel walking the streets while his wings sparkled in the sun and for months he asked me to describe what his wings looked like even though I told him countless times he doesn’t have wings BECAUSE HE ISN’T AN INCARNATED ANGEL.
Can we talk about the many many moons I cried myself to sleep because my son was psychotic but not psychotic enough to get hospitalized in the state of Oregon. He would scream at me for hours on end for me to die and to burn to burn to burn to burn for an ever eternity. But he wasn’t a harm to himself or a harm to me so the 6 or 7 times I called the police they left without my son and let me know that I could kick him out when he was 18. hopelessness!
We did however get recommended to an early diagnosis program for psychosis and he slowly volunteered to go and over the course of a year and half my son pulled himself out of total freaking mental insanity and found Jesus! And Jesus was our savior because slowly but surely he became better- THANK YOU GOD! at this time he still refused he was mentally ill and refused meds of all kind.
BUT…AND THIS IS A BIG BUT…it didn’t cure what was wrong. I was still NOT Mom but my son started coming around and he was able to function at a level of insanity like he was still crazy but he started going to Church and he got a girlfriend and he made friends and he was listening to music and got the best grades he has had in his entire life in June of 2019.
BUT…he was still sick. We would argue continuously AND he was still saying some really insane things but he was functioning. And then summer hit and a terribly tragic thing happened that pulled the scab off whatever little freaking sanity he had and now…here we are.
Here we are on Zyprexa 10 mg a day and to my son I am now Mom. My son realizes that because of this traumatic event that took place (he started hallucinating and hearing voices loudly) how entirely delusional he has been.
But why I am writing…is that the selfish part of me…wants the crazy bubbly son back who was bouncing all over the place and spending oodles amount of time with his girlfriend and listening to music and dancing and going to church all the time TO A ZOMBIE ON MY COUCH.
Dealing with him being on Geodon and getting freakish side effects to switching to Abilify to getting more freakish side effects to now Zyprexa --constant drowsiness and lack of motivation to do anything.
I’m selfish. I want my son back. I want him to be out enjoying life HAVING A LIFE. I cry writing this.
He looks at me and says I have a debilitating illness Mom. And my heart breaks. WHY? WHY?
Here are the things I need to be grateful for…HE TAKES HIS MEDS RELIGIOUSLY. He is terrified of not being on them and hallucinating or hearing voices. He is not mean anymore and that he isn’t doing drugs.
I need to be grateful that when he misses church that he has a clear mind (sort of) and a love for God that still speaks truth.
And I need a hope for the future…that despite this illness he WILL AND CAN HAVE A FULLFILLING LIFE.