I haven’t been on a in awhile as a lot of things have changed. I moved out of my house, away from my mother inlaw who has dementia, who, by the way, ended up in a nursiing home. My husband and I have been living apart since January as he was kicked out of my mother inlaw’s house by my sister inlaw for being arrested for vandalism. My original intent was to get a place for the 3 of us to live, him, me and my son. But as the months went on, I started to realize that living with him would not be the best environment for my son. In the three years since his diagnoses, he has been on the revolving door to hospitals every six months and with each committment, his issues were getting worse to the point he was bringing the police to our house. And at one point, I have child services to my house to make sure my son was living in a safe environment.
I told my husband about a month and a half ago that I wanted to be seperated, that I didn’t feel he was safe to live with anymore. And that his lack of getting help with a program, lack of insight was making things worse for our family. He wasn’t happy and neither am I. This isn’t what I signed up for 14 years ago when I said “I do”. I never dreamed in a million years that we would be seperated and I am planning to contact an attorney to get a divorce. I can’t go on living in fear that he will do something so bad that I could lose my son over it. He has never harmed my son, but he has harmed him indirectly by bringing on the trouble he has brought on to himself.
He didn’t show up for court and now has a warrant out for his arrest. He swears up and down that he has a lawyer but I know he doesn’t because he cannot afford one. He told me he has a new doctor and i don’t believe that either. And I know he is out of meds so it is just a matter of time before he ends up in the hospital again.
I am typing tonight because I feel heartbroken for him. I feel sad that a man like him has had his life taken away from him due to this illness. I feel bad that he believes the things that he tells me. And I feel bad that he is facing his life by himself without his family. I have done everything I can for him over the last 3 years and there isn’t much more I can do. I have constantly been the enemy, the person he isolates from, the person he screams at when I beg him to get help, the person who has to face the neighbors after he has vandalized their property, the person who isn’t suppose to leave when things get bad.
I picked him up today and took him to cash his disablilty checks so he has money for motel rent, food, laundy, etc. He said so many things to me today that I know is untrue, but he believes all of it and I don’t have it in me anymore to disagree or try to explain things to him as it all falls on deaf ears and creates nothing but an argument.
I feel guilty for giving up! I feel guilty that my son doesn’t live with his Dad anymore! thanks for listening!