I’m sharing this with a heavy heart. Burdened down with not knowing what to do. My daughter and grandsons live 7 hrs away. She is divorced and is a full time nurse. For the first time ever, she said she needed my help! We have always been very close and she is my best friend and advocate for my son/her brother. So I prayed and asked God for direction on moving. We went down for a visit during Christmas. During that time I noticed that my son was having issues with my oldest grandson who is 12. My son was saying that my grandson was saying things to him like “you’re stupid” “faggot” “I don’t want you around here”. None of this ever came out of my grandsons mouth! He is a very gentle soul who loves his uncle very much and to the best of his ability, understands my son’s illness. Even to the point of trying to explain it to his friends. At one point, my son came walking thru the living room and purposely feel on him but tried to say it was an accident. Later he admitted that he heard him say something about him and fell on him in an effort let him know he heard it. I was in the room and my grandson never said anything about him! It was an hallucination. My son has always cherished his nephews! But now that the oldest is becoming “a man” my son is starting to have these hallucinations. Just like he does with ALL men!! The youngest grandson is 5 and my son doesn’t have any issues with him yet. Notice I said “yet”!! I don’t know how to convince him that his nephews love him soooo much and would never say anything bad about him and that we…myself, my daughter and his nephews love him unconditionally and would defend him to anyone who dared speak against him!! I’m just starting to see this animosity towards the oldest and it’s the same type of behavior that my son exhibits to ALL men!! So now I’m feeling stuck! I don’t want to move to the same town as my daughter and grandsons if it is going to cause friction between them and possibly damage my grandsons! But at the same time, my heart is breaking bc I want to be close to them and my daughter has asked for my help! She is a very strong lady and to ask for help is a big thing coming from her. But she, too, doesn’t want any problems to develop. So again I say I feel stuck!!! Trapped in this house with my sz/bpd son. No support system here! My parents live with my sister now. (Not that they ever come to visit us anyway) My sister lives 15 miles away and will not come over, neither will any of my nieces and nephews and their kids bc they are afraid an evil spirit will jump on them!!! So day in and day out it’s just me and him. I want so badly to be near my daughter and grandsons so that I can be there for baseball, and first girlfriend and prom … you know what I’m talking about. But if my son is going to continue acting this way, I don’t think I can subject them to that!! Which leaves me trapped here in this hell! He is getting the invega susteena shot twice a month and it is not helping!!! His dr’s won’t talk to me bc of patient confidentiality and my son won’t allow me to be his medical poa. I talked with my daughter just now and she said that if we moved down there and my son started saying things then it would definitely cause problems bc she is very protective of her sons! As she should be!! But it’s just not fair to ME or THEM that bc of my son’s illness, he is basically running the show!! And she also agreed that if he was put in some group Home, which all my family seems to think he should be, that he would not survive. His fear of abandonment is legit! His father abandoned them when they were very young. Which is also why he has problems with ALL men! I’m so sad right now and exhausted! My brain can’t think anymore and the sound of the cage door locking is deafening to me!!! I don’t see a way out and hope is quickly fading!! I NEED my daughter and grandsons in my life bc I have no one else! But I also NEED to protect them from my son!! I’m slowly losing my mind!! Here is what I’ve done to help my son… he goes to counseling twice a month, gets his shot twice a month, pharmacy only gives him his meds (Effexor, lithium, Percocet and Xanax) once a week, we go to meetings at nami, we attend church via fb live since he doesn’t do well in public. I’m at my ropes end here and am open to any suggestions y’all might have that I haven’t thought of. If you’ve read down this far…thank you for bearing with me as I vented while trying to figure this out! I’m trying not to end up where I was last June when I attempted to end my own life bc I saw no way out!!!
we all are.
I’m sorry for the place you are in right now, and that I cannot think of any “solutions” at the present time. Others may though…who are more experienced than I am.
You’re not alone…
(I am familiar with the isolation…)
Maybe you can try to bring up a durable PoA before the move? “Just in case he gets lost in a new city and you need a way to find him.”
I think it’s reasonable to want to be there for your other child and you can explain it to him in those words. I think a move could work depending on how close you are (closer than 7 hours, but maybe not close enough for him to travel to his sister’s on his own). He can always stay at home when you visit your daughter during the day if he can’t keep the peace. I imagine if he thinks his nephews are saying rude things he might not be interested in visiting anyway.
We are all listening, and empathizing as we all feel that in some way! You are not alone. But unfortunately, there are no easy answers. The only thing that I can think of is that if you do move closer to your daughter, which in my opinion is what you should do, live on the opposite end of town. Try to keep some distance between your son and your grandkids as his delusions may escalate and of course you want to protect all involved here. Then you would be able to go visit on your own, with your son at home and away from them for now. I wish it was simple for you…for all of us. We are (most of us) isolated to some extent and feel trapped. But you deserve to have a life too…to find some happiness in all of this. There has to be a way!
Sheyelo, I am sorry you are feeling stuck right now. Everyone of us have felt stuck at one point or the other between spouses between friends and even people who don’t have MIL are stuck in decisions sometimes.
It’s important for you to know that you were not alone and we are here. A solution will come and praying is not a bad idea. I think you’re very wise in looking at what can happen if this behavior of your son continues. It might also not be possible for him to alter that behavior. I know I’m telling you something you already know.
I really hope that you find a person or two to get out and do something with so that you don’t feel so isolated. I know that the minute I feel like I’m a prisoner, by bars get tighter and closer together metaphorically speaking of course. This can be true with anything really, work, husband, children, but it is also very true when we are in a situation we cannot change.
I think you’d like to be closer to your daughter and that she wants your help is wonderful. If you made that step and your son did start acting up, he would not be allowed there possibly. Would that be a deal breaker or would you just visit by yourself or take him and watch him?
God bless your decision. I do think if we ask and not jump into things, God will reveal a plan. I pray that for you right now.
Thank y’all for listening and for your continued support!! I agree with not living too close! We were looking at the house right across the street from them that is for sale but that fell through… I believe God shut that door! But I strongly believe being close to them is where I’m supposed to be! Just at the place of His choosing and I’m His timing! I’ve devoted the last 13 years to my son and his mental illness and will continue to do so. However, I do have another child, my daughter, that although doesn’t suffer from mental illness, does suffer from ocd and depression. And bc she has joint custody of her boys, is unable to just up and move back home. So I have a responsibility to give her the same kind of support I’ve given to her brother! I will continue to pray for God’s wisdom and guidance as I navigate through these treacherous times. Trusting that He has the answers and will open the doors and clearly direct my path forward! (And that is so easy to say but very hard to actually do when my sz/bpd son is on the attack!) As I’m sure you are all familiar with! I love and pray for all of us and our families!! Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone!! ️ PS: thankfully my son, who is 33, is not allowed to drive due to his meds!! So if/when we do move, he would not be able to just “pop” over! He would always be accompanied by either myself or my daughter!
I’m definitely listening and understand your situation, my son has the same hallucinations with men, he feels he’s not in control and they will take advantage of him. I have a teenage grandson as well, he’s off n on with conversations and engaging him. Lately there is constant talk about people, mainly men and some that are celebrities fighting him or cussing at him. My family and friends don’t appear to understand, at least very little support. I too was at a end at one time and felt very overwhelmed. My town has a crisis intervention and a travel team that meets with him 2-3 times a week. Crisis house will take my son for a week or 2 to get a break and help him deal with meds and get a different perspective on his thinking. Have you tried a mental health hotline, in my area it’s 211. continue to look for resources to help you cope. Keep sharing with drs and therapist that you need help. You have to set boundaries, it’s been difficult for me as well but it’s best for him to cope. He may have go to temporary group home to get stable, if you move do some homework on what is available in that area. I’m praying for your strength, its s heavy burden and heartbreaking but keep pressing forward, stay strong, take care. Keep posting it will help you get thru, this forum continues to bless me with powerful strength, sorry my response is so long.
Hi Sheyelo. Although the challenges never end, based on what I remember from your posts from months and months ago, it sounds like things are much less frightening and dangerous for you and your son. I really hope this is true. If it is, this is a really good thing and I’m so happy for you.
One thing I’m learning on this journey is that we have to accept that we didn’t cause this and we cannot fix it. We can only manage it. At the same time, we have to live our own lives, to maintain our own happiness. I know you know this.
I think you should go and be with your daughter. She’s important to you and you’ll only be on this planet once. Don’t waste the opportunity. When you get there, you’ll have to figure out ways to set boundaries and behavioral expectations for your son. I say do it. Go there. Be with your family. They will give you support.