For everyone that follows my posts I wanted to update you on the wonderful things that I have been seeing since Christmas between my sz son and my sza sister…
I think I explained how the holiday went and it went pretty well and I set up a plan starting in the new year of having my sza sister over once a month for a sleep over in an effort to get her further out of her “shut in” mode and to help begin to teach her more social skills of which she has hardly any.
The miracle that is happening though is that since Christmas, my sz son and my sza sister BOTH of who tend to hibernate and isolate and BOTH who usually avoid phone calls at all costs…have really connected with one another…they call each other regularly now …2 or 3 times in a week and return each others calls and really engage when they are on the phone together…
I swear I am still trying to wrap my mind on the reality of this great improvement…something I never thought I would see…not only is this progressing nicely but tonight my son called his estranged father (of all people) and had a brief conversation with him without me, before tonight my son could not talk to him by himself either because of anxiety or some other reason but he would ask me to talk to him on speaker (which I don’t like to do because I honestly have no interest in conversing with this guy beyond allowing my son to talk to him if he chooses to, as he has never been an active or involved parent EVER in his life and in my opinion is just not a very nice person…but my son has a big heart and knows no enemies so I allow him to stay in touch if he wants to since it is long distance anyway…
I was amazed that he chose to call and talk to him on his own after refusing to do it by himself for so many years…wow!..this is big…and I am so happy about it…communicating regularly on any level is so important…AND now my sz son and my sza sister have planned to walk across the street and have dinner together at the MCL Cafeteria next Wednesday when she comes for her first monthly sleep over…and then she and I will do some laundry and a little shopping and watch a movie before bed.
I feel more positive about these two beloved members of my family than I have in quite a long while…it is so rewarding to see growth when growth has been absent for so many years…and it appears they are very good for each other…so take heart and take hope all of my friends and never say never…and never give up…I know I say that a lot but it always bears repeating…Happy New Year!!
Not only do they deserve something positive, but so do you!
I’m so excited for them - please let us know how it goes. I’m truly interested, as I’m sure everyone else here will be as well.
Catherine, this is really great news! I’m happy for you, your son and your sister. This is an amazing improving for both of them. I’m so happy for you. If it weren’t for you, this would not be what it is - you’re the glue and you made it happen with your patience and kindness. Happy New Year and thank you for always sharing so openly - this makes me smile! ~~ hugs ~~
Wow! Amazing. At first I thought I was reading about myself since I have a son and sister with sz and there is an ex of mine who my son has now reconnected with. My son is doing amazing but I have no idea how to reconnect with my sister because she disowned the entire family years ago and sends hateful responses to anyone who tries to contact her. She is paranoid cz. If you have any suggestions how to reconnect, I’m all ears!
I guess my best idea is the one I used to reconnect with my sister which was to send her the happiest most simplistically written letters with a happy picture or some smiley stickers enclosed…I know this sounds kind of juvenile but I have found with the schizophrenics in my family…positive juvenile-ish approaches are okay because they work…just make sure that the letters are completely void of all potential conflict, blame or hardship almost as if there was no past to consider…nothing heavy…(I know it isn’t easy)
In the letters I wrote to my sister- I would ask how she is and tell her I hoped she was well, I would tell her I was doing well except for just missing her. I would also say I understand if she doesn’t want to talk or visit right now and that I respected her decision. I said whatever she chose to do had to be her decision and made in her own time whenever she felt it was right…I would reconfirm how much I loved her and maybe say that if I had ever done anything to upset her I was very sorry for that…then I would maybe bring up a happy or funny memory…like “remember that time when we were kids and we pretended we were “The Supremes” and stood on the living room sofa singing into our hairbrushes?” Then I would maybe include my thoughts on the weather or some other innocuous topic and I would even say that I admired her for being an “over comer” (truth is she hasn’t over come very much through the years but she would like to imagine she has) and I often subscribe to an AA philosophy of “Act as if” If you act as if sometimes it can actually come true…not always but it is worth the effort.
It took me about 6 months of letters (this time) I sent one every 1 or 2 weeks pretty faithfully and then she started writing back…not often but once in a while and every time I got a letter from her I wrote back a note telling her how happy and excited I was to hear from her and how good she sounded (even if she did not sound good) if she complained on anything I would say I am sorry you are having to deal with that but I know you will be able to handle it…(I knew no such thing) just because our loved ones stay ill for so long does not mean they don’t want to feel acknowledged as competent and capable and maybe that is a far stretch from reality in many cases- but if “acting as if” they are – brings our loved ones back into the fold and closer to us and gives us a real chance to reconnect…who cares? The time for real talk can come much later when a more solid relationship has been re-established and all of this takes a long time which is why I call all of my efforts with my son and my sister “labors of love”. Good luck. and Happy New Year. PS: after all of the letter writing I really did let her lead the way on when she wanted to visit and I always reconfirmed that everything had to be her decision and I monitored myself that I wasn’t applying pressure (gentle or otherwise) eventually she made it happen and I knew it was because she wanted to…now our relationship is evolving and I am trying to remain mindful of how I got it started so I can keep it going. (I still send her letters after she visits and tell her how glad I am she came and how much I enjoyed it)
This brings tears to my eyes too. For those of us who love all of our family there is no greater blessing than reconnection of our families! I so admire your persistance. I keep telling myself, “this is a marathon, not a sprint.” I logged on to find encouragement for the new year, and this is it!
Wow - you are a wonderful sister Catherine. I’m learning from you how to communicate better with my daughter and I’ve been dealing with this for a very long time. We can always learn to be better people and advocates. Thank you for all your uplifting posts.
That’s amazing! Positive things are going to happen in 2017 and the years to come! God bless you and your loved ones. Happy New Year to you and my Scz forum family!
Catherine,
I am so happy for you and for your son and sister. I believe there is a great deal of benefit that can come from one feeling accepted, appreciated, and loved exactly as they are. I think it is very healing.
Thank you for holding the space for this healing to happen.
Blessings to you and your son and sister.
ILoveMySon
That is great for all of you…perhaps they can relate to each other and I believe that helps. Wish my son would go to support group, might make a friend.
Great to hear that things are going very well for your Son and your Sister. I am asking also for a miracle during this season. My son has been in the Hospital for 5 weeks now and he has an urgency feeling to leave.
