Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Unable to live with my son

My son is 21 and has been living with horrible disease since he was 18.

we have had 4 hospitalization each over a month in duration. We seem to be in a rut right now.
He is non med compliant, refuses to go to treatment and medication.

He has been in the hospital this time going on 4 weeks. He has not signed the release so I can not get any information from the staff on his treatment. he was seeing me but calling me horrible horrific names, telling me when he comes home I am not to talk to him, said he will videotape me and get a restraining order. He has been successful in getting restraining order to not to talk to him in the past.

His violence is escalating, burning holes in clothes, and the reason for the last hopsitalization is because he slashed tires and scratched my boyfriends truck.

Before his hopsitlization he was drinking heavily.

He will not let me schedule any services for him. Says he is 21 and I am out of his life now.

How can he come home under these circumstances, not talking to me, not doing what is asked. I am in fear for what his violence may escalate too. He will not admit to anything he is doing.

How can I have him come home, how can I send him to a shelter…

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I am sorry for your situation. I have a similar situation except my son will be 30 next month. He’s currently in extreme psychosis and is manic as well and has been for several days. My advice is to have the agency put him in a group home if they have space. Or, if you can gain guardianship over him, you might be able to get him into some services. My suggestion is to not let him return to your home. I know that sounds hard and harsh. It’s also really tough to do with a loved one. I wish you luck in finding a solution as I haven’t found one yet after almost 10 years.

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so sorry to hear , reach out to Nami , they can give good advise

I can relate to this so well and brings back memories from 5 years ago when my son was getting ready to come home after almost 3 months in the hospital. He was so young, 19 @ the time. Group homes were all full with a waiting list, and even if readily available, I don’t think I could have sent my son into one of them.

Best option for us was for him to have his own place. Thankfully his SSI kicked in, and it lightened the financial burden a bit. And so far, this arrangement is working, much to my surprise and relief. I think he likes having his own personal space, with no interference and no forced interaction. I check in on him daily, and he usually determines the amount of contact with me. I truly believe this gives him some sense of control over certain things in his life. My son also had a lot of underlying anger, and over time, it seems to have lessened alittle.

Hardest thing I’ve ever done, he was so young, but at the end of the day, I had to be mentally, emotionally, and physically well so I could be there for him. And sadly, my son & I living under one roof was not going to work. I think it would have done me in and made his condition worse. I wish I could say we would have lived together in harmony, but, no.

Is there a possibility that your boyfriend may be a trigger for him? Do they get along?

My only advice to you is that you need to be well and feel safe, so you can be there for your son. And you need to do whatever “that” is, to be well and safe.

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No, I have reached out to the states department of mental health, they have nothing available. They said a shelter.

I can’t do that right now, but I’m afraid with they way he is now, he will not take his meds, follow the rules and that is where he will end up. He said he want’s nothing to do with me, he is 21 and can make his own decisions.

With his illness, can he really? I don’t think so, I’m afraid he is going to end up on the streets, I will loose him, but ultimately that will be his decision.

He hates my boyfriend, hates that he is there. All my boyfriend ever did was try to step in an help.

He set limits, rules, which I never did. Now that I am my son is trying to manipulate me to get his way. He is very good at manipulation, guilt.

I also have similar stories from when my son was around that age. I got guardianship, which helped. My son resents it somewhat, but as he sees I don’t really force much other than med compliance, it has become less of an issue.
Even tho your boyfriend is trying to help, I would consider keeping them apart if he is currently a trigger for your son.

Although we can say all day long that the hospital should have an appropriate placement for your son before releasing him, and can’t force you to take him in, I have also been threatened with them giving taxi fare to get to the shelter.

If your son starts receiving SSI, and gets started on Medicaid, placments suddenly, magically become available. Not the GREATEST of placements, but better than a shelter.

After many frustrating years ; we are still trying to get my son help. He currently lives in motels and on the street. He went through the medication process once and absolutely refuses to do it again. We can’t have him live with us because of his violent delusions. He once attacked me from behind and would have killed me if my wife hadn’t thrown her body over me as he was kicking me in the face while I was knocked out. I was rushed to the emergency room with several broken bones and had a brain scan to check for internal swelling and bleeding. He does get SSDI of around $1400 per month because of his previous job. We are retired and live in a expensive beach community that we purchased over thirty years so we can’t afford a house or a rental for him nearby. I have offered to him a house or apt. out of state but he refuses. I have offered him $10,000 if he will go back to social services and get the medical treatment and housing that he needs ; but he refuses. He only wants me to buy him a camper van so that he can stay mobile. That’s not an option for us ; he should not be driving in his current state of mind. Our local police advised us to get a restraining order and hopefully a judge will force him into compliance once he violates the restraining order. So, that is what we did. Now we wait for him to show up again so we can call the police.Once again, depending upon their violent nature, be very careful. If you are dead, you can’t help them.

If I had it to do over again, I would have pressed charges against my daughter each time she became violent. Then, gone to court to ask the judge for his help to get her medically examined for meds for her diagnosis. It was ONLY through the legal system that she became med compliant. And ONLY because I went to court to see the judge, told him of her diagnosis, and then when he asked what help I needed I said medical help.

She physically attacked me twice early on in her 3 year illness, and I did not press charges. The police were at our home over 30 times in 2 years, trying to get her force hospitalized. Of 4 prior forced hospitalizations, NONE resulted in med compliance.

In looking backwards, I see that the times I simmered down a police encounter, did nothing to actually solve the situation.

The last police encounter happened away from home, and the arrest, the judge’s decision to force hospitalization with court ordered meds were my ticket to get in touch with the doctors and get her on a 30 day shot, which she is still on. I was near hopelessness just before her last arrest and the med compliance. She is doing SO well these last 6 months.

Even if your son won’t allow you to receive communication from his doctors, you CAN communicate with them. I used written faxes to state my opinion and sent them to the hospital each time. The last time, because of the court order to medicate, the doctors listened to me and put her on a long acting shot. It broke the psychosis finally.

I wish you luck sorting this scene out for yourself.


Hello, I do not know in which state you live. My son and I live in California. Three years ago, he was hospitalized for one month. Upon time of release, I said that he would not be able to return home. The hospital could not release my son without having a place to live. He was assigned a case worker in the hospital, and she went through her listing of board and cares. My son was placed into a good one which provides twenty-four hour supervision and residents must comply to their medication. In an environment with supervision, the residents all comply to taking their meds. Does your son receive disability benefits? If not, it would be easier to apply for disability while your son is still hospitalized. The attending psychiatrist should write a report supporting your son’s need to be on disability. I hope that this information helps. I wish you all the best!

Where do you live that he could obtain a restraining order that you can’t talk to him? I have never heard of such a thing. I obtained a restraining order against an ex-boyfriend who set my apartment on fire and THAT was hard to get until he called me a fu*&ing bitch in front of the judge. Immediately granted. I can 100% understand what you’re going through. My son assulted me and my husband during the summer of 2017. He was arrested and was away from us in a county juvenile facility then an “E” level home after that until the fall of last year. He came home with my husband completely against it, fighting me tooth and nail over it. He has been good, is med compliant, but has extreme sleep difficulties. He has night terrors and has since he was a little boy. Back to your situation, I would not see my son in shelter as I knew he couldn’t handle it. I brought him home. Maybe not the best situation and I am comtemplating separating from my husband to give my son a little more peaceful existence. In your case, no, if he is not med compliant, I think it would be asking for a disaster or tragedy to have him come home. Your personal safety has to be #1 concern. I am speaking from personal experience. Where I live, the mental health department has what they call PACT teams that consist of a peer, a therapist, a pscychiatrist, and other counterparts I can’t recall. They locate them to housing, maybe not the best place to live, but their own apt. from what I understand. They check on them daily to ensure they’re taking their meds and they teach them independent living skills (purchasing groceries, paying bills). I wanted to get my son in that program, but in the county we live in, they don’t have it. Plus a criteria to be accepted was to be in patient 3 times in the last year. He hasn’t been. Anyhow, my advice is continue to search to see what is available. I found things that I was completely unaware of. I was told one thing by one agency, then completely different by another, so check, re-check, double check the info you’re given. NAMI was not terribly helpful to me but that doesn’t mean they won’t be where you live. Give them a try. Anything mental health related, call them and see what they offer. That is what I did, leaving no stone unturned. Best of luck. I will be praying for your son and you.

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