Does anyone else just break down and cry uncontrollably at the most unexpected places / times when you think of your MI loved one? It happened to me tonight while grocery shopping. Something I saw reminded me of my son when he was a toddler. The tears just flowed as people looked @ me strangely. And to be honest, I really didn’t care. Let them think what they want, let them think I’m a weirdo.
This also happens when someone asks about my son or mentions his name. This is especially true when I run into parents of my sons former friends from school. This seems to hurt the most. All I can do is mumble that he is ok. I never ask them how their son/daughter is doing. I guess I don’t want to hear or know. It’s already beyond sad enough.
I’m not exactly new to this, he was diagnosed 4 years ago when he turned 20. I don’t believe I will ever get “used to this” nor will the intensity of my sadness diminish. I just handle it better on certain days, that’s all.
I know my wife does, I hear her sobbing every once in a while and I give her a hug. I feel sad, but I usually keep my feelings in…but sometimes it is hard to do so. It breaks my heart when I think of how my daughter hurts so. I am. It sure you really totally get used to it… I have heard that the grieving process is actually a cycle where we go through times when things are fine and then go back into the process all over again. Recently my daughter realized that she may need medication and she said “maybe you will have your happy Allie back.” I nearly lost it when she said that
I cry when I see my mom struggle to do something I knew she could do ten years ago before being diagnosed. I cry until I finally come to the point where I realize I should be happy she is still alive even if she isn’t fully here with me because it has taken so much from her.
@DianeR, yes he is, but as you know, with this illness they are only a fraction of who they were. They are here physically with us but not present in many other ways.
Yes - sometimes it just really sucks. My son works and watches movies. My goals for him is to get him to shower more that once a week and get his dishes into the dishwasher. Maybe he can become a movie critic. I still have to mention that.
@mbheart,
I understand what you are going through. I cry often in my private room and pray and beg God for help.
my contact is only with my Dad, my sister and my brother ( they do not have kids) and few friends. when other relatives with kids contact me, I try to make it the conversation so short and tell them that my Son is improving.
I cry more when my son calls from the facility and begs me to get him out from the facility. he gets delusional close to the time he is scheduled to get his monthly shot.
I know i cannot get it out yet because he is not stable enough and he is far from me.
I practically have to move to CA and buy a Condo and file a petition with the court that I want to care for him. I am planning to move to CA but waiting until he gets more stable.
Sometimes I feel that just want to pack and leave my house in Midwest and go to California and buy a small Condo and get him out of the facility and let me know come and stay with me.
but then, I stop and think and i remembered his words that he does not believe he needs the medicine. if I move to California and does not take the medicine, then what will happens to him!!
my brother who is a social worker told me then even if you buy him a big nice luxury house and he gets so sick, he would leave and wonder on streets
I feel I am defeated with whatever I do
but I still have hopes that he will get better in another year. I just Hope that I can just stay Healthy and alive until then…
@CAAR2016, your story is so heart wrenching! I cannot imagine my son begging me to just come home. I think I would lose my mind. As a mother, is there anything worse?
You mentioned he freaks out around the time that he is due for his injection, is he court ordered to take meds?
You are justified in your decision to wait until he is more stable. If he’s resisting meds, the repercussions of that can be disastrous. It is when they refuse or decide to come off of meds, the nightmare begins.
I’m hoping he will continue with his meds, and I’m hoping your little boy is stabilized permanently so that you may reunite with him again.
They will always be our little boys, right? No matter what age.
I also pray for my health, the last 5 years has changed me in so many ways, but especially mentally & emotionally. I no longer care that I don’t even look the same.
Hoping for alittle ray of light, however small, for all of us
Hello @mbheart,
My situation is a little different, but yes I can relate to uncontrollable sobbing. You might want to talk to a doctor, just in case, especially if the crying does not subside. I have learned from all of you on this forum, that we all have grief and it takes time, acceptance will come, each in his or her own way. I cried and sobbed daily for months after Lou was taken from us. You may know about my sons history. Now it’s different, still have sad moments, times like now, when I realize that Lou is never going to have a normal life. Our situation is opposie most parents on this site, one thing we all have in common is the grief, pain, sadness and tears.
Maybe sharing some of thoughts here can help, what is troubling you? AnnieNorCal
@AnnieNorCal, hello AnnieNorCal, what is troubling me you ask? My list is long but it relates to my sons illness. For starters most of his family no longer bothers with my son, including his father. I worry about his extreme isolation, him being self sufficient should something happen to me, I worry about him going into another psychosis, I worry about him stopping his meds without telling anyone, I worry about his health (mental & physical), I worry when he doesn’t sleep all night, I worry when he doesn’t answer his phone ( a huge red flag), I worry when he does answer his phone only to tell me to leave him alone. So many worries and concerns to think about. There’s only 1 of me, and I’m outnumbered. I’m trying to stay as healthy as I can, have my mind as clear as I can, should he need me or should something terrible happen to him. I’m always waiting for something bad to happen, because it has happened so many times before.
Worry and stress are a recipie for health issues, including a heart attack. I’m not ready to leave my son all alone in this world, he still needs me for a bit.
So yes, these are some of the reasons why I cry uncontrollably. What my son could have been, would have been, all gone. As a parent it’s just too much.
@mbheart this is me for over two years now I myself am having less and less friends, two best friends remaining, I had such huge group of friends but I cannot do groups anymore because of this specific reason, the uncontrollable crying… any trigger that reminds me of my afflicted sister, or if anyone mentions her or many other things … I’m crying now… i try my best but I sometimes wonder if this crying would cause me more issues … I’m hoping when I go home to go to a psychiatrist to help me with this issue, I feel crying is just a surface, a symptom of obviously deeper issues of unresolved grief, and I wish to deal with that and hope to seek cure for that…
Hello mbheart,
Not having any family support has to be the worst. Sounds like you are feeling very alone right now. That’s why we are all here together. To offer emotional support. I’ve been through some pretty dark times and thankful that you and everyone else have been there for support.
I can only imagine what you are going through, because even though we are all suffering over our loved ones, only you know what you are going through. Please know that we all care about you and your son. Maybe you can talk to a social worker or a crisis center about getting a well check for your son. It is a terrible feeling to be helpless. It is the one thing I know all too well.
Try and get some rest, may tomorrow give you more clarity. Peace to you and prayers
AnnieNorCal
@Love_Hope, yes I agree wholeheartedly. I feel I need to deal with some unresolved issues as well, most likely from my childhood. My childhood was not great and our family was dysfunctional. And then in the midst of this, my son has sz. He often says, “mom, don’t just blame me for your depression. I think you have other things going on too”. He is such a smart intuitive kid! He is right.
Just a mixture of everything, grieving the loss of my mom 3 years ago, then my son, then my ex husband refusing to have anything to do with our son, then the loss of desire to socialize with anyone.
I can’t do large groups anymore either. For me, one on one is best. And I honestly don’t remember what socializing is anymore. Like my son, I’ve also isolated myself as well. My thinking is if he doesn’t have any friends, and is always alone, same goes for me. It’s just a vicious cycle.
Thank you always for your kind words. I understand your deep grief regarding your sister and your family dynamic as well. I would love to be able to say it was the illness that destroyed our family, but truth be told, our whole family was ALWAYS dysfunctional way before my son developed sz. The illness just brought out everyone’s true colors and the sickening dysfunction.
My only goal now is to salvage and help my son As much as I can while I’m still alive. I focus very little on things that does not concern my son. He truly is my life…
It sounds like we both need to take better care of ourselves… sending you a warm hug
@mbheart
yes, my son does not want to continue the meds. he has been calling me daily at least 3 times a day to get him out of the facility. He is having delusions that the medical staff will do an operation on his liver. this is the time for him to get the monthly shot.
he probably needs mood stabilizer with the shot but he would not take Oral medicine. I know it will be worse for him and for me if I get him out.
Actually he does not want to come to my home because he knows I will forcing him on meds.
he wants to go to Virginia to live with my brother but My brother’s wife does not want him around.
it is a just a difficult situation especially for me. Sometimes, I do not pick up his calls and as you indicated this is heart wrenching!!
I just need to be stronger and keeps telling him unless he stays on his medicine, I will not help him to get out.
I did that 2 days ago and actually reached out to a friend who is a psychologist. I was having suicidal thoughts after an overwhelming two days with my unmedicated girlfriend. After speaking with my friend…I prayed. I asked God to touch her heart and calm her head. The next morning, she had a total mental breakdown, and I got her to take her meds. She has taken them like clockwork ever since. She is fully aware of how hard this is on me and sometimes, honestly, I don’t think she cares. But then she does that one thing…however small, that makes me believe she’s still in there somewhere. My heart hurts for her. Just can’t fathom the storm in her head. I cried myself to sleep that night. So yes. I do understand sudden tears. I live for the times when she’s alright, and pray my way through the bad times. I’ll add you and your son to my prayers. Seek peace my friend. hugs
Angel
@Angelstahr, what an amazing friend and person you are to your girlfriend. Yes, it often does hit me out of nowhere, at the most unexpected places and times. Luckily, no suicidal thoughts, but just a feeling of overwhelming sadness and hopelessness.
My son does come back to me occasionally, and we “connect”. He sometimes even smiles, or laughs which brings so much happiness and peace to my heart. But it’s so very random and fleeting and short-lived, and he goes back to his quiet non-talkative self. I do live for these brief moments, and I sometimes wonder if it might not be better if I don’t see the quick bursts of him being somewhat content and somewhat happy. It feels like a cruel joke, I get to see my son for how he was and how he should be, and then he’s taken away from me again. I constantly think about when he was a toddler and in grade school. Yes, I do wish I could go back. That he and I could go back.
I think about parents who get to laugh and joke around with their kids on a daily basis, and wonder if they know how lucky they are. Probably not. Because they’ve never seen the other side. It’s just part of their normal life. I was at one time one of those moms.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, same for you and your girlfriend. All we really have is prayer, right?
sending you big hugs too