I had a meltdown today because we got unexpected news. I’m still very anxious and on edge as I type this. All I want to do is run away.
The hospital called earlier today and dropped a bomb on us, saying they are releasing E TODAY. Two days early. I wasn’t ready for this. Emotionally or logistically. I thought we had until Sunday.
We asked about E’s condition. The good news is they got E to agree to an injection yesterday on the basis that E would be released sooner if E cooperated. (We just didn’t know how soon it would be!) Apparently the disorganized thought is better and E is more coherent and able to stay on topic. But the paranoia is still present, though according to the nurse it might not be as severe.
My sister picked E up because I couldn’t cope. I wanted to be there for them both but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. My anxiety is through the roof again.
She tells me the ride home was quiet, except that E asked to look at a local construction site to see if they were working on the gas lines. That tells me E’s paranoid delusions about the gas is still present, which makes me think probably a lot of E’s other paranoid delusions are also still there, which ramps up my anxiety even further and makes me feel extremely unsafe because of the ways E tends to behave when paranoid/delusional.
Every little sound I hear in the house now makes me anxious. Adrenaline spikes are back.
I don’t feel safe here. I don’t. And I feel like a bad person for not wanting to deal with this. I wasn’t ready. I’m not ready. I was having a hard enough time before all this hit the fan, with my own struggles with life and everything. I am overwhelmed and I just want to flee. I can’t live like this.