This is my first time on here. I have finally realized that I cannot deal with this on my own. I have a 35 year old brother who was diagnosed schizophrenic about 5-6 years ago. Growing up my brother showed no signs of any mental illness. He dabbled with drugs, some more then others, but it never seemed like it was much of an issue. He went away for college and when he came back he started hanging out with a local bartender. Four years later, she ended up pregnant and that was when my brother broke. It was something I had never seen before. He was living in an apartment at the time and was convinced that all his neighbors were out to get him. Those were the voices starting with him. He then moved in with my mom for a few months & then began thinking one of her neighbors porch light being on was a negative thing towards him. Once again the voices. It wasn’t clear as to how serious it was until the day he called the police on his neighbors. But little did he know, he was calling the police about what was going on inside his own head. Shortly after that, he began to believe he was Jesus and his mission in life was to find the devil. He started saying scary, violent things. That’s when we court ordered him into a mental hospital. He did two weeks and left and went back right to his life. He then started talking about committing suicide because he just couldn’t deal with it anymore. But since he knew the one safe place, the mental hospital, anytime he felt truly suicidal he admitted himself to the hospital. Within that first year, he had been to the hospital 8 times, each 2 week stints. Then the drugs became an issue and he turned to any pill that made him feel better. His daughters mom had been granted full custody, but then they both started to use together. It got to the point where my niece was taken from CPS and moved in with my dad and his wife for a little over a year. My brother did all he had to do, or so we thought, to get his daughter back. And he got her. And all the time he fooled us. Made us think the voices & drug use were done. Until last September. Then heroin showed up in his life because it was the one thing he found that finally just silenced the voices. And now, July 13, I think this is the worst he has ever been.
I come from a family of 6 and my parents are divorced. My dad is in denial and my mom choses to not deal with it. It has broken one of my relationships with my sister for probably the rest of our lives. I could call my brother a drug addict or a crazy person, but he’s not. He’s my brother and he is in more pain then I could ever understand. And I know that it would probably be better for myself to completely disconnect myself from the situation, but I don’t know how to.
I have had thoughts before that I’ve wanted him dead. I don’t think he will ever be able to be happy in this life. He doesn’t see himself as mentally ill, he sees himself as someone special and that no one in this life has ever experienced what he has. And it kills me almost everyday that I have wished him dead. But he will never be my brother again. He seems so far gone that he is just a floating body in this world. He hasn’t had a real moment of pleasure in his life in almost 6 years.
Am I a horrible human being for wishing such a negative thing on him? Should I keep holding onto him or should I disconnect altogether? When will I know it is time to let it go and understand that this is his life to live, not mine.
I feel like I’ve let so much out by my mind is just all over the place. I’ve never expressed to anyone before how I have felt and how all of this has effected me. I just need to not feel so alone anymore.