We are finally moved. It is a much smaller and a remote place than what we had still at the same costly rent though. I wanted to share that my son weathered the move so much better than I ever thought he would.
Several positive changes occurred during the move that I am very pleased with. For a time we had no TV because we were waiting for our internet to be installed and we don’t use cable we just stream with our Roku. My son is a TV addict even more so than I am and every evening he likes watching his favorite shows.
However there were a few nights where we literally found ourselves sitting quietly almost stunned at the silence of the evening with no TV. We talked and discussed where things were going to go in the apartment -it was pretty simple really since it is so small and we had to donate much of our furniture because there was just no room. I am warming to the simplicity.
Anyway, moving in 90-100 temps and driving a black car with no a/c and 75% + humidity daily left us utterly exhausted each night as we did all this by ourselves as usual and loners that we are. So after a lifetime of my son going to bed at 3 am and getting up at 2- or 3 pm every day, he suddenly started going to bed at about 11:30 pm or midnight and surprisingly getting up at about 11:30 am or noon the next day.
Ever since birth he has been a long sleeper even as an infant he slept an inordinate amount of time each night. I tried for years to get him to get up before noon or even close to noon and I never had any luck no matter what tactic I used. Now he just gets up no alarm or help from me at all and I am so happy and ecstatic about it. It means there are so many more things we can do now that occur earlier in the day and when winter comes and the sun sets around 5 pm at least he will have some daylight to enjoy where before he often went to bed in the dark and got up just before dark.
He also, as I may have mentioned before has monitored his smoking more carefully probably because he doesn’t know the neighbors and is extremely conscious about not wanting to offend them with his smoke. He has a small portable ashtray he carries with him and he waits in the morning until he is awake and had some coffee and puts his shoes on and then gets his ashtray and walks outside and has a smoke. The process alone has decreased the number of times he goes out. Our apartment is non smoking inside only. It worried him but I tried to reassure him that so long as he just stepped outside he would be fine. He will still insist on walking down to the curb in front of our apartment. I love that he so conscientious and cautious but part of me would just like him to relax.
He decorated his room true to his unique and quirky style and it looks like a cozy eclectic nest. He helped me so much throughout the move and never complained or slacked off until we were all done. I followed his lead because I was miserable with the heat. I said to myself if he can do it, I certainly can too.
All in all it went well and the positive changes are welcomed. I was scared in the beginning and now I am happily relieved. We have an appointment to go to our first homeowner education seminar for Habitat for Humanity on August 1st. It should be the beginning of a new adventure for us and I am excited as is my son. Thanks everyone for your helpful insights and support all along the way up to this point. Gratitude abounds.
My son is the same way. When he sets his mind to something, he will do it relentlessly without ever complaining. Before sz, he used to whine about a lot of things. Very strange how this has changed, for the better, since sz. He has been helping me empty out my garage (full of so much junk, because like you, I downsized quite a bit from a huge house), and he does it without a single complaint. I have to say, “ok, that’s enough for today” several times. It just makes me love him so much more. He’s very diligent, when he wants to be.
I’m happy for your new small cozy place, and I’m happy for you & your son. What an amazing son he has become.
Hopefully, you will only have to move just one more time into your new home that you will own.
That was a good story. I am a person with schizophrenia and when I try to get close with my parents by being more involved, they push me away. They want me to be more independent and have my own life. I wish I could sit down and watch a movie with them or have them be proud of me. The thing is, they were expecting me to make a doctor’s salary and now that I’m just doing some easy part time work, they sort of just treat me like a looser. It’s like my life dream to be accepted by my Chinese family again. The only way to do that now is by marrying into a “normal” household. I just stay out of the house as much as I can and go to support groups where other people share my problems.
I am very sorry @Tukey that you don’t have the support you want and need from your parents. I have that same issue with my mother, my stepfather and biological father have passed but you always miss what you don’t have. Like myself you are making a “family” with others that can understand you. Never feel “less than” based on the work you do. You are not your work. I have a daughter in law who is from China, and through her I understand how the cultures are very different. My oldest son is on the autism spectrum and even though she is married to him and I believe they love each other, I have overheard her say that his behaviors are only due to my bad upbringing of him and not due to the way his brain is wired. I don’t think we can change a whole culture but we can live our own lives in a way that shows inclusivity and acceptance of others. You do you. Be proud of yourself. Don’t let how others even how your family treats you dictate what you believe about yourself. It is easier said than done but so well worth the effort. Thank you for writing back. I hope at some point you can find a common ground with your family again and still be proud of yourself for who you are.
How great of you to share your story with us! I am proud of you! I am so sorry your family cannot currently see the reality of what you are having to live with through no fault of your own. It is true that many people, and especially in Asian and South Asian cultures, do not acknowledge that mental illnesses even exist and there is so much pressure for “success”. This is wrong, of course, but it just means that there is a lot of education that needs to be done. NAMI and other mental health organizations are working toward that. I attended a wonderfully presented session on this subject at the recent NAMI National Convention by a young lady who herself was living with SMI. I took a lot of notes if anyone is interested (but suggest a new thread)! You might consider the possibility of going to the NAMI National Convention next summer to be held in Atlanta, GA.
Sounds like your daughter in law needs time to accept the illness. I don’t know if that’s specific to Chinese people as I find most people blame my illness and not my upbringing… it’s true I’m not my job but I spent a lot of my life working hard so it feels weird having no responsibilities now. I feel like I had to develop a new sense of identity around my new friends and support group, work and other activities, and sort of any life I have away from family. Not sure if it’s the right attitude but I still feel partly like I am what I accomplish (which isn’t a lot compared to normal people). My job (when there’s a period of stability) is special ed tutoring. It’s hard forming a good relationship with someone with Autism sometimes.
Sometimes I feel myself, and even my parents, are influenced by both cultures. It’s not like I feel great talking to my old friends that I made before this illness. People tend to flock away or flock back sometimes depending on how I’m functioning. Yes, my mom sometimes goes to NAMI. I’ve gone to their groups a few times and one facilitator said she had a lot of faith in my future, so I found some support there. You can try asking them what kind of services they might be able to find for you. They referred me to a consumer run mi organization that really helped me.
My daughter in law does not believe that my son has any condition at all she calls it simply bad behavior. My son knows that it is a form of autism (Asperger’s) but has never been formally diagnosed and he always believes he has it under control. He will be 38 on his next birthday and he and his wife have been married for 6 years, I think they have a way of interacting that seems to work for them as a couple. I would be extremely worried if she ever decided to leave my son. My son would be 1000% ill prepared to cope with such a thing. You sound like you have a very good solid attitude and I think you will do well in whatever you do. Try to remember that normal is very subjective. I don’t believe there is a real “normal” standard. We can make a new normal whenever we want to.
