Yesterday I posted in my deep heartache and I was received with such kind replies and support that it feels like I don’t even deserve it.
I feel selfish posting about the man I’ve loved and saying I’m walking away. Some people who post here have been supporting family members for all of their lives - some people have husbands and children and they cannot walk away - sons, daughters, wives. Some people have been on this battlefield much much longer than I have. Some people have been battling this for as long as I have been alive.
I just wanted to say I am so sorry and I didnt want to come off as entitled or like I’m the only one in the world experiencing this. I know deep down that I am not the only one experiencing this. We are all in pain - both our loved ones and us.
There are so many of you that are so much stronger than I am.
I wanted to say I didn’t want to walk away, I would have never walked away but he forced me to and I cannot beg to come back in our home and wait on the streets for who knows how long. We live far from everyone we know - I lost work because of COVID and everything I had was tied with him - so when he leaves me, which is almost every week - I am left in a crisis. It has brought severe depression and anxiety for me.
So I just want to say that I am so sorry if I came off in my last post as “ Oh I walked away”. Like as if I’m ungrateful and it’s some luxury. It was not and is not easy and if I could go be with him today I would. I had to stop myself from texting him when I woke up.
I know it’s the illness I know he doesn’t mean the things he says. I know he doesn’t mean it. I was just trying to be strong and take care of myself that’s all. I am just trying to be strong. Right now I’m in a women’s shelter and the women here are so nice. It’s not my first time here because of my situation and you know, today I woke up and my first thought isn’t - I want to die. And I feel guilty but it felt good. I know my loved one is okay - he is safe and has food and has money.
There are so many people who don’t even know how their loved one is doing - some peoples loved one are in deep psychosis right now - some people are experiencing violence - some people are mourning death.
I just want to apologize for coming off as selfish. I was just in so much pain and I literally have no one to let this all out to - but I know I am not the only one going through this and we are all hurting. I was just so overwhelmed and everything is built up inside - I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.
Our loved ones deserve better than this illness - better than medication, better than delusions, better than CTOs and hospitals and police - we all deserve better.
All my love goes out to every single person and stay strong.
Whether you believe in Christ or not it’s okay but I just want to say there is hope in Jesus Christ. When he comes back, we will be okay and this will all be but a far away dream -
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.“