Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

We are all in pain - I apologize for my last post

Yesterday I posted in my deep heartache and I was received with such kind replies and support that it feels like I don’t even deserve it.

I feel selfish posting about the man I’ve loved and saying I’m walking away. Some people who post here have been supporting family members for all of their lives - some people have husbands and children and they cannot walk away - sons, daughters, wives. Some people have been on this battlefield much much longer than I have. Some people have been battling this for as long as I have been alive.

I just wanted to say I am so sorry and I didnt want to come off as entitled or like I’m the only one in the world experiencing this. I know deep down that I am not the only one experiencing this. We are all in pain - both our loved ones and us.

There are so many of you that are so much stronger than I am.

I wanted to say I didn’t want to walk away, I would have never walked away but he forced me to :frowning: and I cannot beg to come back in our home and wait on the streets for who knows how long. We live far from everyone we know - I lost work because of COVID and everything I had was tied with him - so when he leaves me, which is almost every week - I am left in a crisis. It has brought severe depression and anxiety for me.

So I just want to say that I am so sorry if I came off in my last post as “ Oh I walked away”. Like as if I’m ungrateful and it’s some luxury. It was not and is not easy and if I could go be with him today I would. I had to stop myself from texting him when I woke up.

I know it’s the illness :frowning: I know he doesn’t mean the things he says. I know he doesn’t mean it. I was just trying to be strong and take care of myself that’s all. I am just trying to be strong. Right now I’m in a women’s shelter and the women here are so nice. It’s not my first time here because of my situation and you know, today I woke up and my first thought isn’t - I want to die. And I feel guilty but it felt good. I know my loved one is okay - he is safe and has food and has money.

There are so many people who don’t even know how their loved one is doing - some peoples loved one are in deep psychosis right now - some people are experiencing violence - some people are mourning death.

I just want to apologize for coming off as selfish. I was just in so much pain and I literally have no one to let this all out to - but I know I am not the only one going through this and we are all hurting. I was just so overwhelmed and everything is built up inside - I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.

Our loved ones deserve better than this illness - better than medication, better than delusions, better than CTOs and hospitals and police - we all deserve better.

All my love goes out to every single person and stay strong.

Whether you believe in Christ or not it’s okay but I just want to say there is hope in Jesus Christ. When he comes back, we will be okay and this will all be but a far away dream -

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.“

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We understand. It is OK that you posted how you feel. Everyone on this site has felt deep despair and anger and grief.

I am glad you are safe in the shelter and have live support from other women who understand why you had to leave. I am glad that your loved one is safe too.

No one will judge you for walking away, this disease is like a bomb going off repeatedly, there is danger, real danger, that has to be navigated. Some on this site have walked away from their loved ones, or forced them to leave; some have hung in there; some had their loved ones torn from them and put in jail or prison; some loved ones are gone to the next world; some (like me) are lucky their loved ones have responded well to medication; some have not found any relief at all. No one will judge you for doing what you think is right.

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@anotherbeliever I didn’t see your first post. I’m glad you come here for support. No one else understands the sadness, helplessness, and heartbreak we feel for our love ones that are suffering from this illness. Walking away from this illness is just as painful as staying if not worse. Your feelings matter. I’m glad you have a safe place to be. One thing I had a hard time with was all the chaotic behavior of my love one that wasn’t medicated. You have to do what is right for you. Sadly, everyone has a choice and our love ones have to choose to take medication or somehow be on court ordered medication. Though in the end they still have to choose to take meds. In the NAMI group they always say to never give up hope. They also stress taking care of yourself. I’m glad that you are taking care of yourself.

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This is the hardest illness ever to deal with. For the diagnosed one and the loved ones. I have been a RN for 40 years, and to me MI is the worst. I do feel like walking away many times. My husband and I “joke” about it. But he is our only son. And we are all he has. But still, some days… are just intolerable. So don’t feel guilty. This site is for us to vent, tell our real feelings, with no judgement.

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Sometimes it comes down to the least harm done overall. He is on his journey, and it seems that his future will be difficult, and certainly he has no choice but to live it. You can choose to stay with him, and have your own life also be overwhelmed by this disease—or not. We made some hard choices with our DD, and prioritized our own well being when we refused to have her live with us. It would very likely have destroyed our marriage, and our relationship with other family and friends, and ultimately she would still be sick, so what purpose would be served? It’s a hard thing to do, but being supportive is a useless strategy if it destroys you. I wish you peace with whatever choice you ultimately make.

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