Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

I left him today and I cannot go back

I just wanted to tell someone that I left the man k was suppose to marry today. This is not the first time ( at all) but it has to be the last time. I cannot make excuses anymore. I cannot just take everything anymore and say “oh it’s the illness.” I cannot take the back and forth anymore. I cannot be kicked out of our home every few weeks for the rest of my life. I cannot pretend that I think he is right and that people want to kill us or hurt us or poison us everywhere we go for the rest of my life. I cannot take the name calling. He threw out almost all my belongings. He messages other girls when we fight. I cannot take it anymore. I have been depressed for so long.

Love cannot heal this disease. I’ve tried and I’ve tried and I’ve done everything I can. I NEVER wanted to leave. I would’ve stayed and taken care of him forever. I didn’t want to give up on him. I didn’t want the illness to win. I was praying and hoping for a miracle.

But I have to leave. Yes he broke up with me, again, even though a few days earlier he told me how he loves me and is committed. But I have to leave this city and leave it behind. I wake up not knowing if today he loves me or not. If today he feels it or not. I am a shell of a person. These two years- the hospitalizations, the delusions, the fights, the crying, the screaming, the paranoia. We went on a trip to the Carribean and we had to leave early because he was paranoid that we were going to get killed. I thought the trip would be good for us but all it did was stress him out and bring out the worst.

My eyes have lost life and this is no way to live. I need to let go and cut off contact - if I hear his voice and hear him plea I’ll fall right back into the mess. These last days when I wake up I cry - I’m happier being asleep. And even in my dreams we argue. It feels bad to say but i kept saying to myself it feels like my own private hell. No one understands. The love isn’t enough. How can I expect him to love me? He doesn’t even believe his own family loves him - they have been struggling with this for almost ten years. And for over a year they have been the main target of his delusion - he cut them all off. He says they are evil and mistreat him and don’t love him. And I know they do love him. So how can I expect him to think I love him when he doesn’t believe the people he has spent over 30 years knowing love him.

I just want to say keep strong everyone. Your stories are heard and you are not alone. Please keep sharing and I hope we can all continue to find comfort and hope.

I still wish we could be together but there is no way at this time. There is just no way. I saw another poster say “ They need to be medicated to understand that they need to be medicated.” Agonosia is the worst thing I have ever seen. My heart aches. Pray for me and pray for the love of my life that he finds peace and understanding.

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My heart goes out to you so much. It’s the hardest thing in the world, to realize love isn’t enough and we can’t save someone, and can’t save the relationship we so desperately want to save.

I don’t know if it’s any comfort but the step you are taking right now is to love yourself first, and that’s always a good thing to do, single or not.

Sending you care and support.

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So sorry to hear your pain , I so understand what you are going through , I will pray for you both :pray:it sounds like you need a long break from him and start looking after yourself .

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No, if love could heal this disease most or all of us on this site would have loved ones that are healed. The sad thing is that nothing at all really heals this disease. Some things make it better. I do hope you keep yourself safe, and that your love finds some peace and understanding.

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sometimes through all the heartache that you have and you love him but cant be with him… its best to leave and not look back, my prayers and hugs go with you as you make a new life , and you will become les and less miserable and more happier… make god give you a peace of heart and with him also…

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My heart aches and my stomach has a hollow spot reading your post. It’s just way, way too familiar for me… I’m so sick and so sad and it pains me to know you are going through the exact same thing. “I’m happier being asleep… even in my dreams we argue…”…
I’m so sorry. So, so sorry. I understand…
Having the strength to take care of yourself first is inspiring for me. It’s awful that it has to be in such a painful and sad way and I’m sorry. But stay strong, be good to yourself, get clear in mind and spirit and hopefully the light comes back to you soon brighter than ever before. Huge hugs.

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Thank you very much for replying. I appreciate it. You’re right I’m trying to save him. And now I can’t save us both because we’re both drowning. You’re right I need to love myself again - all the rejection and coldness and name calling bad taken a toll on my own self love and worth. One day at a time. I appreciate you.

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Thank you for replying Linda and I’m sorry to hear that you understand because no one should feel this way but I thank you for letting me know you do understand. I’ve felt so so alone and just hearing from one person they understand brings comfort. I’ll keep you in my prayers and you’re right I’ll do my best to take care of myself right now. Take care as well.

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Hi old lady blue. I always read your response on all the posts of this forum and your constant input and support does not go unnoticed. You are a grace to this forum.

You are absolutely right - we would all be doing better if loved healed it. You’re so right. There is so much love on this forum and if it could it would heal things in an instant.

You’re right - I guess I still don’t Completely grasp that medication doesn’t even guarantee to make anything better.

I’ll keep you in my thoughts and pray for peace your way.

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Hi Pauline. Hugs to you and thank you for the words I can’t seem to accept. I just can’t be with him, not now. I know things will get better. Not always how we want or imagine but God still provides peace in the midst of the storm. There is still love and joy in the small things and I know this will pass. My thoughts are with you and I am so thankful for your reply, I appreciate it.

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Hi Wisdom. Your username suits you :slight_smile: thank you for always making time to reply to my post. I’m honestly sorry you are going through a similar situation. I feel awful when I think I’m complaining because it is selfish - I’m not alone in this I’m not the only one in pain. It gives me strength and encouragement that there is someone out there going through the exact same thing and is remaining strong. You sound strong from the replies I’ve read on other posts. It gives me strength. May your days be a bit brighter and I hope small things make you smile. There is hope- where it leads and when I don’t know but I know there is. God bless you and big hugs.

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I hear the hurt and pain in your voice. I am proud of you for taking care of yourself. Forgive yourself and enjoy your life.

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“I still wish we could be together but there is no way at this time.”
is the only thing you have written that is concerning. Anyone with someone in
their lives like your ex fully understands what you have so bravely dealt with and justifications are not necessary.
I pray that you can somehow move on and never again look back.

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Sometimes leaving is an act of love. I hope this is the beginning of healing for your heart.

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I think I will have to do the same thing. Seems the more I try to help him the more it is hurting me. I hate this Illness.

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@anotherbeliever I felt this in my soul. I won’t make this about me, I just wanted you to know that I can relate, and wish you nothing but the best, whatever you decide. Praying for your sanity and peace. :hugs:

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What you did is an act of courage. I am sure it was not easy. Hope your husband can discern this and take charge of his illness.

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smart move, not many here state their age, if your young its crazy to live your entire life in this shit…

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Please email me at sm313223@gmail.com we have alot in common

@anotherbeliever. This is a terrible illness. We didn’t cause it, it’s not our fault, and we cannot fix it. Medication certainly does not always work, and anasognosia is the big predictor of whether a positive outcome will or will not happen. My son’s experience with this illness is a clear example of the poorest type of outcome. Peace to you.