I just wanted to tell someone that I left the man k was suppose to marry today. This is not the first time ( at all) but it has to be the last time. I cannot make excuses anymore. I cannot just take everything anymore and say “oh it’s the illness.” I cannot take the back and forth anymore. I cannot be kicked out of our home every few weeks for the rest of my life. I cannot pretend that I think he is right and that people want to kill us or hurt us or poison us everywhere we go for the rest of my life. I cannot take the name calling. He threw out almost all my belongings. He messages other girls when we fight. I cannot take it anymore. I have been depressed for so long.
Love cannot heal this disease. I’ve tried and I’ve tried and I’ve done everything I can. I NEVER wanted to leave. I would’ve stayed and taken care of him forever. I didn’t want to give up on him. I didn’t want the illness to win. I was praying and hoping for a miracle.
But I have to leave. Yes he broke up with me, again, even though a few days earlier he told me how he loves me and is committed. But I have to leave this city and leave it behind. I wake up not knowing if today he loves me or not. If today he feels it or not. I am a shell of a person. These two years- the hospitalizations, the delusions, the fights, the crying, the screaming, the paranoia. We went on a trip to the Carribean and we had to leave early because he was paranoid that we were going to get killed. I thought the trip would be good for us but all it did was stress him out and bring out the worst.
My eyes have lost life and this is no way to live. I need to let go and cut off contact - if I hear his voice and hear him plea I’ll fall right back into the mess. These last days when I wake up I cry - I’m happier being asleep. And even in my dreams we argue. It feels bad to say but i kept saying to myself it feels like my own private hell. No one understands. The love isn’t enough. How can I expect him to love me? He doesn’t even believe his own family loves him - they have been struggling with this for almost ten years. And for over a year they have been the main target of his delusion - he cut them all off. He says they are evil and mistreat him and don’t love him. And I know they do love him. So how can I expect him to think I love him when he doesn’t believe the people he has spent over 30 years knowing love him.
I just want to say keep strong everyone. Your stories are heard and you are not alone. Please keep sharing and I hope we can all continue to find comfort and hope.
I still wish we could be together but there is no way at this time. There is just no way. I saw another poster say “ They need to be medicated to understand that they need to be medicated.” Agonosia is the worst thing I have ever seen. My heart aches. Pray for me and pray for the love of my life that he finds peace and understanding.