Why do we suffer for them?


#1

I am writing because I finally, after 4 years am no longer going to suffer, physically and emotionally, because my 27, so to be 28 year old daughter does not want to commit to taking meds. I want to know WHY we as parents live the way we do with adult children who get well then after being well decide to stop their meds, turn to drugs, or just stop their meds for only reasons they know? Friends and family have given up or they have given up on me (because of my daughter). I live in isolation at the hand of my daughters mental illness. Why? I want to know is it guilt? Is it because our child did not choose this, so we in turn have to suffer? Personally it is down to her or me living. I decided I am worth living and she has had opportunity to be successful and she has while doing well decided to stop her meds and do otherwise. I am wondering how many parents out there feel the same or can justify dying a slow death with their ADULT child?


#2

I think perhaps we sort of get tricked into it and wake up one day and the crazy is running the house. We were warned by this early on from a counselor and several times have found ourselves turning ourselves upside down for our son in the name of love. That doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. Decide what is important to you and set some boundaries and yes love yourself enough to say No, I won’t enable you any longer. I know better so I am going to do better. We can only change ourselves. I love the Serenity prayer.

You go Mom. Let us know how you are doing, would you?


#3

During the first episode of psychosis five years ago, I felt so helpless and frightened. It was then, when everything was out of control, I made the decision to try to help my family member (son). And I gave myself permission to change my mind at any time. My current and most frequent choice is to try to be supportive; I think it is because whatever we are going through, they are going through worse.

I don’t think I would stop suffering if I stopped trying to help, but if the illness becomes overwhelming, I might create further boundaries for my own health and just to get through daily life.

I wouldn’t be able to justify or not justify my decisions; for some reason I feel better knowing that each day I am making a choice.

If your daughter refuses to be consistent with meds that help her, I agree that there are limits to what parents can do and only we know what is right for us, not for our children, for ourselves.


#4

Mom’s, it’s in your nature to try so hard for your children to be happy. Let go of your worries some time. Share the work load instead of doing it yourself. For example, instead of cleaning up for my daughter, I get her to do it with me. We just folded 2 big piles of my daughter’s clothings yesterday that she refused to do for weeks. Sometimes, my daughter blame the meds for eye twitching. It helps to point out that the twitching surface whenever she missed meds intermittently over the period. Then there’s acne which is exacerbated by the meds. Guess I will have to wait this one out.

Just an observation for the mom’s out there. You try very hard and get burned out. Let it go a bit and have a break.

Mom’s the best :slight_smile:


#5

I am so sorry that you are going through such a roller coaster of frustration right now. I can only imagine what you are going through as a mom. You must love your daughter immensely and find it incredibly heart wrenching to be torn away from your family while you are doing your best to support your daughter’s needs. As the daughter of a paranoid schizophrenic, I know that my grandmother played the role of supermom for both my dad and I. I saw her struggle so much when he had periods of psychosis. Unconditional love was the glue that kept her and our little family together (we were ostracized too). It definitly hurts knowing that people with the same last name as you, who you’ve known you’re whole life, now don’t want anything to do with you. Somtimes family members and friends just can’t grasp how hard living with schizophrenia is. Thank you for sharing your frustrations on this forum.

When my grandmother passed, my dad completely de-regulated and was never the same again. I encourage you to have concrete plans in place for if something were to happen to you. So your daughter can conitunue to receive the quality of care she needs.

Although I am not a parent, I am certainly feeling the urge to become the caregiver of my father. He is 65 yrs now and I am 21. He recently had a stroke and is now bieng fed through a tube, inncontinent, and can only speak a handful of words. Adverse events like these help me to realize how fleeting life can be. Every day is a new day with individual’s who have schizophrenia. Many people who have SZ, have so little control over their lives and minds, that med noncompliance may seem like a good option to them. It may seem like a way for her to feel like she’s in control over her situation. Offering/brainstorming other ways to feel like she’s in control may help. You’re right, medication noncompliance is extremely difficult to navigate. Listen to her, and explore why she’s feeling this way. What’s her cascade of reasoning behind her choice? Maybe she’s reasoning too abstractly and needs to reel her ideas regarding her own plan of care back in a bit. Yet, through it all, consistent, unconditional love can be the best medicine. -and i’m not just talking about love for your daughter, but love for yourself too.


#6

You are so right. Thanks for reminding moms and dads that the more we can pull them into the daily routines of life the better the outcomes. This helps both of us really but I am as guilty of just doing it myself as the next person. I’m going to try to change. Thanks again.


#7

I think our love for our children inadvertently causes us to enable them. They know our weaknesses so they manipulate us. My 26 year year old son was diagnosed almost five years ago and it has been one heck of a roller coaster ride. He does fine when he’s taking meds then he would quit and deliberately tell me he’s not taking any meds. He smokes weed everyday (I guess to cope). We argued, fussed about it to the point where all the stress is starting to affect my health. Sometimes I think he does not care. When he has his outburst he blames me for his illness…its really sad. I’m totally at a loss on how to cope with his behaviour because he’s now back living with me three months now. I feel like I’m going backwards. I’m tired and stressed but concerned about him being on his own again and running into problems with the law due to lack of medication which would lead to irrational decisions. HELP!


#8

You are doing so much for your son, everyday. He knows that “mom will be there for him”. But isn’t that exacltly what we want for our children anyway?- for them to feel our love and trust we will be there for them. It’s a tough road and a fine line. SZ can debilitating. Remember: motivation comes from the balance of dopamine. The negative symptoms of SZ can rob someone completely of motivation and joy in the things they usually like. His SZ is no one’s fault. Be the mom you want to be. -because you know your son and you know yourself. SZ is the alien. But it is apart of him, but not him.