She has cut off all lines of communication now. I have given up. I saw what I thought was a friend and she looked at me like I was an abuser, so I am pretty sure my wife is telling a lot of tall tales. This is a cruel disease and nobody is giving me any help, and she is about to make very bad decisions. I am beginning to think I never want to see her again.
1 Like
Iâm sorry. She seems to have a strong negative delusion concerning you. Itâs all too common with the closest loved ones. Sometimes medication stops working, or is no longer the right kind, or the dose is too low.
You are trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense. Itâs easy to become obsessive and verging on mentally ill yourself when you encounter such volatile, contradictory and abusive behavior and messages, even worse when it threatens how others view you.
Some others on this site are experiencing something similar to your situation. I urge you to focus on that which you can control, which is yourself.
3 Likes
What really gets me is that here in the UK, everybody seems to be going along with the delusion. All of the services are really hostile to me when I try to contact them to give them information. In the US they really like getting information. My wife announced out of the blue that she was leaving, disappeared for 6 hours, came back saying that she needed the crisis team and that she âjust wanted to feel normalâ and that she was âgoing to get put back in the loony binâ, and then disappeared for much of the next two days and then left our home forever, and now has blocked me from everything and I they treat me like I am a stalker. They know that people do this. It is so infuriating. She is my WIFE. My doctor just says straight away, it is obvious this is an episode. But until you see them with your own eyes, you just donât know. I canât move on, I can not do anything. Iâm just waiting to hear nothing from nobody.
1 Like
I really dislike this sort of time - when it starts to sound like we are the ones that have a problem.
I am sorry, I know my friend is feeling the same way. His wife filed for a divorce and he is just hoping the episode spins down and the divorce issue goes away - like it has before. Each time she seems to go a little further in his case.
3 Likes
I just exchanged a few messages with her cousin and he was saying he has been talking to her recently, and he thought she was fine, going to work etc. He said he did not think that I needed to speak to her, it was all in her note. I was saying that none of this is right. You canât just end a marriage with a note, be showing symptoms, and then stop talking, and then go into hiding, and cut off all contact, seem irrationally angry with the partner know that he is going to be worried sick, have been openly saying you need the crisis team and that you think you going to need to go to the mental hospital, and then just expect the husband to accept that it is nothing to do with the illness. I have only her father and my doctor who agrees with me that she is probably unwell. Nobody else seems to be thinking it is odd that she simply will not communicate with me, even though this is radical change, and we were making plans the day before. She is going to leave the country, she is never going to speak to me again, and we will have lost our marriage due to a conviction supported by people that have no idea what is going on in her head. Someone said to me that with this illness, you wake one day and you are just not capable of the feelings you need for a partner. You look at them and think âwhy are you here?â
There is just no real support or understanding of what partners go through. I am just so upset that my community turns against me on the word of my wife, and my concern gets rewritten as control. They know she has an illness. Do these people not have family of their own? Would they just accept it if it happened to them?
1 Like
So sorry that you are going through this. I can feel the pain in your words.
You have to let go , this is the only way you can move on.
If u can afford it , see a psychologist, they will help you alot
Best of luck
2 Likes
I donât think I can let go until I have actually sat down and had a proper conversation with her and been able to see for myself if she is ill. What has happened is all completely arbitrary. Her dad is convinced she is ill and is not thinking about the consequences of her actions and it struggling to feel empathy and emotion. I think he might be right. I made a vow in sickness and in health.
2 Likes
Your last sentence really moved me. Yes, we who marry and take vows seriously do indeed plan to stick it out âin sickness and in health.â Thatâs when things become unconditional, like a parentâs bond with a child.
I am living with a husband in the early stages of dementia, and am long-distance caring for a socially isolated friend who is trying to cope with the later-life health effects of untreated schizophrenia. Both are very dear to me, I made a vow to only one of them, but I intend to be there for both of them. There are many parallels in their situations, but I have to say that dementia is a lot easier to manage, at least at this stage.
My concern with you is when you write: âI donât think I can let go until I have actually sat down and had a proper conversation with her and been able to see for myself if she is ill.â
You and her father KNOW she is ill, she has demonstrated it repeatedly. I fear you may be deluding yourself that she will somehow âsnap out of itâ or âcome aroundâ and all will be well, or at least she will accept you again.
But her current very strong negative delusion seems to concern you, so confronting her is unlikely to change things. In fact, if she is convinced you are somehow harmful to her, your efforts to meet her likely will be counter-productive.
I know this is probably not what you want to hear given the (understandable!) intensity of your emotions and feelings of betrayal, but I really believe your best strategy is laying low and letting time works its magic. She may eventually get the right kind of treatment, she may not. But the chances are very good that at some point she will seek you out again. The problem for you is that it will probably be when she is good and ready, not when you are.
3 Likes
You are right, but the problem is that time is not something that we have. I have made things worse by trying to reaching out, but I mainly did it because of the time pressure of her visa expiring. If she overstays we have a major problem as she would not be able to return to the country for at least a year. If she leaves and does not renew her visa then the new visa rules apply if she were ever to want to return. I do not make enough money under the new rules for her to be able to apply. It would also mean the clock starts again for her to get the right to stay indefinitely. She is about to put a massive barrier in the way of us ever being together again. If she applies in the next two weeks, she will be able to apply for the right to remain in 2 and half years, the total cost will be about ÂŁ9000, and she will get disability benefits etc. If she doesnât, it will be at best 10 years, with another four renewals costing upwards of ÂŁ35,000 and with no right to any benefits in all of that time. She is making it close to impossible for us to be together in the long term as whatever the delusion is at present, it is not going to clear any easier when the pragmatic barriers dawn on her.
In some ways the idea of being in front of her is not about her snapping out of it, it is the possibility of her snapping in front of other people. I feel guilty that I have walked away from any situation where she might attack me as it would have meant I was taken seriously from that point. The only time it happened before was in the US, and it was ferocious and there was a hospital orderly that grabbed her immediately. If something happened in public, then suddenly anything that going under the radar is irrelevant as she has become a physical threat to someone else, and she would in theory very quickly be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.
That is a tough situation. If she is unable to grasp the importance for her of extending her visa, regardless of her delusion toward you, perhaps one of the people whom she is confiding in could get through to her?
I was willing to renew the spousal visa, and I put this to her early on, but she flat refused. I think she understands that it needs to be done or she must leave. I suspect that she might be making plans to leave, but I am not sure if she is putting off doing things. She had been talking to her cousin in idealised terms about returning to the US. I donât want to encourage her to make plans to leave. If she were to get to the last few days and she realises she needs to do something, be it leave or renew, I am wondering if that might sharpen her mind up a bit and she might approach me. If we do the renewal it takes a huge amount of pressure off, but I think it is exceptionally unlikely. I do not think anyone will be able to convince her to do the renewal though. In her present state I think she might see that as being tied to me, and she does not have enough clarity to see it as a means to an end. I think the most likely thing is that she will have already made plans, or will make plans very shortly, and carry through leaving the country. She might not have the presence of thought to avoid overstaying, which would be a problem, but I am just expecting that through some third party, I will be told sheâd already left a few days before at some point.
I hope that latter scenario doesnât happen, for both your sakes.
My boss came to visit me earlier and he said the whole thing is like something out of a film. I had been saying for a long time our relationship would make a good film. I am starting writing a book now. I think I need to get it all out. There is a lot to tell over the last few years. I do not think it will be a happy ending though. Thank you for replying. I just wish we could have advocates or someone that can go and deal with our loved ones when they do turn against us for irrational reasons.
2 Likes
So, I found a few new pieces of information over the weekend. First of all, I know why so many people will not talk to me. My wife went out early on and told as many people as possible that she has this condition, that she takes medicine for it, and that it is completely under control. She told everyone to expect me to come to them and say she was unwell, but she is fine and to not to be angry with me. She set it up to make it look like I was using the illness to hang on to her. She did not tell them she asked for the crisis team. She didnât tell them she left her job in January and was unemployed for the next 5 months because she could not control her psychotic rage she was directing toward me in our home about her colleague. She didnât tell them she was signed off for her notice period explicitly with symptoms of her illness. She didnât them she was flopping around in bed for weeks after that. None of this made the cut. Neither did she tell them that she had cut me with a note and had barely spoken to me since.
I finally checked my recordings of our arguments since she left her job. I record anything that might become and argument because, first for my sanity so I have the chance to review it if I am accused of doing or saying something I have not, and second so that if anything happens at the hands of my wife which means I am not available to explain what happen, there will be evidence that she was not in her right mind. The third reason is protect myself from false allegations.
So, in spite of my wife saying we argue all of the time, I can only find 4 arguments worth noting since January. All of them are connected to my wifeâs illness as far as I am concerned. The first one catches my wife on a down cycle, right after she left her job. She is voices doubts about our marriage and just spiral downwards until she just is basically giving it a kicking for the sake of it. None of it is rational. She starts raging at me when I make a third attempt to use the bathroom, and she continues talking to me, but louder to get me to come back, and I tell her I need to go. My main complaint in the argument is that it is past midnight and I need to sleep. At one point she is talking for about 20 minutes, and I am barely awake. She wakes me up several times to keep on telling me stuff and then getting my response. When I tell I am too tired to respond, she gets angry and I claims I am dismissing her. What is really interesting about this is, the next day, it is lunchtime and she is still in bed. I came in, and she was all friendly now, she seemed very slightly delusional and she seemed to have some remorse for what she said the night before. This is the crazy thing, I mentioned that I was waiting for her to shower as we have limited hot water, and I didnât want her to run out of hot water. She started saying that I âliked abuseâ. I made light of it, and I was saying âso you were doing me a favour when you were abusing me last night, were you?â She said she was not an abuser, but she then pointed out that one point I had laughed when she had called me âa foolâ and again she said âyou like being abusedâ. She then said that I was âshamelessâ but also âcourageousâ. I think somewhere in her brain, just for a few moments. she realised I was putting up with a lot of nonsense from her.
I had not realised it but I had captured in another recording her launching into a blind rage, clearly psychosis related where she basically screams out a blueprint for hatred of me. Which was charming, as it came in week where she had promised to do a lot of household chores, had done of them, and have left to not only cover all of them, but support her with some of her social activities. She had started the argument because she was looking very unhappy when she came of stage after a shaky live performance, and she asked me how it went, looking crestfallen, and I just said âI was fine!â rather than using one of her choice of superlatives.
This was a full tilt raging at the top of her voice out of nowhere, at the point after midnight where I was once again going to ask her to respect my rest. The level of rage was completely out of proportion to what the argument was, It was all encompasing, raging about her whole life, and in particular how much she hated me. Key to this was her talking about being âin shacklesâ and âa bird in a cageâ. She also said the only reason she was with me was because she was a âdelusional loserâ when she met me. I think this brief spell of rage induced psychosis is probably a good indicator of her current negative delusion towards me. It is probably dominating her outlook at present. It is completely unfair, because she really does love me somewhere in there and we had lots of nice times in the 3 months between that outburst and her suddenly getting sick and leaving. I am still convinced that the covid trigger the episode. And if this delusion was hovering under the surface, it might explain why she suddenly went from being all for the visa renewal, to completely abandoning it.
At the end of that argument, she says she wants me to have absolutely nothing to do with her music, she doesnât want me coming to things to watch her play, she didnât want me anywhere near it.
In the next argument 2 months later, she is demanding I do the sound for her gig that night, and for some mysterious reason I flat refuse. This argument was in front of a family member of hers. My wife claimed I was shouting at her during the argument, and the family member told her that was not the case.
I also understand that she has expressed suprised that I am struggling since she left. She also apparently clarified about the claims of me of shouting at her all of the time. She said I might not be shouting now, but I probably will be in 20 years time. Of course people around her thinks this all checks out as rational thinking. By the way I do not shout on any of the recordings.
My father in law was reaching out to her tonight to see if she wants him fly over to bring her back. I was a bit hesitant. I thought hang it out for a bit long rather than give her a way out. But I think she is going. Maybe she might at the last minute change her mind, but she seems so callous and bitter at present, and unable to appreciate what she is about to lose just in her friendship circle.
Oh, and I also nearly walked right into her. I decided not to confront her. I just made a turn, but she was walking right behind me. She probably did not even notice me, she is such a tunnel vision person. If she did, that was the chance for seeing me to jog something, but this is not going to happen.
Iâm so sorry. Psychosis and delusions are horrible. I realize you are writing this all out as much to vent as to clarify, and I hope it gives you some relief to see it all in text form. She is not well, you are the current target, and it looks like you have few options other than to let her go back to the US with her father, if she agrees. At least he understands what is happening and she doesnât seem to have negative delusions concerning him. Perhaps with his support she will finally gain enough insight to realize she needs to tweak medication or start a new regimen of therapy.
It is impossible to foresee where our stories with SZ loved ones end - mine went quiescent for almost four decades before resuming, albeit at a distance and platonically. I was able to build a ânormalâ life with career and family in between, and for that I am grateful. I will always love my friend, but staying together would have meant a life of misery and torment for both of us.
There are examples of success stories with SZ, here and on the web, ranging from the basic management of symptoms that some of this forumâs members describe, to something very much like a ânormalâ life (Lauren on Youtubeâs Living Well with Schizophrenia channel comes to mind, as well as the experiences of some members of the diagnosed forum.) I sincerely hope yours ends like some of those do, with a partner managing symptoms and able to function in an adult relationship. But it sounds like you have little choice beyond letting her go for now and hoping for the best down the road. Meanwhile, we are here for your updates and if you just need to talk. Sending you hugs!
3 Likes
It is just so painful. We could not be together for so long with Covid, and now we are so near to each other and she just doesnât even want to know me. It is just terrible. I keep just not being able to understand how this could happen. She went from wanting me to live forever to just being indifferent in a few days. What a terrible pain. It is just crushing. What horrible illness that robs people of this. I still can not understand how she is not missing me at all. We were in each otherâs pockets and whenever she was is good shape, she always wanted more of me. I never thought she could be this cruel. It is just âthe other personâ.
1 Like
She is not missing you coz this horrible disease took over. I am sure if she was not sick she would have lived with you forever.
Most of us are hated by our own kids.
This is sad but we have to accept it.
1 Like
We are 8 days from the visa expiry and we are now trying everything we can. Her father and I believe that she is simply putting the visa out of mind. There is some indication that she is just carrying on regardless, making no plans to leave and not even considering the visa. I have made a final written plea to her hospital and doctor on behalf of myself and her father, telling them they have a duty of care to act before she breaks the law and giving then every single piece of evidence we can, including a recording I found of her having an outburst at me in March, where it seems she vocalized a template for what her current state of mind is. I included video evidence of a much earlier episode to show the severity of her condition. I emphasized that there has been a long history of late admissions exacerbated by her being exceptionally good at masking. I met with a friend whose partner is under the same doctorâs care and she agreed with me that my wife is unwell and she said that this doctor is known for taking drastic action when necessary, so I repeatedly mentioned in the letter than now was the time for bold actions.
I am going to speak to her father later today and tell him that he needs to fly over today, because she will be at work next week, so we really only have this weekend left. He needs to go and see where my wife is and in front of the people around her he needs to tell her that she needs to renew her visa or come back to the US with him. If anyone challenges him he needs to stand firm and tell them to back off. There is a chance she will agree to renew the visa in this scenario. There is a chance she will just go back to the US with him. There is a chance that she will be extremely angry. There is a chance that she will just do nothing. There are preferred outcomes but we can potentially work with every option. The extremely angry option might open the door to get admitted to hospital. The do nothing option will give us another angle to go back to the crisis team and possibly the hospital to say she is not of sound mind and action needs to be taken immediately. The returning to the US option is not ideal for our relationship or her life in the next few months, but at least it avoids breaking the immigration law. I just think with it presented to her flat like that, the option that means she has to do the least is to agree to the visa renewal, and she might go for it. That is unless there is something else going on that we do not know about, like an alternate visa application or a plan in place to leave in the coming days.
I recently became aware that it is actually very difficult to keep your job in the UK if your visa is expiring and you a normal PAYE employee. Apparently her employerâs systems should be flagging up that she has no visa in place as they are liable to get massive fines if she is still employed by them when her visa expires. So the chances are that she is not completely ignoring the visa situation. With that in mind, I believe that they will probably be setting her a deadline of Thurdsay or Friday of this week to have a new visa in place.
I have also discovered that I can file the bulk of the visa applications myself, so I am going to actually prepare an application today, up to the point of submission, where I need to actually put the money down. A relative is going to speak to her tomorrow and remind her that I am willing to do it, and even if it is just to buy her some time, I can file the application and all she needs to do is complete the ID check on her phone and her visa will be renewed.
I do not think she is going to go for it, but I will get it ready because when crunch time comes, and it is the best option for nothing to change, there is that tiny chance she will agree.
How is it going with your wife and the whole situation?